Thinking about controversy

I wish I could put everything up here and out here--wish I could. Wish I could post parts of my book, but then no one would buy the book ( which needs overhauled )

Yeah---I've been wondering about how you get a script together when a chunk or two needs overhauled. The only part I'm really comfortable with is the Josh and Leslie parts. But that needs to go more in depth too. I will say this: It needs to said, "Josh wished Leslie would hurry up and get a job. He hated waiting but for her, he would wait the rest of his life."

There's an email or two I can't open because I'm afraid this person is taking the same sort of stance that he did. This person knew us and I have been open about everything--things I was not before--and I may have made a pest of myself--letting her know all the things that are going and not going in my life. I think I may have said this and will say (again)---he said some things that I never was able to understand---to this day and till the day I die--- no understanding. I think back to some instances, and I remember things. I remember looks, and the sound of his voice, I remember actions---and there is one explanation to one instance that I came up with, though on my own, and I have regretted my words before his action. I regretted it and have wondered so long if I had not said what I said, if he would not have said what he said and if we would be together today.

SOME people would want to say I imagined everything, that I'm changing the past, but I know what happened and everything that happened, happened---except the end of the book and the fiction that I must weave in---I know some people would be like, "Let it go. You haven't let go of it yet?" I have lived the past years as well as I can and could with an absolute ________. I don't even know what the word is---mystery isn't a good enough word. With an absolute--I do not know---absolute, utter---I have lived the past years with a hole in my heart, an absolute--if you have the word for me, let me know. Something greater than Mystery.

And I was doing well for some time with it all---I had a pretty good full acceptance of it.

It's all turned to mush now, though--I don't want what I used to want. Over isn't anything anymore---Not to keep bringing Ellen up, but there was a time when something very puzzling, I'm sure happened in her life. I'm sure she said or wanted to say, "How could you do that or say that?"

Maybe puzzle is the word I'm looking for, or maybe not.

Yeah, people could find exception to what I am trying to bring to life.

Wish I could open those emails--but I can't.

If the subject was: "It's all good" I would.

I'm just afraid this person has a problem with everything---

Josh---he becomes Leslie's rock, and he loves her, and her pain is his pain. Especially when they are apart, but he can't do anything about it. He has eyes that are so expressive and show what he's feeling, what he's feeling, all the time. He had such eyes. His face and his eyes showed it all. All the time. How I loved him. How he got inside my being. How I loved him and how he captured me--powerful, powerful man to a young woman trying to pick up the pieces of her mother's death and move forward into a sense of the unknown, believing life would somehow be good.