Today at McDs and such

I went into McDs today to work for the first time and I could have thrown up and screamed. One right after the other.

I think it is worse than the restaurant waitressing job. I think it is.

I wondered why I got a degree in psychology and why I didn't try more at math. I wondered. No one ever thinks anything is going to be as difficult as it is.

I had to stand by the woman frying the meat and then I had to try. I kept getting the order in how you stack the patties wrong in getting them on the spatula and then into the plastic thing where they are kept when they go in the heating thing---oh, yuck. yuck, yuck, yuck.

Oh, yuck.

Not that I'm any better than anyone (as I feel like I'm akin to something on the bottom of shoes now) but I thought, I put too much thought into things to be here, doing this. I'm slow but I try to think (obviously, though, not well enough, since I'm here--in this position).

I've worked before at McDs---but before, there was something to work toward---and I am not sure what I'm working toward now--except maybe a career in insurance again--but I was thinking a lot about how I thought I was going into education the last time. I was thinking a lot about that. Feeling like a "flop" doesn't even begin to "cut it." I kept trying to think about my former math teacher from high school, whom my mom knew, and think I had the best of intentions. I just tried to think about her.

I was at a County fair yesterday with the bathroom remodeling company and I met another guy from the Primerica company. He was interested in an estimate and when I asked the best time to call, he said he was in sales, also. I asked what company and he said Primerica.

I was stationed beside a guy from another insurance company and he said they were hiring and paid a weekly amount, which I could so live from and I'm sure that fades away when you get business (frankly, I'm not sure how that works but I doubt it is a constant thing).

I have done little but wonder how people get into what they are into and how they "Make It." I met a guy who seems to have built a house 8 years ago but his grammar wasn't that great. I wondered what he did--

I'm going to meet with the insurance company tomorrow--the company next to where I was stationed, which pays a weekly amount, but let me say, I have so many mixed feelings about leaving the educational field. I feel rejected, dejected, and like I'm swallowing a bitter pill by leaving it, as I may be. I don't think anyone anywhere in it, near by, has any interest in having me, so--there is a loss in this. There is a loss. My heart was there for so long and for so long I thought it would be the rest of my working years.

I can't describe it any better.

If I somehow get out of this rut I'm in through this insurance company, my uncle (who Matthew Perry needs to play) will still see me as having failed. He'll still see me that way and the only way I could have avoided where I am would to have been to live with him and his then, congnizant, healthy wife (whom he divorced after her dibilitating stroke and married another woman who helped him take care of her).

Yeah, to him, I failed. I ran with the ball and dropped it.

But, I'm going to go pick up my aunt and take her to the store to get some things and then probably go back to the fair, which I want to discuss later (the fair that is).

Don't want to forget saying I got a Pic. of Charlie Sheen after sending him a note in the spring and letting him know I wanted him to play the nice assist. Superintendent. It's going to happen.

It's going to happen. This all has to happen.

Cindy