Dear "Josh"

Dear "Josh,"

Some day, I'm going to be on Oprah and a book that I wrote about my mother's life, my life and life is going to made into a movie. "You" are in that book. Everything that happened in the time you knew me is in that book.

I gave you a copy or sent you a copy. I thought you would recognize things if you read it, but I realize you could have thrown it away. The book has poetry in it, poetry I wrote about you. I've wondered if your wife ever wrote poetry about you.

I always wanted to meet your family. I thought it sounded like you had the greatest family, especially parents. You knew I lost mine.

Oprah will say, "But it didn't end in real life the way it did in the book, did it?" And I will say, "No, it ended with, 'I_________________ and you_______________." I'm going to say it ended with what you said. And it did.

You can say what you want, whatever you want, but I will always think I was a chance you never took--wrote a poem with something about "a chance you never took" and a "look." A look and a chance you never took.

I wonder so many things--if something or another was my fault, if I had said something, done something different, if things would be different today. But I will never forget what you said. Never forget. The way you looked and then that time, that one time, the way you sounded, when you said it. Never forget it. I believed you for about 5 seconds and then something would come over me---it seemed so absurd to me I wondered how you believed it yourself.

You can say all you want to say about how......but there's an Alanis Morisette song that fits the bill. It fits to the letter and it's not that one Alanis song that you sang, although I feel it sometimes, in relation to this. There's an Alanis song.

I'm going through hell right now. There was something I neglected to tell you--actually something I forgot to tell you about myself--about my mother. I went into education, you might have surmised from something, and it, the career has failed me. Uh, hate to admit this, but I'm broke. I'm so broke.

But, I am pursuing this book and movie thing---pursuing to the highest and most fervent degree. I wanted Cameron Mathison to play you, but I don't know how that will work out. Cameron would have to learn to play guitar and sing, if he doesn't. There's a guy on Young and the Restless who plays guitar and sings, I believe. He has blond hair and blue eyes, but it doesn't exactly "hit me" for him to play you. I have wondered if the lead singer from Life House acts, but I would like to see Cameron do it. Whoever it is will wear plaid shirts and faded jeans.

I have wished you could see All of my poetry.

In the book, my aunt "Maggie" sees you and tells you I'm in love with you, and you tell her you want to marry me and she says that I'm not ready to get married. You push me away, and that was why you said what you said. That was why, and after I decide to go into education, you come back. You Find Me, and you ask me to marry you. It's beautiful. It's a beautiful, beautiful, happy ending. You waited for me. I thought it showed the Ultimate, of love.

But Oprah Will Say, "It didn't end that way in real life, did it?" And I will say, "No, it ended with....."

And Mr. Wonderful will be in the audience, and he will politely raise his hand, and say, "And nothing like that will ever happen to her again."

Cindy