Sending the video to ELLEN DeGeneres

I finally picked up the copies of the video I made of my mother in 1994 while she was in the hospital, for the most part.

I believe it shows her beauty and her strength.

There is a part in it where I ask her if I will "make it." And she replies, so emphatically and enthusiastically, "Yes, you will make it. I have no doubt that you will...." That was ever so clear to me, while looking around the area, not far from where I live, where "would be successful people live", while at the Rick Springfield concert. The concert area is a very upscale sort of area, and I felt so alone. I felt like everyone there had to be more successful than me. I also felt guilty for being there, that I should be at the restaurant, working, for almost nothing.

I'm sending Ellen a copy of a letter I left for someone I was "office temping" for, a letter where I think I sound professional. I wonder about my "professional tone" or lack thereof.

I have heard, "I'm sorry" in relation to something I was pursuing in the spring, and I am sure she can say, "I'm sorry," or have someone else say, "I'm sorry, but there's not any way to help." I hope not, though.

From my email, I hope she knows who I am and that I'm not a "freaky fan," but that I want and need help in getting my mother's story, our story out there in the most respectable and authentic of ways.

I don't have a career anymore and it doesn't feel I ever will again, and if I could use this time to work on this project with someone who does things like this, uh, makes movies, I suppose, that this unemployment hell would be for a good cause or reason. Everything would be right. As much as I've tried to get a job, this time should be worth something.

I hope Ellen hears me.

I do not like the way I look or sound on the video, but I was 19, and I had been going to the hospital, every day for over a month and the nurses kept the room open so I could use the bed for resting, hanging out, on the other side of her. I am not sure if she offically had a private room, but it was where I hung out. My mother, my rock, was dying and I didn't want it to happen and I tried to keep it from happening.

This video shows her beauty, strength, grace and love of people and love for me. I want the world to see it, in a way.

My uncle, whom I do not endorse the views of, is on at the end as is my aunt, whom I mention at times. It was before her stroke and she is doing something she probably shouldn't be since she's on camera.

I know Ellen doesn't make or produce movies but I know she helps people, and I need help.

Cindy