Wondering

Sometimes I wonder if I'm in the right to try to get this project done, made, completed. Sometimes I wonder if the next person I try to talk to will tell me that they're sorry, they can't help---I guess I'm wondering if someone I've been petitioning in a sense will tell me, they're sorry--they can't help.

I wonder if I'll get a letter saying it's not their business to help in this situation.

I do not want to have to write to Steven Speilberg, but I guess I will if I have to---I'm a little tired of writing. Just a little, if it's for nothing.

I have played scenes over in my head and wonder if it's Academy Award material, and I don't think some of the people I want to play in this movie would play in it if it weren't Academy Award material. I wonder if I can keep the "Josh" and "Leslie" thing in it.

I thought about reading the "If" poem at the beginning, and that there be a blurb about "Billie" being based on the life of Bernice Boggs Taylor but there is an element of fiction to it.

Names and places were changed. Something else was changed but everything about "Billie" was my mother as much as possible, in the book, and I left out a ton of stuff. Left out a ton of stuff.

I'm trying to keep that something else as much of a secret as possible. I want, when I'm on Oprah, for her to ask me something else besides what I said before, and I want to say, "...But I have someone wonderful in my life." I want someone wonderful in my life.

In the book, "Maggie" goes to see "Josh," and "Josh" is in love with "Leslie." He wants to ask her to marry him, and "Maggie" tells Josh that Leslie isn't ready to get married. She has to go out into the world and find out what she wants to do with her life. Maggie (my aunt) doesn't want Leslie to fall into just being a wife, not that there's anything wrong with that---she just wants Leslie to be independent of him. Josh obliges. He pushes Leslie away and Leslie has some experiences and growing pains and never stops wanting Josh. She never stops thinking about him. She doesn't understand why he pushed her away. He lands a job (I don't say what he does, but that is going to change) and he comes back to (wherever--Gallatin, I think) and finds her at the University when Leslie makes a decision to pursue a career in education. He tells her everything, and he asks her to marry him. It's beautiful. The book is called For the First Time, and I hope it can be called that because Kenny Loggins has a song called For the First Time. I must admit, I thought of the song when I was naming the book, but it really comes from a line in the last chapter. I have a line in the last chapter, "and for the first time Leslie..."

Maybe I just spilled the beans. I guess not all of America is reading this.

I hope I'm not appearing an idiot.

My mom would say I am "blogging up a storm." "Up a storm."

I'm not sure how to get in the stuff in the book that I left out.

My mother wrote an account of my father's family and the impact of electricity on Franklin, OH, in the early 1900s. She was interested in the invention of electricity and Thomas Edison. My grandfather Taylor was an electrician and was responsible for installing electricity in a lot of homes in Franklin. She was interested in geneology. She had the book printed but was disappointed with the construction of the books and the sales. She spent a lot of time on it while the school problems were going on.

This has to happen. And I have to find that wonderful person.

Cindy