This View thing on the site says I've had 60 people view my profile. I hope I've had that many view the blog.

I know I'm like 10 of those. It counts even when you look at your own profile.

I'm a Google account peson and at the bottom of the Search bar it says, "in Memoriam: Randy Pausch" I wondered who he was and actually he was someone who ran across my mind not too long ago. I wondered about him. He was on Oprah and quite a few shows. I didn't watch a lot of his appearances but I knew what he was talking about and what he was about in general. It was too compelling for me to watch, too beautiful and too sad to watch a lot of it---I think to say he lived like he was dying, though, would not be correct. To me, it always appeared he lived like he was living. I think that was his whole point.

He must have died today or yesterday. He was a professor at Carnegie Mellon.

I am completely touched by his life. It makes me tearful. I bet Oprah cried when she found out he died, and I wouldn't be surprised if Ellen cried.

He had a resemblence of my uncle.

When you click on the In Memoriam it takes you to YouTube and it has his video there. I can't listen because this computer's sound system has been knocked out, but there are powerpoint slides. He said, "Brick walls are there for a reason: they let us prove how badly we want things. " "Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted," he said.

I know those brick walls, and I know how badly I wanted to be a part of the educational system. The educational system was my brick wall, and today, I have lost most of my will and desire to be in it. I feel it offers me nothing. Closed doors. I can't even see myself substituting, even though I need to, to get in some more time with the Retirement System. My other brick wall is this movie--being seen--heard--known--I want it badly but it definately is a brick wall. I went to Waffle House with my aunt today (unless otherwise noted, my mom's sister who had TIAs back in 2002) and while there, I was thinking about experience, in the way that Randy mentioned. If I could go back to some things, I would have never said what I said and I never will again. I never will again, say that I "guess" someone was the love of my life when I'm sitting in front of a man who could very well be--if asked by him, with eyebrows raised and a low, deep voice.

I was feeling completely wasted in life while eating my eggs, grits and toast and drinking coffee. I was Regretting things in my past, thinking that if I could just go back and not say one or two things, things might be different. Regretting my psychology degree. She acknowledged my utter dis-taste and feeling of hopelessness in working two jobs that she said went "nowhere."

I am trying my utmost best to think that maybe something positive will come out of one of these two part time jobs---that maybe something, somehow positive will happen, since and even though things look so absolutely mirky. I keep trying. I used to be one with Hope and Faith. I was the highest Hoper in the world. And here I am---Here I am.

Thought about my mom and my dad---my dad especially and a time that is shown in my book, thought about Trying to finish those first four years of college and a conversation with my half sister about my father, (our) father.

My mother lived the IF poem, by Rudyard Kipling and I can't feel nor see myself as strong as she was or as wonderous as she was, yet I have have had to live through things that I would so not have rather lived through--and it took strength for me to live through them. I know it took strength to live through what I have.

A friend said quite awhile ago that I'm too young for memoir---I do hope things get better and that there are going to be great things to add. I do have so much to give in so many ways and to so many people.

I have a dream, less than that of Martin Luther King, yet a dream.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo the Randy Pausch YouTube address

Cindy