"Josh"

I am so very happy for this Blog!!!

How liberating.

I am wondering if I should keep things "secret" for now or put it all out there, about "Josh."

I will try to describe how he affected me, and I will try to keep my "Alanis" writing to myself, until I'm on Oprah, because she will say, or should say, "But it didn't end in real life, the way it did in the book, did it?" And I will say____________. (you have to wait) I've been thinking about it since last month.

Something happened to me that is worthy of a Stephen King novel, and I don't want to go into it here, and I don't know how I will ever "go into it," but it was truly unreal, and yet I lived it. When I "woke up," at the end of May, this dream that was never realized, came back to me. I started thinking about a lot of things from May and into June, and everything I'm going through now, as I've said before, is related to the book, and the things that happened or didn't happen in the book.

A friend doesn't understand why I've been angry or perhaps, she doesn't think I should spend energy on these things, but whether or I should or not, I am and I can't help it. I can't help feeling what I'm feeling, because I'm "bussing" tables and taking orders and I can't help but to think about things, and "Josh." I can not control how I feel. A lecture doesn't even apply here, as I was given. Just because you feel something "unpositive" doesn't mean you're wrong. You just feel it and there's nothing that can be done about it. I have been expressing to people how I've been feeling, hourly, sometimes by the minute, by email, and expressing how I feel is my lifeline right now. I've been living by the minute, hour at times.

I have felt I have had Job's friends a lot in my life, and I have felt this way, especially now, but only from one person. (Job, from the Bible, who lost everything and people criticized him)

"Josh." He and the reality of the way things are come to mind as clear as the pictures on the new digital TVs as I'm "bussing" those tables---the things he said and the good life he may be having, come to my mind. I see him in his good life. I told him I was a strong person, which is in the book, and I am. I hope. I hope I prove to myself, and other people, and maybe even him, if there's a way, that I am strong. No matter what has happened or what will happen, I am strong. I'm one, but I'm strong.

I wrote a volume of poetry about him, "Josh," and I gave him some of that poetry. I hope if anyone ever gives me poetry, about me, I would do better than him. I hope I would be better than him. I hope that, even if I felt nothing for the person, I could be better, and I say that in one of my poems. I said, "I pray I will be a better person," or something very, very, very close to that. I think I am right--I think I said, "I pray I will be a better person."

I don't want him to help me anymore. I don't want him sitting in front of me anymore. I don't want him to listen, anymore. I don't want what I used to want, anymore. Those things that happened, worthy of a Stephen King novel, cured me of that. As horrible as the experience was, which started (debate-able, either Feb. of 2007 or August of 2007) last year and lasted until May of this year, I hope did some positive things, like awakening the dream.

I thought about posting my "Alanis" writing, but I won't. Not now. After Oprah.

I thank God Alanis wrote a certain song. I've played it over and over, and it's not that one song.

It's 4:05 am, and I have a day off from the restaurant (today). I think I'm working 33 hours this week.

I don't think I described how he affected me, as I said I would try. Maybe I will. Later. It's not "hitting me," to do that, right now, but I probably will. I probably will.

Maybe "how he affected me" isn't the right way to describe what I want to do. Maybe I'll just tell or "vent" as I've been doing. I will not use his real name, though. No one except a few people will know his real name.

Cindy