Hate going to sleep

I hate going to sleep because I have to wake up and stuff seems to come at me when I wake up. It's ok if I just keep an awareness of what is happening but to sleep and then wake up---it's bad. It's bad.

And I've been dreaming about "josh" and dreaming about his wife in a sense--last night wasn't easy to go through

i wish i could explain the whole thing but i couldn't if tried because i don't understand it myself. i don't understand how people change, like day and night in a split second. i don't understand how people can like wear a costume and take it off and be a different person. there was an element of always wondering about him an element of complete mystery and not being able to....see i can't even finish the thought. a cold stone wall

i can't explain it. i see oprah trying to talk about it with me and still having this blank--

and this computer is going to die and i have to end this here. will try to go to sleep and dream about being taken out to dinner

CIndy