this hell I'm going through

I don't know how people know to do what they do in life---it mystifies me. I guess they like something and they work towards it or something falls into their hands or lap. I truly do not know.

From what I've experienced and seen, there's not a slot that former educators fit into--

Insurance--been there done that.

It's a mystery to me--how people do what they do, know what to do, do it and become good at it. I'm at a loss.

I'm looking at my beautiful dog, Maggie. She has these big amber, yellowish eyes and she has floppy ears and she's brownish red with a white chest. We're sitting in bed and I believe she knows something is wrong. I worry. I worry. I worry. I worry about losing her and the others. I worry. She's snuggled up and comfortable. I don't want to lose her.

I do not know what there is for me to do.

I may be appearing a lunatic and I know I'm not the only person in the world with problems but at the moment, I sure feel like it. I wish I could go back to a day when I thought everything was going to be ok, that I was going to do something that could adequately support me and even make me wealthy.

How do people do it?

I believe I have a talent but getting people to see it is an enormous, gigantic thing. I'm a strongly passionate person. I am a respector of emotion. I put situations into words, a long time ago, and I had a talent for it. I haven't written a lot in some time, but I would like something to come from my talent. I would like to do something that relates to what comes and has come from my heart.

If I could talk to Tom Hanks and George Clooney.

My wonderful mother had such a problem after she was "put out." Even though key people wrote her great recommendation letters, she never knew what to put down on the question, "Why did you leave your former job?" She never knew what to put down and there are questions on applications and during interviews that if you were in her position, it was next to impossible to overcome. I hate some of those questions myself. How do you get past having been terminated in the middle of your 25th year on grounds of incompetence?

She didn't want to leave her former job.

She talked about that question and not knowing how to deal with it, and I hate that question myself.

I hate most questions on applications.

"Have you ever been dismissed or terminated?"

There are questions that declare you a good or bad person, and I just hate the formality.

I couldn't do things the way she did and I'm in an even terrible spot it feels, than she was. She didn't work from the time she was fired until she started in real estate, and real estate was basically a hobby. She made a few thousand dollars from it. She worried about money and would say, "There's more going out than coming in." Well, I screwed it all up and I know she was afraid that I would.

And she said I would make it. In that video I sent to Ellen, she said I was going to make it--and I haven't and I do not know how I ever will.

I had beautiful recommendation letters myself. I will post them a little later. Beautiful. I was so shocked last year when I interviewed and was turned down. My letters are beautiful.

I hate it too when you get voice mail or an answering machine and it sounds like the person is actually answering but it's the recorded message. They're like, "Hi, this is Cindy." and they pause for a second, and you start talking or want to start talking but then you hear, "I can't come to the phone right now..."

No, I don't know how to get out of this and make anything better or successful.

I spent money, savings, trying to support myself while I was trying to get into the education field, thinking I could work things back---but here I am where I am. When I did get a job it was 50 miles away---wore out a car---made less than most people in education because I worked for a County. I started this in 2001---2001 and started interviewing then---anyone that would interview me---had been told I didn't need my teaching license or certificate---that someone would hire me anyway---did get a job that year but I felt backed up against a wall like my mom--left that place. Several times in this field I have been able to sympathize with my mom. Finally, I got that job that I drove 50 miles one way, 100 miles round trip for 3 years. My uncle tells me that isn't unusual. He tells me about people that work in New York City and have a long commute.

I will tell about my last supervisor in another post. I cried all night after one of his observations.

I do not know what I'm going to do.