More on what my Uncle thinks

For some reason, taking a bath brings things to mind. I know Tolie, (I know mis-spelled his name), who has been on Oprah says he rarely thinks about the past. It's like the first line in one of his books.

Last night I wanted to walk up to Mr. Tom Hanks guy and tell him a movie about my mom was going to be made and Tom Hanks was going to play him but I couldn't. I also wanted to tell him I became an educator and had a great position with a great district but I couldn't do that either.

The girl I was with at the event, with the bathtub remodeling company, thought a movie was really going to be made and Tom and George were going to be in it. She asked if it was a "done deal" of sorts and I said, "oh, no, not yet but I'm working on it."

Yeah, it galls me to the core that my uncle thinks he could have made sure what is happening to me right now didn't---he probably thinks I could have $1,000,000 by now if he had had more to do with it. He probably would have steered me away from the educational field and I don't know what he'd have me doing. Not sure. I wonder if would be stock-broking.

I spent 7 years of my life working on this---7 years---I started in 2001, and somewhere along the line I should have been doing something different. I know, I should have been working at a restaurant but you look at the pay scales and you think, "If I can just get a job here I'll be Ok. Not rolling in the dough but I'll be ok. I can use some of the savings now because I'll be Ok." Darn myself. I helped some good kids for 3 years and one before that. I think I have always helped a kid or two or if I'm lucky, more---More---I helped and now I'm broker than broke can be--I probably should have stayed with AFLAC---I like the manager I was with and it's a great company. I walked into it though with eyes wide open, and I thought it was a great job for after college. I had one account--the City of which I live---and that was all---and I thought I needed something that paid by the hour, so I chose to work at a bank. My uncle has never let that go, either---"but they were paying you," he said. But I cried before I went in every morning. I hated it. Hated, Hated it. Knew I should be working in a school even if it was in the cafeteria, so after "temping" for about 6 months in offices, I thought Education would be my stablizer. It would be it. It would be where I needed to be in spite of the past. Started it in 2001 and should have done something different along the way---I'm trying not to say I shouldn't have done it.

Someone who is a great friend said it would be Ok for me to say I shouldn't have done it for the sake of self-preservation.

7 years I gave to this and here I am---SO VERY BROKE. Broke!!!

7 years and I could still have my savings and be half a millionaire by now.

I lived on thinking it would be ok tomorrow and ten years down the road. I saw nothing but success.

My uncle has even thrown in my face, in the past, once, that my book didn't work out.

I thought I would physically die or shrivel up when my mom died. When the doctor called and said it was in her liver, I paced the house. I held my hands in praying position and paced the house and said, "oh God." I paced the house. I knew it meant the end. I knew---I knew---I always knew that if it was in the liver, the physicality of a person would be over. I knew it. I knew that snuffed out a life. But, somehow, I picked up and lived through it and when she died, somehow, after days of denial and doing everything I could to push away the reality of it happening, I accepted it. I led my aunt out of the room and it was ok. It was ok.

It was ok.

And here I am---alive---years later but I'm not sure what for---dogs and some cats. And my aunt but she could live in Louisville with her daughter. I'm not sure where I'm going to meet that man my mom talked about (in the video I made she said she had no doubt I would have a nice husband and nice children). She said she had no doubt and I am almost crying as I write this. "I have no doubt," she said. I didn't either for awhile.

My clock radio gets in between two stations sometimes. There's a country station playing, "Keeper of the Stars," "It was no accident, me finding you,,,Someone had a hand in it long before we ever knew." I'm 34 and the kids that were kids when I had become an adult or later are now married, getting married, and having kids. And I'm 34. I wanted to be younger than my mom was when I got married. I thought for sure that would happen but here I am 34 and pushing that age.

And not be trite after writing what I did before, but movies don't always show something like what I described. Maybe there is one but I haven't seen it (or maybe I didn't want to), There's a movie I did let myself see about a mom having cancer and it was with Susan Saranden (One True Thing?)

God----let me find a way, my way.

Cindy