the new part time job tonight

I did the new part time job tonight where I work in a mall trying to get people to get interested in remodeling their bath tub or shower.

Not bad--I didn't hand out any cards though.

I found myself entirely frustrated with my state in life. Added up hours and multiplied by $ 7.

I'm not sure how I did this---I know I spent 7 years thinking that I would make things up after I climbed the pay scale ladder of education. I had the highest of hopes and now I have nothing. There is money in insurance and sales--but I'm at a point I don't want to have to sit in insurance classes and then---I don't know. There is no guarntee in insurance and sales. There is no gurantee in life. I just am worn out. I am absolutely worn. I'm tired and I'm spent. I'm well spent.

But somehow, there are people who have become successful, make over $100,000 a year, and some of them are in insurance and sales.

I will have to work 60 hours a week to make $1600 a month. I've never made over $2,000 a month, I realized, and I'm 34.

Thought I'd be doing it by now and in education but no. no. no.

I called a friend who knows what's going on and she asked how I was. I said I could be better. She asked what was wrong---if something happened---SHE KNOWS what is going on---what has happened is that Nothing has happened.

That is what is wrong. Nothing is what is wrong. She thinks that having my animals is keeping me from things--like government housing. I said I had a degree and almost a Masters degree--I don't need to be in government housing.

Two people from the same business came up to me--two people from Primerica--a subsideary of Citibank. I got to vent about being an unemployed special education teacher and being broke. I vented.

I am so talented--and I so have to get over that Stephen Crane quote about existing. I am so very talented---Ellen DeGeneres, I am so very talented. I have a heart. I have such a heart. If I could get paid for what is in my heart--but I can't. I can't get paid just because I love animals and can write and did write beautiful poetry and wish I could right the wrong that was done to my mother. I can't get paid for any of that.

I saw a dog that had been hit on the side of the road on my way to my job---it looked like it had gotten out of its yard. It looked like it had a collar on and it looked cute. Of course it was not alive anymore but it broke my heart. Seeing dogs or cats that have lost their life on the road always makes me feel so bad.

I also saw my mental health professional today. She asked me if I thought I was obsessed over my movie dream. I wake up to Nothing, work throughout the day whenever I can wherever I'm supposed to be for it seems Nothing, and everything is Nothing, except that dream. I shared my movie dream with one of the guys that came up to me. He was a good listener. Really good listener.

The thing is--it's the only thing that seems worthwhile at times, and then a moment tonight I thought maybe I was just obsessed with it and that it maybe should be swept under the rug again. I saw something extraordinary being made of my mother's life when I was in high school, and although there may be some obstacles to overcome with it, it should go on--it should be and I'm sorry for any over-insistence I have about it--my life--the hell I'm in--everything--I'm sorry if I'm making something of myself that starts with an "a" and ends with 2 "s's." I'm sorry--but I have nowhere to go--I'm smart, intelligent, passionate and have nothing. I have nothing. I am scanning online Employment ads--I so went into the wrong profession. I so am so unemployable.

I fit in nowhere.

I saw young people passing me today at the mall and would think, "Oh, I bet they like math. They'll always have a job."

I hope I am not and sorry if am making the thing of myself that starts with an "a." I am so sorry. I am a really great person but going through hell. Going through hell.

I live for my dogs and cats. I live for them. They are my life. They are the reason I'm fighting right now--and I am fighting. I don't know where I belong, but I'm fighting.

Cindy