Someone told me that I needed to be happy and I need to be happy even though I'm going through hell.

She doesn't think Oprah will take notice. No one thinks, I don't think, that Oprah will take notice.

And, I wonder why I haven't been working at Frisch's since 1998. I would be better at it, by now.

It's awful to feel alone and like no one will ever see what you've done and tried to do.

In 2001, I knew I had made some mistakes and I thought by going into this Special Education field I would be able to overcome those mistakes and that life would be good. I told myself not to think about what happened in my mom's career. Just do it. Just do it, I told myself.

And I kept trying.

I've tried my heart out and I'm waiting. Waiting. Wondering what this week will bring. If anyone will read this. If there is any way, anyone, anywhere will hear me.

I don't know if what I'm doing is a good thing here, or bad. I don't know if I'm putting myself out of a job by doing this. I don't know anything anymore. The last time I talked to a couple of people about jobs I was upbeat, but in a way I was just acting, and now things have come to a point, where I'm worried, terribly, and I hate saying that.

One time when I was honest about something, I was shunned for it. I am always afraid of my own honesty.

This is a make or break time in my life and I don't intend on breaking. I'm doing everything I can to keep from it.

Cindy