I was lying in bed and could hardly take the pain. I want out of the pain. If it weren't for the dogs, I'd run away. I would just leave it all behind. I would leave everything behind. LEAVE it all behind.

The reality of my mother's life and death and what I've tried to do in my life was cutting into me like a knife. I had no idea anything like this would happen in my life and I had no idea the impact of what happened to her would hit me as it has.

I was supposed to be a Personell place this morning but I couldn't go to sleep last night. It is a little bit difficult after doing what you do at Frisch's. It's just difficult to wind down. You're on your feet and waiting on people and doing "side work" and it's just difficult to wear off.

I am going to be there at 2 pm tomorrow. I am supposed to be at Career Services at my Univeristy at that time but since it relates to a job I feel better saying I need to reschedule. The guy at the Personell place wanted to know why I couldn't be there this morning and I said I couldn't say. I feel like he's putting me on a firing line.

How am I going to get out of this? How am I going to be a success? How does it happen? The only way I see it happening is if I can get the story out and I can put her life in form---it is resolute and strong inside me. I hate this hell, but I have to get this accomplished. Ellen DeGeneres may not be able to help me make a movie but she has to know someone who knows someone, who may know someone. I don't care how many channels it has to go through---this has got to happen.

Cindy