An un-clarity

There is an "un-clarity" in one or some of my previous posts. I think it's got the title, "Education and Book." I do maybe "ramble"--but I had so many thoughts bombarding me---"Josh" has always been a subject of mystery and "unsettledness" to me---

And I'm going to get off track here--I just looked outside and see how badly some bushes need trimmed---

He, "Josh" has been an issue of "un-settledness." The only way to think "straight" about him, is if I think about him in the book, but then, what All happened in the book didn't happen in real life.

Do you know what it's like to think or feel that there is "magic" between you and someone else? And, here I go with maybe some rambling or disconnect--but it can be debatable to people whether that "magic" existed and even to myself, once in awhile. I have "snapshots" in my mind and that's all I have,

And the "Josh" in the book is easier to understand. It's all nice and tidy and works out. He didn't just "go his way" and I "go mine."

Someone said a few months ago that I never got over him. At this point, it's all just like "mush" or a whole lot of things thrown in together. It's like a recipe, making cookies---a lot of things thrown in together. I don't know that "getting over" even applies now. I don't know that there's anything concrete enough to it now. It's kind of like a 3-D thing, where you're given a piece of paper and it looks like dots of color but when you put on the 3-D glasses you see an image--except I don't have those glasses and I don't know if I ever will.

It's difficult to get over someone or something when you never saw a sense to it and difficult when wonderinf if you anything wrong (AND not wanting to think that you did). I wondered if I was wrong in any way---wrong for my feelings for him and things I did to see him, "pursue" him---I wondered if I was in the wrong, and for so long tried not to talk about specifics to someone, about him. Tried to never get down to "brass tacks" as my beautiful mother would have said, with this person. Was like a big white elephant in the room. But, it's been a long time since the "Josh" thing happened---long time, yet it was all in the book, and the book has a happy ending and I'm good with that---I'm good with it. It needs a happy ending--"Billie"--aka Bernice Boggs Taylor--needed her daughter "Leslie" to have a happy ending, even if it's in book form, somewhat fictional form. It's a beautiful ending, and I've been trying to keep it a secret what happened in real life, until the Oprah show.

There's conflict and a state of hypocrisy and oxymornish things when I try to consider "Josh," yet he's an integral part of the book and was and has been, an integral part of my life. I do have a difficult time talking about him with clarity.

I don't fully believe my life is over, although I am having a difficult time of seeing a future--the dream keeps me going--but I want another happy ending. I want a happy ending that I don't have to make up. I want it and I need it and I do deserve it, because I'm Bernice Boggs Taylor's daughter.

I hope that I make something more of my life, for her though, because it seems I've spit in her face. She worked really, really hard and here I am, where I am.

It's all got to happen. Goodness has got to happen.