Trying to be positive

I can't make this long. I have to be at the restaurant in a few minutes.

I am trying to be positive. I am so trying. I told my aunt today I could just roll over and she said, "play dead." And yeah, I could do that.

Thinking about it--I could play dead but I can't. I could but I can't.

I don't know how anyone else would deal with this. I have had it in my face so long, for so much of my life, what happened to my mom/my mother. And I have tears in my eyes as I write this. I have known for so long and yesterday was the anniversary of her death.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of my father's death, my father who I never knew. My mother's sister (my aunt) never liked him. She says my mother needs a movie made about her just for being with him.

And, here I am, feeling like I failed in life, like I haven't handled it as well as my mother did, and I'm in no way in the good place she was when she was my age. I have been 1000 steps behind trying to get there. Trying, trying, trying to get there.

It is all in my face right now. I do not want to be 35 or 36 and still be in this place. I am 34 and I know this isn't meant to be. But I need people and I need people to hear.

And I have to put on my ugly uniform now.

I am so trying to be positive. Someone somewhere is going to hear this and someone is going to take me out for the night.

Cindy