Again, I could have screamed

The job thing today---I know I say this ocassionally---again, I could have screamed.

I had to read a book before I interviewed. It entailed the position, and if I had been eating, it would have been sawdust. Something either being an unrealistic creative event happening or traumatic in the past was hitting my brain as I was reading it. I saw this Movie coming through or myself standing in front of someone a long time ago ( I wasn't far from the location)--him standing like a stone wall and his eyes. I tried to read through the whole thing. It was well over 100 pages. I could have screamed. I just could have screamed. I remembered not having to read a book before being in a position--just being there and knowing what to do--(my special education tutoring job). I remembered writing the IEPs though I hated doing it. I remembered the people. And there I was sitting there, trying to ask myself if I could do this position, and knowing, beyond a shadow of a doubt that I could not.

I felt I'd be better at McDonald's and if the Americorp office was around the corner from that office, I would have been saying, "I'm ready to sign."

It was a "head-hunter" recruiting position for an employment agency of sorts. It paid---I could live off it, but I knew if I was just out of college I could have an honest shot at it. There was a line that talked about failure and if you failed at something at it you only had yourself to blame. I knew I didn't need to think about blame anymore. I'm doing enough of that as it is.

I read the whole thing, and with great reluctance and acceptance, told them I had read it all. I wondered if I should have left then (but then, I Knew it was turning down an amount I could live off of). The man asked me if I was interested in doing it and I said I wasn't sure.

I told him if I was just out of college I knew I could.

I just don't want to have to learn a whole lot of detail oriented things that have nothing to do with an interest of mine. I feel too old, too worn out, too out of faith. I'm about out of it.

I feel like I've been asleep for 10 years and just woke up. I feel as if I just woke up.

I'm so tired of trying to think about Hours and when I'm going to be able to do what and when. I'm so tired of it. This isn't right. This isn't fair and I need to get past that Stephen Crane quote. I need to come out--I'm not gay but I need to come out. I need to tell the world this secret or secrets I've been hiding. I need to and I need to now.

I'm going to probably be letting Frisch's know I'm quitting there---I have a new part time job that doesn't involve food--just handing out cards. I'm going to be working with a bathroom remodeling company at their kiosks in malls or trade shows. I am not sure how I applied with them but this guy named Mark called me about it. He's very nice and I was doing paperwork at their office today and he asked me about my day and I couldn't exactly reply. He seemed to understand---best part of my day--took the edge off. I'm sure I wasn't "acting" happy at all. I really still wanted to scream.

This Weighing of Decisions is and has been completely overwhelming, I see what I did for almost a decade or worked toward doing for almost a decade and I feel spent. I feel well spent.

Americorp--year long committment (that's why Ellen needs to call--but like that would happen, people can say they're sorry or just ignore me like nothing)--year long committment and then I'd probably work with the bathroom remodling company on Saturday and Sunday and have to work at McDs from 6 am to 10 am. Americorp would be 11 am to 6 pm---about 4 or 5 hours to myself and my dogs. I wonder, too, what would be exactly for me after that year, as far as employment. It is said that people can get a lot of offers after working with them but I don't know what would be for me.

I'm tired of this. There is something artistic and creative that should be in my future, very near, soon future.

Cindy