Whatever you want to call it

"Hands on the wheel, cruisn down the interstate, gas peddle sticks, carries my car away, I was going as fast as a Rambler goes, I could feel the speed from my head to my toes, Oh Now I know how Richard Petty feels...I want to know how forever feels."---Kenny Chesney

Heard that tonight. Also heard two songs that I heard last night in different places. Last night on the way home I heard, Huey Lewis's "Feel the Power of Love," and "the River," by Garth Brooks. I love the part in "Feel the Power of Love" when it starts to speed up and he says, "Don't take money. Don't take fame. Don't need a credit card to ride this train...Can't you feel it? Feel the power of luuuv." I was jammin in my car and thought, "Wish I could jam with Huey Lewis. ( I don't play guitar, only piano with music but I could jam if I had the chance) Heard it in the mall tonight, where I hang out with the bathtub. (Bathtub remodeling company). Then, this morning I heard, "There's bound to rough waters and I know I'll take some falls but with the good Lord as my captain, I can make it through them all..." on a radio station that was overpowering my Mix 107.7.

I hope there is a power of love in my life, coming into my life, and that I am going to make it through it all ( of this ). I have a diffucult time with spirituality now because of things I can't quite understand from August of 2007 till May of this year, but I hope the good Lord will help me make it through it all. I am trying to pray.

I believe that opposites attract but for the most part, I think people attract people like themselves and I just haven't met anyone like me yet. I am unique and although I don't really feel it right now, I am special.

What I miss most about my mother is the intellectual conversation. I would encourage parents to have intellectual conversations with their kids, especially when they're in the car together. I would encourage parents to ask their children questions. I miss the "driving home" of her points. She always "drove home" her points while we were driving in the car and every other time we had intellectual conversations. No one and I have had such conversations.

It makes an impact on you when you grow up or grew up knowing your mother was terminated unjustly, injustly and knowing it should have never taken place. Eventually it gets swept under the rug though--one way or another, until maybe you become unemployed and a slew of bad things happen, then it comes back, I guess.

My mother was a Christian and I believe she taught from the textbook as written and evolution as theory but she talked about bringing in a minister who gave presentations on the other side of it. Not sure how she did that with all the Church/State issues but I know she did. I know it was handled in an intellectual sort of way. That's all I know--I know he didn't preach.

(some of this was written the other night)

I have a welt the size of Texas at the base of my middle finger from being burnt by grease at McDs today.

I'm at the mall with the bathtub.

All the pregnant women in the world.

Everything happens for a reason, I hear and am trying to believe.

I've had two women pass by me, already, who are pregnant. There are 2 managers at McDs that are pregnant. I bet 3 more women pass by me who are. Heck, there are probably women passing by right now that are but aren't looking it yet. Some women don't ever become pregnant and that is the way they want it, but for others, they don't have the chance, whether it be a physical reason or situational. I know there is adoption and someone famous did it before she found the right person to have them with biologically.

I feel so badly for women who can not physically become pregnant.

I want children and am not in the position to have them now and a personal criteria has not been met--A man, a wonderful man.

If I feel inadequate looking at pregnant women, I can't imagine what it's like for women who can not physcially have children.

A couple in their late 50s or early 60s just passed. The man took the woman's hand and then she let go. He then put his arm around her and kissed her head. Wow.

People pass by and you can clearly tell they are people with people. People who have people.

Even if I do get people sometime, I will never forget what it was like to not have them. I don't think I'll ever be able to look the way the people do who pass by me---Complete confidence and feeling of stability in their eyes. I don't think I'll ever have it. Even when / if I do get what they have, I don't know if I'll be able to look the way they do.

I have an interview at a place I had an interview at last year. It's an educational setting but it's not a school. I was supposed to have met with the director two weeks ago but he had to cancel to reschedule. I forgot about it till today when his secretary called. His secretary mentioned he had been in the hospital and was eager to meet with me. Wow--someone eager to meet with me.

I'll have to wash the skirt and top I always wear.

I know I "boo-hooed" over it appearing the doors had closed in education, but I don't know that I'd be excited if I got this job. At the moment, I'd rather take an insurance ball and run with it. I never want to be where I am, now, ever again. Never Ever want to be where I am---disallusioned and broke. Never. Depending on results of a questionaire I could be working for an insurance company and making what I did before plus extra---plus extra, with commission.

I feel my heart has been ripped out and replaced with an artificial one. I have a lack of interest to do anything with education now. I would like to know what it's like to make it without a job in Education. People do it all the time and I'd like to know how. I got too comfortable in it--guaranteed paycheck and excellent benefits and retirement system.

I also want to make more than I Ever Have Before---I want MORE $$$ The insurance thing would give me the potential for that.

Something happened to me over this past year and I'm not the same person. I am just not the same.


10 years and 40 pounds ago (1998), I was bright eyed, wide eyed and naive. I was embarking on the unknown, having great faith and highest of hopes that I would be something greater than I am today.

I know I'm not like the people walking in this mall nor am I like many people. It's very apparent to me. I stand apart and I stand alone.

The welt on my finger is the size of Texas and I didn't know skin could do what it is doing. There will probalby be a scar and I will remember when and how it occured. Every scar has a story. I think a kid I worked with my first year at the Junior High, 50 miles north of me wrote a story about that, every scar having a story.

I should be open to any and every job that is do-able, not waitressing or "head-hunting" but as I said, I never want to be where I am today.

I have thought and thought what if I had met this insurance agency 7 years ago but it doesn't matter. What if, doesn't matter.

This quote is from a man who lived and died a very long time ago. "The good things in prosperity are to be wished; but the good things that belong in adversity are to be admired." From Seneca.

Not sure how to expand on that quote---I'm sure some people could say there are good things that are coming from this adversity in my life--if you asked me, I would probably have to say the awakening of the dream---to have my mother's life in film.

Cindy