the Rick Springfield concert

Rick Springfield is an absolute talent. The concert was absolutely awesome! It was the best thing I have done in years---years. LOVED it. The music completely "spoke" to me and I danced--in my own way of dancing--clapped my hands to the music with everyone. It was "me." It was me---it was all me.

He's so interactive. Awesome.

I didn't realize it would be so difficult to see him though. He kind of looked like an large ant, but a cute large ant. My aunt couldn't see him at all, with the problems that the stroke (TIAs) caused in her eyesight and if I had problems seeing him, she really had problems seeing him. We had lawn seats but she later moved back to the terrace---no one was really in the terrace. I am hoping that sometime she and I get a more up close concert experience with Rick.

But as wonderful as it was, I cried through a lot of it. Tears flowed. I looked up at the sky and I felt so alone. My aunt was with me but I felt so alone and I felt the feeling of being a failure. That I failed in life since my mom died. I thought about how when most of those songs were first out, my life was perfect. Life was perfect for me. I hadn't screwed up anything yet, my mother was alive and life was good for me. I wished my heart hadn't been so heavy and things weren't "in my face." I thought about "Josh" and wondered why---WHY---that hadn't gone right, why he wasn't there with me and just why I was there alone.

Toward the end, I thought about her writing about our daily life and I thought about if she were alive, she would have said, "Cindy wanted to go to the Rick Springfield concert, so we went...I was barely able to see him. She enjoyed the music as she always did." I cried at that inclination, also. I cried so much through it.

I wonder why my life had to be a crap-shoot. I thought about how I have these interviews next week and what sort of stability they might have or bring me--if one of them would take me to the success that I so desire and seek.

I thought about my movie that needs to be made and how to get over the Stephen Crane quote, "A man once said to the universe, 'I exist,' and the Universe replied, 'but that doesn't create in me a sense of obligation.'" That is what I am trying to get over and have been trying to get over for SO LONG---I exist and there are people that need to see what I do and have done and can do--my talent---my passion, my poetry, my writing---everything that is inside me, people need to see.

I have to get over the world not having a sense of obligation to my existence.

Someone, hear and see,

Cindy