Rick Springfield was on the CBS Morning show this morning.
I got to see him better than I did that night at the Fraze but it was cool, at the time, that he was in walking distance from me.
He sang Jessie's Girl. I was on my way to that interview but was able to catch the segment.
Love him--and if you look up his age, you'd be surprised.
Cindy
Thursday, July 31, 2008
The job interview today
I have thought this before, but I may have this job I interviewed for today. It's an educational setting but not a school---They asked for references.
It's not a school.
I interviewed there last year but of course didn't get the job. The people are different this year.
And, I'm so tired I'm going to bed. Went to the County fair today for the bath company and saw a lot of pregnant women.
I wonder if that will ever be me.
Cindy
It's not a school.
I interviewed there last year but of course didn't get the job. The people are different this year.
And, I'm so tired I'm going to bed. Went to the County fair today for the bath company and saw a lot of pregnant women.
I wonder if that will ever be me.
Cindy
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Whatever you want to call it
"Hands on the wheel, cruisn down the interstate, gas peddle sticks, carries my car away, I was going as fast as a Rambler goes, I could feel the speed from my head to my toes, Oh Now I know how Richard Petty feels...I want to know how forever feels."---Kenny Chesney
Heard that tonight. Also heard two songs that I heard last night in different places. Last night on the way home I heard, Huey Lewis's "Feel the Power of Love," and "the River," by Garth Brooks. I love the part in "Feel the Power of Love" when it starts to speed up and he says, "Don't take money. Don't take fame. Don't need a credit card to ride this train...Can't you feel it? Feel the power of luuuv." I was jammin in my car and thought, "Wish I could jam with Huey Lewis. ( I don't play guitar, only piano with music but I could jam if I had the chance) Heard it in the mall tonight, where I hang out with the bathtub. (Bathtub remodeling company). Then, this morning I heard, "There's bound to rough waters and I know I'll take some falls but with the good Lord as my captain, I can make it through them all..." on a radio station that was overpowering my Mix 107.7.
I hope there is a power of love in my life, coming into my life, and that I am going to make it through it all ( of this ). I have a diffucult time with spirituality now because of things I can't quite understand from August of 2007 till May of this year, but I hope the good Lord will help me make it through it all. I am trying to pray.
I believe that opposites attract but for the most part, I think people attract people like themselves and I just haven't met anyone like me yet. I am unique and although I don't really feel it right now, I am special.
What I miss most about my mother is the intellectual conversation. I would encourage parents to have intellectual conversations with their kids, especially when they're in the car together. I would encourage parents to ask their children questions. I miss the "driving home" of her points. She always "drove home" her points while we were driving in the car and every other time we had intellectual conversations. No one and I have had such conversations.
It makes an impact on you when you grow up or grew up knowing your mother was terminated unjustly, injustly and knowing it should have never taken place. Eventually it gets swept under the rug though--one way or another, until maybe you become unemployed and a slew of bad things happen, then it comes back, I guess.
My mother was a Christian and I believe she taught from the textbook as written and evolution as theory but she talked about bringing in a minister who gave presentations on the other side of it. Not sure how she did that with all the Church/State issues but I know she did. I know it was handled in an intellectual sort of way. That's all I know--I know he didn't preach.
(some of this was written the other night)
I have a welt the size of Texas at the base of my middle finger from being burnt by grease at McDs today.
I'm at the mall with the bathtub.
All the pregnant women in the world.
Everything happens for a reason, I hear and am trying to believe.
I've had two women pass by me, already, who are pregnant. There are 2 managers at McDs that are pregnant. I bet 3 more women pass by me who are. Heck, there are probably women passing by right now that are but aren't looking it yet. Some women don't ever become pregnant and that is the way they want it, but for others, they don't have the chance, whether it be a physical reason or situational. I know there is adoption and someone famous did it before she found the right person to have them with biologically.
I feel so badly for women who can not physically become pregnant.
I want children and am not in the position to have them now and a personal criteria has not been met--A man, a wonderful man.
If I feel inadequate looking at pregnant women, I can't imagine what it's like for women who can not physcially have children.
A couple in their late 50s or early 60s just passed. The man took the woman's hand and then she let go. He then put his arm around her and kissed her head. Wow.
People pass by and you can clearly tell they are people with people. People who have people.
Even if I do get people sometime, I will never forget what it was like to not have them. I don't think I'll ever be able to look the way the people do who pass by me---Complete confidence and feeling of stability in their eyes. I don't think I'll ever have it. Even when / if I do get what they have, I don't know if I'll be able to look the way they do.
I have an interview at a place I had an interview at last year. It's an educational setting but it's not a school. I was supposed to have met with the director two weeks ago but he had to cancel to reschedule. I forgot about it till today when his secretary called. His secretary mentioned he had been in the hospital and was eager to meet with me. Wow--someone eager to meet with me.
I'll have to wash the skirt and top I always wear.
I know I "boo-hooed" over it appearing the doors had closed in education, but I don't know that I'd be excited if I got this job. At the moment, I'd rather take an insurance ball and run with it. I never want to be where I am, now, ever again. Never Ever want to be where I am---disallusioned and broke. Never. Depending on results of a questionaire I could be working for an insurance company and making what I did before plus extra---plus extra, with commission.
I feel my heart has been ripped out and replaced with an artificial one. I have a lack of interest to do anything with education now. I would like to know what it's like to make it without a job in Education. People do it all the time and I'd like to know how. I got too comfortable in it--guaranteed paycheck and excellent benefits and retirement system.
I also want to make more than I Ever Have Before---I want MORE $$$ The insurance thing would give me the potential for that.
Something happened to me over this past year and I'm not the same person. I am just not the same.
10 years and 40 pounds ago (1998), I was bright eyed, wide eyed and naive. I was embarking on the unknown, having great faith and highest of hopes that I would be something greater than I am today.
I know I'm not like the people walking in this mall nor am I like many people. It's very apparent to me. I stand apart and I stand alone.
The welt on my finger is the size of Texas and I didn't know skin could do what it is doing. There will probalby be a scar and I will remember when and how it occured. Every scar has a story. I think a kid I worked with my first year at the Junior High, 50 miles north of me wrote a story about that, every scar having a story.
I should be open to any and every job that is do-able, not waitressing or "head-hunting" but as I said, I never want to be where I am today.
I have thought and thought what if I had met this insurance agency 7 years ago but it doesn't matter. What if, doesn't matter.
This quote is from a man who lived and died a very long time ago. "The good things in prosperity are to be wished; but the good things that belong in adversity are to be admired." From Seneca.
Not sure how to expand on that quote---I'm sure some people could say there are good things that are coming from this adversity in my life--if you asked me, I would probably have to say the awakening of the dream---to have my mother's life in film.
Cindy
Heard that tonight. Also heard two songs that I heard last night in different places. Last night on the way home I heard, Huey Lewis's "Feel the Power of Love," and "the River," by Garth Brooks. I love the part in "Feel the Power of Love" when it starts to speed up and he says, "Don't take money. Don't take fame. Don't need a credit card to ride this train...Can't you feel it? Feel the power of luuuv." I was jammin in my car and thought, "Wish I could jam with Huey Lewis. ( I don't play guitar, only piano with music but I could jam if I had the chance) Heard it in the mall tonight, where I hang out with the bathtub. (Bathtub remodeling company). Then, this morning I heard, "There's bound to rough waters and I know I'll take some falls but with the good Lord as my captain, I can make it through them all..." on a radio station that was overpowering my Mix 107.7.
I hope there is a power of love in my life, coming into my life, and that I am going to make it through it all ( of this ). I have a diffucult time with spirituality now because of things I can't quite understand from August of 2007 till May of this year, but I hope the good Lord will help me make it through it all. I am trying to pray.
I believe that opposites attract but for the most part, I think people attract people like themselves and I just haven't met anyone like me yet. I am unique and although I don't really feel it right now, I am special.
What I miss most about my mother is the intellectual conversation. I would encourage parents to have intellectual conversations with their kids, especially when they're in the car together. I would encourage parents to ask their children questions. I miss the "driving home" of her points. She always "drove home" her points while we were driving in the car and every other time we had intellectual conversations. No one and I have had such conversations.
It makes an impact on you when you grow up or grew up knowing your mother was terminated unjustly, injustly and knowing it should have never taken place. Eventually it gets swept under the rug though--one way or another, until maybe you become unemployed and a slew of bad things happen, then it comes back, I guess.
My mother was a Christian and I believe she taught from the textbook as written and evolution as theory but she talked about bringing in a minister who gave presentations on the other side of it. Not sure how she did that with all the Church/State issues but I know she did. I know it was handled in an intellectual sort of way. That's all I know--I know he didn't preach.
(some of this was written the other night)
I have a welt the size of Texas at the base of my middle finger from being burnt by grease at McDs today.
I'm at the mall with the bathtub.
All the pregnant women in the world.
Everything happens for a reason, I hear and am trying to believe.
I've had two women pass by me, already, who are pregnant. There are 2 managers at McDs that are pregnant. I bet 3 more women pass by me who are. Heck, there are probably women passing by right now that are but aren't looking it yet. Some women don't ever become pregnant and that is the way they want it, but for others, they don't have the chance, whether it be a physical reason or situational. I know there is adoption and someone famous did it before she found the right person to have them with biologically.
I feel so badly for women who can not physically become pregnant.
I want children and am not in the position to have them now and a personal criteria has not been met--A man, a wonderful man.
If I feel inadequate looking at pregnant women, I can't imagine what it's like for women who can not physcially have children.
A couple in their late 50s or early 60s just passed. The man took the woman's hand and then she let go. He then put his arm around her and kissed her head. Wow.
People pass by and you can clearly tell they are people with people. People who have people.
Even if I do get people sometime, I will never forget what it was like to not have them. I don't think I'll ever be able to look the way the people do who pass by me---Complete confidence and feeling of stability in their eyes. I don't think I'll ever have it. Even when / if I do get what they have, I don't know if I'll be able to look the way they do.
I have an interview at a place I had an interview at last year. It's an educational setting but it's not a school. I was supposed to have met with the director two weeks ago but he had to cancel to reschedule. I forgot about it till today when his secretary called. His secretary mentioned he had been in the hospital and was eager to meet with me. Wow--someone eager to meet with me.
I'll have to wash the skirt and top I always wear.
I know I "boo-hooed" over it appearing the doors had closed in education, but I don't know that I'd be excited if I got this job. At the moment, I'd rather take an insurance ball and run with it. I never want to be where I am, now, ever again. Never Ever want to be where I am---disallusioned and broke. Never. Depending on results of a questionaire I could be working for an insurance company and making what I did before plus extra---plus extra, with commission.
I feel my heart has been ripped out and replaced with an artificial one. I have a lack of interest to do anything with education now. I would like to know what it's like to make it without a job in Education. People do it all the time and I'd like to know how. I got too comfortable in it--guaranteed paycheck and excellent benefits and retirement system.
I also want to make more than I Ever Have Before---I want MORE $$$ The insurance thing would give me the potential for that.
Something happened to me over this past year and I'm not the same person. I am just not the same.
10 years and 40 pounds ago (1998), I was bright eyed, wide eyed and naive. I was embarking on the unknown, having great faith and highest of hopes that I would be something greater than I am today.
I know I'm not like the people walking in this mall nor am I like many people. It's very apparent to me. I stand apart and I stand alone.
The welt on my finger is the size of Texas and I didn't know skin could do what it is doing. There will probalby be a scar and I will remember when and how it occured. Every scar has a story. I think a kid I worked with my first year at the Junior High, 50 miles north of me wrote a story about that, every scar having a story.
I should be open to any and every job that is do-able, not waitressing or "head-hunting" but as I said, I never want to be where I am today.
I have thought and thought what if I had met this insurance agency 7 years ago but it doesn't matter. What if, doesn't matter.
This quote is from a man who lived and died a very long time ago. "The good things in prosperity are to be wished; but the good things that belong in adversity are to be admired." From Seneca.
Not sure how to expand on that quote---I'm sure some people could say there are good things that are coming from this adversity in my life--if you asked me, I would probably have to say the awakening of the dream---to have my mother's life in film.
Cindy
Faith in the people of our future
There are some good kids in the world that are going to make great adults. Great adults.
When I worked at Frisch's there was this kid who is going to graduate this coming year. He is very sensible and a good, average kid. He was talking about the stock program one time as he was on his break and I was about to go on mine. He said, "That sounds like a good plan."
And suddenly, I feel like taking the rest of the day off, as Babe, my Cairn Terrier, has put himself in a nice napping position. He's going to take a nice afternoon nap but I can't---I must be at a mall at 4 pm with the bathtub company.
The kid from Frisch's is going to great in life. There was a girl that worked at Frisch's who wants to be a neurosurgeon. Then, today, the kid that was training me at McDs, is a junior this year in highs school, but you can tell he has a great head on his shoulders. He's already thinking about saving money---walked 5 hours to get to the restaurant as he lives about 25 miles away, is thinking about the air force, want to be a landscape designer and wants all the hours he can get at McDs. He'd like to join the 401 K thing at McDs but I'm not sure if there's an age requirment. I think there is---he's also very good at training. He's a good kid and nice. You can just tell he's going go far.
Cindy
When I worked at Frisch's there was this kid who is going to graduate this coming year. He is very sensible and a good, average kid. He was talking about the stock program one time as he was on his break and I was about to go on mine. He said, "That sounds like a good plan."
And suddenly, I feel like taking the rest of the day off, as Babe, my Cairn Terrier, has put himself in a nice napping position. He's going to take a nice afternoon nap but I can't---I must be at a mall at 4 pm with the bathtub company.
The kid from Frisch's is going to great in life. There was a girl that worked at Frisch's who wants to be a neurosurgeon. Then, today, the kid that was training me at McDs, is a junior this year in highs school, but you can tell he has a great head on his shoulders. He's already thinking about saving money---walked 5 hours to get to the restaurant as he lives about 25 miles away, is thinking about the air force, want to be a landscape designer and wants all the hours he can get at McDs. He'd like to join the 401 K thing at McDs but I'm not sure if there's an age requirment. I think there is---he's also very good at training. He's a good kid and nice. You can just tell he's going go far.
Cindy
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
My mom and what I'm doing
I'm not sure what it is about taking a bath.
I can't really remember what I was thinking.
Maybe this is part of it. I'm going to tell my kids (if I'm ever blessed enough to find a man that "gets" me) that sometimes they have to do jobs they don't like and I want them to do at least one job they don't like, and only one. Oh, how I don't like knowing how the hamburger gets fixed at McDs, anymore. I used to know and adequately forgot. I don't like knowing again. I'd rather think that they somehow were born in those wrappers all together in one piece. I had complete culture shock yesterday. Complete culture shock. There was nothing unsanitary--just culture shock.
Ooh--yuck.
I am trying to keep the Americorp program open in my mind. I have to "interview" tomorrow for an assignment--I'm just so tired of interviews. I'm going to the insurance company today. The only thing is, that with the insurance company, I do not know how I'm going to keep on going, with working at McDs until I take the insurance test. I know, I should think it's a means to an end but I am tired. I am tired and I am sick at heart. I am so sick at heart. Tired and sick of trying to move up a ladder that doesn't seem to exist. I like working for the bathroom remodeling company but can't rely only on it at the moment.
I wish I were successful, in many ways. I wish I could look in a working situation or back on a working situation and just know that RIGHT NOW, I'm all good. It's all good. I wish I wasn't sitting on my bed typing this, because something is rolling right, something is going well, I have peace of mind.
I think my mother "never breathing a word" about her loss and never telling people that she had taught has had a huge impact on my life. I think not seeing her in a career that could have ended successfully has had an impact also. In losing my job (though not the way she did) in education and being out of work a year, trying so hard over all the years to "get in," and being where I am, at the moment, has brought her struggle(s) to a forefront, for me. Memories of her and myself have been so clear, especially as I watch people at this fair. I think about being little and how she took such great care of me. How she loved taking care of me. (and I could shed tears as I write this). How she loved taking care of me.
I hope that Ellen or someone that has a copy of that DVD (which I'm thinking George Clooney and Charlie Sheen have not watched) can see how this woman loved her daughter and loved the field of education. The only time she talked about it and she had something near an honor was when she was dying. Her tribute came from "Dallas Richmond's" wife. I need to contact her but I hate to tell her about everything going on at the moment (or, better said, not going on).
I know I'm not the most special person in the world nor even special at all, but if these guys would do this for me--Tom, George, Charlie, Matthew--it would be the ultimate, universal good that could have been done for Bernice Boggs Taylor. It would be justice. Justice. Justice. Please guys, I know you all do a certain caliber of film and I'm trying to have faith that this is it.
There are quirks with it--maybe we'll have to change the names or locations and leave some things in and take some things out---I have been thinking about that---and of course, lack of a script. We have some things to work out, but I have a book and a chunk of papers that my mom wrote about her life. I think that's a good starting point.
How I loved my mother, and if love could keep people here, she would still be here today. (and I have tears welling up in my eyes now)
I had a dream last night that she was alive and she was pregnant. When she was alive, I used to dream those kind of dreams and it always embarrassed me. I never told her. Then, I dreamed my aunt was pregnant and the father was of course, older. He had white hair and a white mustache. She was probably the age she is now. How strange.
But, I must leave this here and go see my 87 year old aunt (one that is left from my father's side of the family).
Cindy
I can't really remember what I was thinking.
Maybe this is part of it. I'm going to tell my kids (if I'm ever blessed enough to find a man that "gets" me) that sometimes they have to do jobs they don't like and I want them to do at least one job they don't like, and only one. Oh, how I don't like knowing how the hamburger gets fixed at McDs, anymore. I used to know and adequately forgot. I don't like knowing again. I'd rather think that they somehow were born in those wrappers all together in one piece. I had complete culture shock yesterday. Complete culture shock. There was nothing unsanitary--just culture shock.
Ooh--yuck.
I am trying to keep the Americorp program open in my mind. I have to "interview" tomorrow for an assignment--I'm just so tired of interviews. I'm going to the insurance company today. The only thing is, that with the insurance company, I do not know how I'm going to keep on going, with working at McDs until I take the insurance test. I know, I should think it's a means to an end but I am tired. I am tired and I am sick at heart. I am so sick at heart. Tired and sick of trying to move up a ladder that doesn't seem to exist. I like working for the bathroom remodeling company but can't rely only on it at the moment.
I wish I were successful, in many ways. I wish I could look in a working situation or back on a working situation and just know that RIGHT NOW, I'm all good. It's all good. I wish I wasn't sitting on my bed typing this, because something is rolling right, something is going well, I have peace of mind.
I think my mother "never breathing a word" about her loss and never telling people that she had taught has had a huge impact on my life. I think not seeing her in a career that could have ended successfully has had an impact also. In losing my job (though not the way she did) in education and being out of work a year, trying so hard over all the years to "get in," and being where I am, at the moment, has brought her struggle(s) to a forefront, for me. Memories of her and myself have been so clear, especially as I watch people at this fair. I think about being little and how she took such great care of me. How she loved taking care of me. (and I could shed tears as I write this). How she loved taking care of me.
I hope that Ellen or someone that has a copy of that DVD (which I'm thinking George Clooney and Charlie Sheen have not watched) can see how this woman loved her daughter and loved the field of education. The only time she talked about it and she had something near an honor was when she was dying. Her tribute came from "Dallas Richmond's" wife. I need to contact her but I hate to tell her about everything going on at the moment (or, better said, not going on).
I know I'm not the most special person in the world nor even special at all, but if these guys would do this for me--Tom, George, Charlie, Matthew--it would be the ultimate, universal good that could have been done for Bernice Boggs Taylor. It would be justice. Justice. Justice. Please guys, I know you all do a certain caliber of film and I'm trying to have faith that this is it.
There are quirks with it--maybe we'll have to change the names or locations and leave some things in and take some things out---I have been thinking about that---and of course, lack of a script. We have some things to work out, but I have a book and a chunk of papers that my mom wrote about her life. I think that's a good starting point.
How I loved my mother, and if love could keep people here, she would still be here today. (and I have tears welling up in my eyes now)
I had a dream last night that she was alive and she was pregnant. When she was alive, I used to dream those kind of dreams and it always embarrassed me. I never told her. Then, I dreamed my aunt was pregnant and the father was of course, older. He had white hair and a white mustache. She was probably the age she is now. How strange.
But, I must leave this here and go see my 87 year old aunt (one that is left from my father's side of the family).
Cindy
Monday, July 28, 2008
Charlie Sheen
I feel horrible. I haven't said a lot about Charlie Sheen.
But, he has a part in this movie. I hope whoever produces/directs this doesn't mind me taking the wheel on casting.
I sent him a copy of a DVD which I sent Ellen of my mother before she died and let him know I wanted him to play someone if a movie was made. I sent George Clooney a DVD, also.
I got in the mail today, a picture of Charlie. I'm taking it as a sign, this is going to happen. Come "something" or high water, this (a movie) is going to happen.
Charlie is going to play "Dallas Richmond," a nice Assist. Superintendent. "Dallas" was my 2nd cousin's husband. He and my mom were collegues and later he became the Assist. Super. but didn't have any direct involvement with my mother being "put out" as she always said.
She was one of three people to be "put out" as she was--one guy robbed a bank (the guy being a teacher), one guy (again, a teacher) assaulted another teacher, and then, my mom was "put out." Haven't been able to figure out how she was incompetent. She didn't throw chalk at kids or curse in the classroom (and Never did outside the classroom, for that matter). Everyone I talk to and remember running into us seemed to really like her. "To a Special Teacher"---a friend said to me, "Yeah, they only give those to incompetent teachers." She, of course, was being cynical.
There were about two times we ran into people who had been former students who she said she knew did not like her. But, let it be noted, that those that liked her, became fine upstanding citizens, like lawyers, and those that did not, well, didn't become lawyers.
I think we ran into one guy one time who was in her class that last year ( 1/2 of a year) and she said he gave her problems.
I suppose there could be opposition to her greatness but there will always be "To a Special Teacher," which was given to her in 1981, not long before her being "put out."
Charlie has to play "Dallas." He would be perfect. I was thinking about his dad playing my grandfather, if things are taken back that far. I also thought about his dad playing a school official.
I talked to my uncle tonight (Matthew Perry guy), and he was nice enough. Nice. I told him all about my mom's life, if he didn't already know some things, and that I would try to keep on going till this gets done.
And I hope I haven't ruined something somewhere by being so honest all of the time.
Charlie---you have to be "Dallas"
Cindy
But, he has a part in this movie. I hope whoever produces/directs this doesn't mind me taking the wheel on casting.
I sent him a copy of a DVD which I sent Ellen of my mother before she died and let him know I wanted him to play someone if a movie was made. I sent George Clooney a DVD, also.
I got in the mail today, a picture of Charlie. I'm taking it as a sign, this is going to happen. Come "something" or high water, this (a movie) is going to happen.
Charlie is going to play "Dallas Richmond," a nice Assist. Superintendent. "Dallas" was my 2nd cousin's husband. He and my mom were collegues and later he became the Assist. Super. but didn't have any direct involvement with my mother being "put out" as she always said.
She was one of three people to be "put out" as she was--one guy robbed a bank (the guy being a teacher), one guy (again, a teacher) assaulted another teacher, and then, my mom was "put out." Haven't been able to figure out how she was incompetent. She didn't throw chalk at kids or curse in the classroom (and Never did outside the classroom, for that matter). Everyone I talk to and remember running into us seemed to really like her. "To a Special Teacher"---a friend said to me, "Yeah, they only give those to incompetent teachers." She, of course, was being cynical.
There were about two times we ran into people who had been former students who she said she knew did not like her. But, let it be noted, that those that liked her, became fine upstanding citizens, like lawyers, and those that did not, well, didn't become lawyers.
I think we ran into one guy one time who was in her class that last year ( 1/2 of a year) and she said he gave her problems.
I suppose there could be opposition to her greatness but there will always be "To a Special Teacher," which was given to her in 1981, not long before her being "put out."
Charlie has to play "Dallas." He would be perfect. I was thinking about his dad playing my grandfather, if things are taken back that far. I also thought about his dad playing a school official.
I talked to my uncle tonight (Matthew Perry guy), and he was nice enough. Nice. I told him all about my mom's life, if he didn't already know some things, and that I would try to keep on going till this gets done.
And I hope I haven't ruined something somewhere by being so honest all of the time.
Charlie---you have to be "Dallas"
Cindy
County Fairs
I really like County Fairs, at least the one I've been going to, for the bathroom remodeling company. I really enjoy it, but I wonder about the animals.
I kept hearing over a loud speaker something about recipes and cooking and went into the barn where I was hearing about the recipes and the cooking and noticed a really foul stench. There were goats and lambs everywhere, and I assumed it was something to do with lamb recipes.
I should become a vegetarian.
I petted a goat and a lamb.
I looked at the rabbits and thought about a kid 'I worked with now, well over a year ago, and how he raised rabbits to take to fairs. He loved talking about his rabbits. He and his mom gave me a small teddy bear on the last day of school that year and a nice card.
I'm going to an insurance agency tomorrow and talk about getting back into insurance. How I hate that it appears and seems I must leave the educational field. How it hurts. But, I have to go on and do whatever will offer me a future, which education does not seem to do. I have been turned down and away so many times, I'm done. I'm done. I can't do this anymore.
I saw a message on a church sign that said, "PUSH---Pray Until Something Happens," and that's what I'm going to try to do--even though this mysterious time between August of last year and May of this year made me question a lot in spirituality, I'm going to pray, until something happens. I told God I didn't understand what happened in that time, but I'm going to pray, again, until something happens.
Cindy
I kept hearing over a loud speaker something about recipes and cooking and went into the barn where I was hearing about the recipes and the cooking and noticed a really foul stench. There were goats and lambs everywhere, and I assumed it was something to do with lamb recipes.
I should become a vegetarian.
I petted a goat and a lamb.
I looked at the rabbits and thought about a kid 'I worked with now, well over a year ago, and how he raised rabbits to take to fairs. He loved talking about his rabbits. He and his mom gave me a small teddy bear on the last day of school that year and a nice card.
I'm going to an insurance agency tomorrow and talk about getting back into insurance. How I hate that it appears and seems I must leave the educational field. How it hurts. But, I have to go on and do whatever will offer me a future, which education does not seem to do. I have been turned down and away so many times, I'm done. I'm done. I can't do this anymore.
I saw a message on a church sign that said, "PUSH---Pray Until Something Happens," and that's what I'm going to try to do--even though this mysterious time between August of last year and May of this year made me question a lot in spirituality, I'm going to pray, until something happens. I told God I didn't understand what happened in that time, but I'm going to pray, again, until something happens.
Cindy
Today at McDs and such
I went into McDs today to work for the first time and I could have thrown up and screamed. One right after the other.
I think it is worse than the restaurant waitressing job. I think it is.
I wondered why I got a degree in psychology and why I didn't try more at math. I wondered. No one ever thinks anything is going to be as difficult as it is.
I had to stand by the woman frying the meat and then I had to try. I kept getting the order in how you stack the patties wrong in getting them on the spatula and then into the plastic thing where they are kept when they go in the heating thing---oh, yuck. yuck, yuck, yuck.
Oh, yuck.
Not that I'm any better than anyone (as I feel like I'm akin to something on the bottom of shoes now) but I thought, I put too much thought into things to be here, doing this. I'm slow but I try to think (obviously, though, not well enough, since I'm here--in this position).
I've worked before at McDs---but before, there was something to work toward---and I am not sure what I'm working toward now--except maybe a career in insurance again--but I was thinking a lot about how I thought I was going into education the last time. I was thinking a lot about that. Feeling like a "flop" doesn't even begin to "cut it." I kept trying to think about my former math teacher from high school, whom my mom knew, and think I had the best of intentions. I just tried to think about her.
I was at a County fair yesterday with the bathroom remodeling company and I met another guy from the Primerica company. He was interested in an estimate and when I asked the best time to call, he said he was in sales, also. I asked what company and he said Primerica.
I was stationed beside a guy from another insurance company and he said they were hiring and paid a weekly amount, which I could so live from and I'm sure that fades away when you get business (frankly, I'm not sure how that works but I doubt it is a constant thing).
I have done little but wonder how people get into what they are into and how they "Make It." I met a guy who seems to have built a house 8 years ago but his grammar wasn't that great. I wondered what he did--
I'm going to meet with the insurance company tomorrow--the company next to where I was stationed, which pays a weekly amount, but let me say, I have so many mixed feelings about leaving the educational field. I feel rejected, dejected, and like I'm swallowing a bitter pill by leaving it, as I may be. I don't think anyone anywhere in it, near by, has any interest in having me, so--there is a loss in this. There is a loss. My heart was there for so long and for so long I thought it would be the rest of my working years.
I can't describe it any better.
If I somehow get out of this rut I'm in through this insurance company, my uncle (who Matthew Perry needs to play) will still see me as having failed. He'll still see me that way and the only way I could have avoided where I am would to have been to live with him and his then, congnizant, healthy wife (whom he divorced after her dibilitating stroke and married another woman who helped him take care of her).
Yeah, to him, I failed. I ran with the ball and dropped it.
But, I'm going to go pick up my aunt and take her to the store to get some things and then probably go back to the fair, which I want to discuss later (the fair that is).
Don't want to forget saying I got a Pic. of Charlie Sheen after sending him a note in the spring and letting him know I wanted him to play the nice assist. Superintendent. It's going to happen.
It's going to happen. This all has to happen.
Cindy
I think it is worse than the restaurant waitressing job. I think it is.
I wondered why I got a degree in psychology and why I didn't try more at math. I wondered. No one ever thinks anything is going to be as difficult as it is.
I had to stand by the woman frying the meat and then I had to try. I kept getting the order in how you stack the patties wrong in getting them on the spatula and then into the plastic thing where they are kept when they go in the heating thing---oh, yuck. yuck, yuck, yuck.
Oh, yuck.
Not that I'm any better than anyone (as I feel like I'm akin to something on the bottom of shoes now) but I thought, I put too much thought into things to be here, doing this. I'm slow but I try to think (obviously, though, not well enough, since I'm here--in this position).
I've worked before at McDs---but before, there was something to work toward---and I am not sure what I'm working toward now--except maybe a career in insurance again--but I was thinking a lot about how I thought I was going into education the last time. I was thinking a lot about that. Feeling like a "flop" doesn't even begin to "cut it." I kept trying to think about my former math teacher from high school, whom my mom knew, and think I had the best of intentions. I just tried to think about her.
I was at a County fair yesterday with the bathroom remodeling company and I met another guy from the Primerica company. He was interested in an estimate and when I asked the best time to call, he said he was in sales, also. I asked what company and he said Primerica.
I was stationed beside a guy from another insurance company and he said they were hiring and paid a weekly amount, which I could so live from and I'm sure that fades away when you get business (frankly, I'm not sure how that works but I doubt it is a constant thing).
I have done little but wonder how people get into what they are into and how they "Make It." I met a guy who seems to have built a house 8 years ago but his grammar wasn't that great. I wondered what he did--
I'm going to meet with the insurance company tomorrow--the company next to where I was stationed, which pays a weekly amount, but let me say, I have so many mixed feelings about leaving the educational field. I feel rejected, dejected, and like I'm swallowing a bitter pill by leaving it, as I may be. I don't think anyone anywhere in it, near by, has any interest in having me, so--there is a loss in this. There is a loss. My heart was there for so long and for so long I thought it would be the rest of my working years.
I can't describe it any better.
If I somehow get out of this rut I'm in through this insurance company, my uncle (who Matthew Perry needs to play) will still see me as having failed. He'll still see me that way and the only way I could have avoided where I am would to have been to live with him and his then, congnizant, healthy wife (whom he divorced after her dibilitating stroke and married another woman who helped him take care of her).
Yeah, to him, I failed. I ran with the ball and dropped it.
But, I'm going to go pick up my aunt and take her to the store to get some things and then probably go back to the fair, which I want to discuss later (the fair that is).
Don't want to forget saying I got a Pic. of Charlie Sheen after sending him a note in the spring and letting him know I wanted him to play the nice assist. Superintendent. It's going to happen.
It's going to happen. This all has to happen.
Cindy
Sunday, July 27, 2008
More on what my Uncle thinks
For some reason, taking a bath brings things to mind. I know Tolie, (I know mis-spelled his name), who has been on Oprah says he rarely thinks about the past. It's like the first line in one of his books.
Last night I wanted to walk up to Mr. Tom Hanks guy and tell him a movie about my mom was going to be made and Tom Hanks was going to play him but I couldn't. I also wanted to tell him I became an educator and had a great position with a great district but I couldn't do that either.
The girl I was with at the event, with the bathtub remodeling company, thought a movie was really going to be made and Tom and George were going to be in it. She asked if it was a "done deal" of sorts and I said, "oh, no, not yet but I'm working on it."
Yeah, it galls me to the core that my uncle thinks he could have made sure what is happening to me right now didn't---he probably thinks I could have $1,000,000 by now if he had had more to do with it. He probably would have steered me away from the educational field and I don't know what he'd have me doing. Not sure. I wonder if would be stock-broking.
I spent 7 years of my life working on this---7 years---I started in 2001, and somewhere along the line I should have been doing something different. I know, I should have been working at a restaurant but you look at the pay scales and you think, "If I can just get a job here I'll be Ok. Not rolling in the dough but I'll be ok. I can use some of the savings now because I'll be Ok." Darn myself. I helped some good kids for 3 years and one before that. I think I have always helped a kid or two or if I'm lucky, more---More---I helped and now I'm broker than broke can be--I probably should have stayed with AFLAC---I like the manager I was with and it's a great company. I walked into it though with eyes wide open, and I thought it was a great job for after college. I had one account--the City of which I live---and that was all---and I thought I needed something that paid by the hour, so I chose to work at a bank. My uncle has never let that go, either---"but they were paying you," he said. But I cried before I went in every morning. I hated it. Hated, Hated it. Knew I should be working in a school even if it was in the cafeteria, so after "temping" for about 6 months in offices, I thought Education would be my stablizer. It would be it. It would be where I needed to be in spite of the past. Started it in 2001 and should have done something different along the way---I'm trying not to say I shouldn't have done it.
Someone who is a great friend said it would be Ok for me to say I shouldn't have done it for the sake of self-preservation.
7 years I gave to this and here I am---SO VERY BROKE. Broke!!!
7 years and I could still have my savings and be half a millionaire by now.
I lived on thinking it would be ok tomorrow and ten years down the road. I saw nothing but success.
My uncle has even thrown in my face, in the past, once, that my book didn't work out.
I thought I would physically die or shrivel up when my mom died. When the doctor called and said it was in her liver, I paced the house. I held my hands in praying position and paced the house and said, "oh God." I paced the house. I knew it meant the end. I knew---I knew---I always knew that if it was in the liver, the physicality of a person would be over. I knew it. I knew that snuffed out a life. But, somehow, I picked up and lived through it and when she died, somehow, after days of denial and doing everything I could to push away the reality of it happening, I accepted it. I led my aunt out of the room and it was ok. It was ok.
It was ok.
And here I am---alive---years later but I'm not sure what for---dogs and some cats. And my aunt but she could live in Louisville with her daughter. I'm not sure where I'm going to meet that man my mom talked about (in the video I made she said she had no doubt I would have a nice husband and nice children). She said she had no doubt and I am almost crying as I write this. "I have no doubt," she said. I didn't either for awhile.
My clock radio gets in between two stations sometimes. There's a country station playing, "Keeper of the Stars," "It was no accident, me finding you,,,Someone had a hand in it long before we ever knew." I'm 34 and the kids that were kids when I had become an adult or later are now married, getting married, and having kids. And I'm 34. I wanted to be younger than my mom was when I got married. I thought for sure that would happen but here I am 34 and pushing that age.
And not be trite after writing what I did before, but movies don't always show something like what I described. Maybe there is one but I haven't seen it (or maybe I didn't want to), There's a movie I did let myself see about a mom having cancer and it was with Susan Saranden (One True Thing?)
God----let me find a way, my way.
Cindy
Last night I wanted to walk up to Mr. Tom Hanks guy and tell him a movie about my mom was going to be made and Tom Hanks was going to play him but I couldn't. I also wanted to tell him I became an educator and had a great position with a great district but I couldn't do that either.
The girl I was with at the event, with the bathtub remodeling company, thought a movie was really going to be made and Tom and George were going to be in it. She asked if it was a "done deal" of sorts and I said, "oh, no, not yet but I'm working on it."
Yeah, it galls me to the core that my uncle thinks he could have made sure what is happening to me right now didn't---he probably thinks I could have $1,000,000 by now if he had had more to do with it. He probably would have steered me away from the educational field and I don't know what he'd have me doing. Not sure. I wonder if would be stock-broking.
I spent 7 years of my life working on this---7 years---I started in 2001, and somewhere along the line I should have been doing something different. I know, I should have been working at a restaurant but you look at the pay scales and you think, "If I can just get a job here I'll be Ok. Not rolling in the dough but I'll be ok. I can use some of the savings now because I'll be Ok." Darn myself. I helped some good kids for 3 years and one before that. I think I have always helped a kid or two or if I'm lucky, more---More---I helped and now I'm broker than broke can be--I probably should have stayed with AFLAC---I like the manager I was with and it's a great company. I walked into it though with eyes wide open, and I thought it was a great job for after college. I had one account--the City of which I live---and that was all---and I thought I needed something that paid by the hour, so I chose to work at a bank. My uncle has never let that go, either---"but they were paying you," he said. But I cried before I went in every morning. I hated it. Hated, Hated it. Knew I should be working in a school even if it was in the cafeteria, so after "temping" for about 6 months in offices, I thought Education would be my stablizer. It would be it. It would be where I needed to be in spite of the past. Started it in 2001 and should have done something different along the way---I'm trying not to say I shouldn't have done it.
Someone who is a great friend said it would be Ok for me to say I shouldn't have done it for the sake of self-preservation.
7 years I gave to this and here I am---SO VERY BROKE. Broke!!!
7 years and I could still have my savings and be half a millionaire by now.
I lived on thinking it would be ok tomorrow and ten years down the road. I saw nothing but success.
My uncle has even thrown in my face, in the past, once, that my book didn't work out.
I thought I would physically die or shrivel up when my mom died. When the doctor called and said it was in her liver, I paced the house. I held my hands in praying position and paced the house and said, "oh God." I paced the house. I knew it meant the end. I knew---I knew---I always knew that if it was in the liver, the physicality of a person would be over. I knew it. I knew that snuffed out a life. But, somehow, I picked up and lived through it and when she died, somehow, after days of denial and doing everything I could to push away the reality of it happening, I accepted it. I led my aunt out of the room and it was ok. It was ok.
It was ok.
And here I am---alive---years later but I'm not sure what for---dogs and some cats. And my aunt but she could live in Louisville with her daughter. I'm not sure where I'm going to meet that man my mom talked about (in the video I made she said she had no doubt I would have a nice husband and nice children). She said she had no doubt and I am almost crying as I write this. "I have no doubt," she said. I didn't either for awhile.
My clock radio gets in between two stations sometimes. There's a country station playing, "Keeper of the Stars," "It was no accident, me finding you,,,Someone had a hand in it long before we ever knew." I'm 34 and the kids that were kids when I had become an adult or later are now married, getting married, and having kids. And I'm 34. I wanted to be younger than my mom was when I got married. I thought for sure that would happen but here I am 34 and pushing that age.
And not be trite after writing what I did before, but movies don't always show something like what I described. Maybe there is one but I haven't seen it (or maybe I didn't want to), There's a movie I did let myself see about a mom having cancer and it was with Susan Saranden (One True Thing?)
God----let me find a way, my way.
Cindy
Saturday, July 26, 2008
What my uncle thinks
I'm totally into quotes at the moment. Thought much about Randy Pausch and his quotes this evening. I thought immensely about them--"Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want," and the one about brick walls and there being a reason for them: to prove how badly we want something. Thought and thought and thought about him, and those quotes.
Thought and thought.
"Our past does not define us... What defines us is how well we rise after falling "~ unknown
My uncle thinks and has thought, forever, that I should have moved in with him after my mom died---I probably would have if I hadn't had my dog---my dog could not have come and he probably would have had me sell everything I had ever known. He thinks that is the reason I'm where I am----I didn't move in with him.
Wish someone would tell him that wouldn't have worked.
Brick walls and experience.
I guess he thinks he would have steered me in some other direction than education. I guess he thinks he would have steered me in the correct direction. How it galls me that he thinks he was right and that he thinks I proved him right.
Galls me.
Thought and thought.
"Our past does not define us... What defines us is how well we rise after falling "~ unknown
My uncle thinks and has thought, forever, that I should have moved in with him after my mom died---I probably would have if I hadn't had my dog---my dog could not have come and he probably would have had me sell everything I had ever known. He thinks that is the reason I'm where I am----I didn't move in with him.
Wish someone would tell him that wouldn't have worked.
Brick walls and experience.
I guess he thinks he would have steered me in some other direction than education. I guess he thinks he would have steered me in the correct direction. How it galls me that he thinks he was right and that he thinks I proved him right.
Galls me.
On Running into Mr. TOM HANKS guy
"All the gold--in California--is in a bank in the middle of Beverly Hills, in somebody else's name, so if you're dreamin' about California, it don't matter at all where you played before, California's a brand new game," I think that last word is 'game." Gatlain Brothers. Love them. Love classic country. There's a station here called 97.3, I think, and they play classic country. Love it.
I worked tonight at my new job (one of them; I start McD's Monday and have given up Frisch's family restaurant). It is with a company that remodels bathtubs and showers. We were at a site at the Fraze, an outdoor concert and park area. I was with a young girl who's going into Criminal Justice. She's going to be a private investigator. I almost told her not to go into education; I used to tell everyone to go into it; I'm not at the moment.
We were sitting outside this trailer of sorts that had bathtubs and showers in it. Who did I see walking past me but Mr. Tom Hanks guy--Couldn't believe it. Mr. Hot and Cold/Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde last week and now Mr. Tom Hanks guy. I haven't cast Mr. Hot and Cold/Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde. Will Smith ran across my mind--and there were no African Americans in the whole affair. That would really trip people up on the identities.
He walked past me and looked at me but I am not sure if he knew who I was---I lean toward doubting that he knew.
I used to walk past him every day for 3 years---and sometimes he put his head down and I went in and talked to him on the 8th anniversery of my mom being "put out," as she always said--"put out." I told him all she ever wanted was to be a teacher and read "to a special teacher" to him. I DID--I did indeed. Sophomore in high school.
When I substituted for absent teachers in the district some years ago, he woud put his head down when he saw me. How I wish he could have always had head up and looked at me with joy. How I wish.
I don't know how I'm going to become the guy in The Pursuit of Happyness. I wondered that on the way home and wonder that all the time. I have ___________ and then _____ and then__________ time to my life---one stint of working a job I don't care for and then a couple hours to myself and then a job where I don't (I hate to say don't care about)---don't know the future of.
I applied with ATandT last night, online. Took their little 81 question personality test.
I am thinking about sending my resume to someone at the Dayton Daily News who always has openings in the paper for sales.
This is not the way I wanted my life to be and it was everything I could do to keep from telling the young girl working along side me that same thing. My mother never breathed a word about her loss and hear I am, breathing it All the Time to anyone that will listen. I feel like the old man in the poem, Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner. I think he told that dastardly tale to anyone that passed by him while he sat on a park bench.
Going to take my aunt out to eat now.
Cindy
I worked tonight at my new job (one of them; I start McD's Monday and have given up Frisch's family restaurant). It is with a company that remodels bathtubs and showers. We were at a site at the Fraze, an outdoor concert and park area. I was with a young girl who's going into Criminal Justice. She's going to be a private investigator. I almost told her not to go into education; I used to tell everyone to go into it; I'm not at the moment.
We were sitting outside this trailer of sorts that had bathtubs and showers in it. Who did I see walking past me but Mr. Tom Hanks guy--Couldn't believe it. Mr. Hot and Cold/Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde last week and now Mr. Tom Hanks guy. I haven't cast Mr. Hot and Cold/Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde. Will Smith ran across my mind--and there were no African Americans in the whole affair. That would really trip people up on the identities.
He walked past me and looked at me but I am not sure if he knew who I was---I lean toward doubting that he knew.
I used to walk past him every day for 3 years---and sometimes he put his head down and I went in and talked to him on the 8th anniversery of my mom being "put out," as she always said--"put out." I told him all she ever wanted was to be a teacher and read "to a special teacher" to him. I DID--I did indeed. Sophomore in high school.
When I substituted for absent teachers in the district some years ago, he woud put his head down when he saw me. How I wish he could have always had head up and looked at me with joy. How I wish.
I don't know how I'm going to become the guy in The Pursuit of Happyness. I wondered that on the way home and wonder that all the time. I have ___________ and then _____ and then__________ time to my life---one stint of working a job I don't care for and then a couple hours to myself and then a job where I don't (I hate to say don't care about)---don't know the future of.
I applied with ATandT last night, online. Took their little 81 question personality test.
I am thinking about sending my resume to someone at the Dayton Daily News who always has openings in the paper for sales.
This is not the way I wanted my life to be and it was everything I could do to keep from telling the young girl working along side me that same thing. My mother never breathed a word about her loss and hear I am, breathing it All the Time to anyone that will listen. I feel like the old man in the poem, Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner. I think he told that dastardly tale to anyone that passed by him while he sat on a park bench.
Going to take my aunt out to eat now.
Cindy
This View thing on the site says I've had 60 people view my profile. I hope I've had that many view the blog.
I know I'm like 10 of those. It counts even when you look at your own profile.
I'm a Google account peson and at the bottom of the Search bar it says, "in Memoriam: Randy Pausch" I wondered who he was and actually he was someone who ran across my mind not too long ago. I wondered about him. He was on Oprah and quite a few shows. I didn't watch a lot of his appearances but I knew what he was talking about and what he was about in general. It was too compelling for me to watch, too beautiful and too sad to watch a lot of it---I think to say he lived like he was dying, though, would not be correct. To me, it always appeared he lived like he was living. I think that was his whole point.
He must have died today or yesterday. He was a professor at Carnegie Mellon.
I am completely touched by his life. It makes me tearful. I bet Oprah cried when she found out he died, and I wouldn't be surprised if Ellen cried.
He had a resemblence of my uncle.
When you click on the In Memoriam it takes you to YouTube and it has his video there. I can't listen because this computer's sound system has been knocked out, but there are powerpoint slides. He said, "Brick walls are there for a reason: they let us prove how badly we want things. " "Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted," he said.
I know those brick walls, and I know how badly I wanted to be a part of the educational system. The educational system was my brick wall, and today, I have lost most of my will and desire to be in it. I feel it offers me nothing. Closed doors. I can't even see myself substituting, even though I need to, to get in some more time with the Retirement System. My other brick wall is this movie--being seen--heard--known--I want it badly but it definately is a brick wall. I went to Waffle House with my aunt today (unless otherwise noted, my mom's sister who had TIAs back in 2002) and while there, I was thinking about experience, in the way that Randy mentioned. If I could go back to some things, I would have never said what I said and I never will again. I never will again, say that I "guess" someone was the love of my life when I'm sitting in front of a man who could very well be--if asked by him, with eyebrows raised and a low, deep voice.
I was feeling completely wasted in life while eating my eggs, grits and toast and drinking coffee. I was Regretting things in my past, thinking that if I could just go back and not say one or two things, things might be different. Regretting my psychology degree. She acknowledged my utter dis-taste and feeling of hopelessness in working two jobs that she said went "nowhere."
I am trying my utmost best to think that maybe something positive will come out of one of these two part time jobs---that maybe something, somehow positive will happen, since and even though things look so absolutely mirky. I keep trying. I used to be one with Hope and Faith. I was the highest Hoper in the world. And here I am---Here I am.
Thought about my mom and my dad---my dad especially and a time that is shown in my book, thought about Trying to finish those first four years of college and a conversation with my half sister about my father, (our) father.
My mother lived the IF poem, by Rudyard Kipling and I can't feel nor see myself as strong as she was or as wonderous as she was, yet I have have had to live through things that I would so not have rather lived through--and it took strength for me to live through them. I know it took strength to live through what I have.
A friend said quite awhile ago that I'm too young for memoir---I do hope things get better and that there are going to be great things to add. I do have so much to give in so many ways and to so many people.
I have a dream, less than that of Martin Luther King, yet a dream.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo the Randy Pausch YouTube address
Cindy
I know I'm like 10 of those. It counts even when you look at your own profile.
I'm a Google account peson and at the bottom of the Search bar it says, "in Memoriam: Randy Pausch" I wondered who he was and actually he was someone who ran across my mind not too long ago. I wondered about him. He was on Oprah and quite a few shows. I didn't watch a lot of his appearances but I knew what he was talking about and what he was about in general. It was too compelling for me to watch, too beautiful and too sad to watch a lot of it---I think to say he lived like he was dying, though, would not be correct. To me, it always appeared he lived like he was living. I think that was his whole point.
He must have died today or yesterday. He was a professor at Carnegie Mellon.
I am completely touched by his life. It makes me tearful. I bet Oprah cried when she found out he died, and I wouldn't be surprised if Ellen cried.
He had a resemblence of my uncle.
When you click on the In Memoriam it takes you to YouTube and it has his video there. I can't listen because this computer's sound system has been knocked out, but there are powerpoint slides. He said, "Brick walls are there for a reason: they let us prove how badly we want things. " "Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted," he said.
I know those brick walls, and I know how badly I wanted to be a part of the educational system. The educational system was my brick wall, and today, I have lost most of my will and desire to be in it. I feel it offers me nothing. Closed doors. I can't even see myself substituting, even though I need to, to get in some more time with the Retirement System. My other brick wall is this movie--being seen--heard--known--I want it badly but it definately is a brick wall. I went to Waffle House with my aunt today (unless otherwise noted, my mom's sister who had TIAs back in 2002) and while there, I was thinking about experience, in the way that Randy mentioned. If I could go back to some things, I would have never said what I said and I never will again. I never will again, say that I "guess" someone was the love of my life when I'm sitting in front of a man who could very well be--if asked by him, with eyebrows raised and a low, deep voice.
I was feeling completely wasted in life while eating my eggs, grits and toast and drinking coffee. I was Regretting things in my past, thinking that if I could just go back and not say one or two things, things might be different. Regretting my psychology degree. She acknowledged my utter dis-taste and feeling of hopelessness in working two jobs that she said went "nowhere."
I am trying my utmost best to think that maybe something positive will come out of one of these two part time jobs---that maybe something, somehow positive will happen, since and even though things look so absolutely mirky. I keep trying. I used to be one with Hope and Faith. I was the highest Hoper in the world. And here I am---Here I am.
Thought about my mom and my dad---my dad especially and a time that is shown in my book, thought about Trying to finish those first four years of college and a conversation with my half sister about my father, (our) father.
My mother lived the IF poem, by Rudyard Kipling and I can't feel nor see myself as strong as she was or as wonderous as she was, yet I have have had to live through things that I would so not have rather lived through--and it took strength for me to live through them. I know it took strength to live through what I have.
A friend said quite awhile ago that I'm too young for memoir---I do hope things get better and that there are going to be great things to add. I do have so much to give in so many ways and to so many people.
I have a dream, less than that of Martin Luther King, yet a dream.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo the Randy Pausch YouTube address
Cindy
Friday, July 25, 2008
Just Read On Ellen's Site
I just read a lot of the posts on Ellen's site about the man who is 70 and learned to read and a house being built for him. Two people said they were going into education---I won't post something in response, like "Don't do it. Don't do it. You won't be able to get a job!" I will refrain. I hope they get a job in education. I really do--I hope things are different where they are and if they really wanted a job they wouldn't have to move. I probably could get one if I moved but that's out of the question.
There are reasons I don't want to move and can't move.
I shouldn't have to.
I wish those people well but they seem so naive, like I was, when I started out.
Cindy
There are reasons I don't want to move and can't move.
I shouldn't have to.
I wish those people well but they seem so naive, like I was, when I started out.
Cindy
Last night at the Restaurant
It was my last night at the restaurant. I thought about how I'm probably making an a_ _ of myself, "Talking all the time" about my situation. I thought I would be happy though. I am going to try to be happy.
There are some good kids there---one guy, you know he's not going to be working at Frisch's the rest of his life. A girl is still in high school and wants to be a neurosurgeon.
I am going to be working with the bathroom remodeling company from now on and picking up McDonald's for the mornings.
62 hours I must work to bring in what I was bringing in before. $1600 a month.
I'm just not the same person I was---I'm trying to think of anything I can do outside of education to reach my goal of $2,000 a month or more. I know how it's done---it just doesn't feel I can do it. I have no idea how to get my network marketing biz off the ground--people I've talked to want to say, "Oh, that's too expensive," and I know it is expensive. I was thinking some time ago about trying to get people that don't have to look at price tags to do it, but that didn't work out either. Insurance---I don't feel like sitting in the classes and taking the darn test again. (insurance--what I tried to do from 1998-2000) The only thing would be the network marketing biz which you don't have to have a license to do. You just do it.
That would get me out this. That would get me out of this hell.
If I could make a gazillion a month, I would help people. It is my goal to help people who are where I'm at right now. I'd pay off their mortgages. After getting my movie made, that's what I want to do. I want to make thousands upon thousands a month. And I'd especially help people who had pets. It's terrible to fear losing them. Terrible.
I'm tired of interviews. Tired of them. TIRED of trying to sit for 15-20 minutes and tell people about myself and in some way have to prove to them in those minutes that I'm good enough for them to hire, in any position. TIRED of it. Just tired. Tired of being on the firing line---given questions that, I hate to say it, mean less to me now than they did then. So many questions I've been asked have nothing to do with my Intervention Specialist work. Then, I was asked questions about things I haven't had experience with, at a recent interview. It's not my fault I don't know about "such and such." It's never been my fault I haven't known about the "such and such's" I've been asked about---where I was before, they didn't have "such and such."
Oh well--I have got to find a way to bring in as much as or more than $2,000 a month before November. I'll be 35 in November and my life has got to get somewhere.
Cindy
There are some good kids there---one guy, you know he's not going to be working at Frisch's the rest of his life. A girl is still in high school and wants to be a neurosurgeon.
I am going to be working with the bathroom remodeling company from now on and picking up McDonald's for the mornings.
62 hours I must work to bring in what I was bringing in before. $1600 a month.
I'm just not the same person I was---I'm trying to think of anything I can do outside of education to reach my goal of $2,000 a month or more. I know how it's done---it just doesn't feel I can do it. I have no idea how to get my network marketing biz off the ground--people I've talked to want to say, "Oh, that's too expensive," and I know it is expensive. I was thinking some time ago about trying to get people that don't have to look at price tags to do it, but that didn't work out either. Insurance---I don't feel like sitting in the classes and taking the darn test again. (insurance--what I tried to do from 1998-2000) The only thing would be the network marketing biz which you don't have to have a license to do. You just do it.
That would get me out this. That would get me out of this hell.
If I could make a gazillion a month, I would help people. It is my goal to help people who are where I'm at right now. I'd pay off their mortgages. After getting my movie made, that's what I want to do. I want to make thousands upon thousands a month. And I'd especially help people who had pets. It's terrible to fear losing them. Terrible.
I'm tired of interviews. Tired of them. TIRED of trying to sit for 15-20 minutes and tell people about myself and in some way have to prove to them in those minutes that I'm good enough for them to hire, in any position. TIRED of it. Just tired. Tired of being on the firing line---given questions that, I hate to say it, mean less to me now than they did then. So many questions I've been asked have nothing to do with my Intervention Specialist work. Then, I was asked questions about things I haven't had experience with, at a recent interview. It's not my fault I don't know about "such and such." It's never been my fault I haven't known about the "such and such's" I've been asked about---where I was before, they didn't have "such and such."
Oh well--I have got to find a way to bring in as much as or more than $2,000 a month before November. I'll be 35 in November and my life has got to get somewhere.
Cindy
Reject letter
Here's a Reject letter. I supposed it was so since I hadn't heard anything.
I'm definately not the average person at the moment.
"Dear Ms. Taylor,
Thank you for your interest in the position of Intervention Specialist at _____________. Your skills and background should serve you well in your future. Unfortunately, we aren't able to make full use of your abilities at this time, but we will keep your resume on file and active for six months.
Sincerely,
__________"
Yeah---no surprise. No surprise whatsoever. I hadn't even really interviewed with him.
Cindy
I'm definately not the average person at the moment.
"Dear Ms. Taylor,
Thank you for your interest in the position of Intervention Specialist at _____________. Your skills and background should serve you well in your future. Unfortunately, we aren't able to make full use of your abilities at this time, but we will keep your resume on file and active for six months.
Sincerely,
__________"
Yeah---no surprise. No surprise whatsoever. I hadn't even really interviewed with him.
Cindy
valuable conversation
I had a conversation with someone who knew my mom--another teacher. She's been "there" for me along with another teacher--both whom I had in high school. She and this other teacher are friends.
She told me today that I'm allowed to be happy--even though I am in the state I'm in--I'm allowed to be happy.
She told me she knew I didn't intend on any of this happening--that I didn't gamble, I didn't do drugs, I didn't drink alcohol, I didn't do anything to intentionally get me where I am. "Don't go off and buy houses and boats," my mother always said. I did none of those things. I thought that I was doing the right thing. I did my best. She said, "The best is all we can ever do."
She told me to not feel I had done my mother a dis-service.
She said my mother loved me and she did everything she did because she loved me and to not feel guilty about my mother saving money for me.
I want, by the time I'm 35, to have some light at in this long, dark tunnel. I turn 35 in November.
She gave me hug.
Her daughter was diagnosed with cancer the year her daughter began college at Ohio State. She talked about her daughter went to her room and cried after hearing the news and then her friends came over and they laughed and talked and that was the only time her daughter cried.
Her daughter is Ok now. Lori is a very feeling sort of person and she said she wasn't making up what she said about what I've done in my life.
She said that things are better for me than they were in May--and they are--she is very inspirational.
Cindy
She told me today that I'm allowed to be happy--even though I am in the state I'm in--I'm allowed to be happy.
She told me she knew I didn't intend on any of this happening--that I didn't gamble, I didn't do drugs, I didn't drink alcohol, I didn't do anything to intentionally get me where I am. "Don't go off and buy houses and boats," my mother always said. I did none of those things. I thought that I was doing the right thing. I did my best. She said, "The best is all we can ever do."
She told me to not feel I had done my mother a dis-service.
She said my mother loved me and she did everything she did because she loved me and to not feel guilty about my mother saving money for me.
I want, by the time I'm 35, to have some light at in this long, dark tunnel. I turn 35 in November.
She gave me hug.
Her daughter was diagnosed with cancer the year her daughter began college at Ohio State. She talked about her daughter went to her room and cried after hearing the news and then her friends came over and they laughed and talked and that was the only time her daughter cried.
Her daughter is Ok now. Lori is a very feeling sort of person and she said she wasn't making up what she said about what I've done in my life.
She said that things are better for me than they were in May--and they are--she is very inspirational.
Cindy
Getting out of where I am
Book--movie--dream--purpose
But, in any other way, I don't know how I'm going to get out of where I am.
I don't like this, being 34 and having fallen flat on my face. I am 34 and have never made more than $2,000 a month, and by the time I'm 35 (November), I'd like that to happen. But how?
I don't like this at all.
I consider the two part time jobs and don't know how I'm supposed to get out of this.
I know people have been in really awful spots, and I read the story about the man that the movie, The Pursuit of Happyness, was made. Wow. It is very, very inspiring. I don't know though what's going to happen in my life---I have to work these two part time jobs and can't sit in classes to get my insurance license. Insurance is the only way I can think of right now to have the potential to make something. Before I got out of bed, I was thinking about how comfortable I was in a school setting.
I'm worn. I'm worn out.
Two part time jobs to make what I used to make--60 hours a week.
I'm waiting on the Americorp program to have something to place me in--I have to keep interviewing with them, and then I'll still have to work a part time job.
I'm at the end of a rope but I have to keep hanging on.
Cindy
But, in any other way, I don't know how I'm going to get out of where I am.
I don't like this, being 34 and having fallen flat on my face. I am 34 and have never made more than $2,000 a month, and by the time I'm 35 (November), I'd like that to happen. But how?
I don't like this at all.
I consider the two part time jobs and don't know how I'm supposed to get out of this.
I know people have been in really awful spots, and I read the story about the man that the movie, The Pursuit of Happyness, was made. Wow. It is very, very inspiring. I don't know though what's going to happen in my life---I have to work these two part time jobs and can't sit in classes to get my insurance license. Insurance is the only way I can think of right now to have the potential to make something. Before I got out of bed, I was thinking about how comfortable I was in a school setting.
I'm worn. I'm worn out.
Two part time jobs to make what I used to make--60 hours a week.
I'm waiting on the Americorp program to have something to place me in--I have to keep interviewing with them, and then I'll still have to work a part time job.
I'm at the end of a rope but I have to keep hanging on.
Cindy
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Good Name
"Good name in man and woman, dear my lord, Is the immediate jewel of their souls: Who steals my purse steals trash; 'tis something, nothing; 'Twas mine, 'tis his, and has been slave to thousands; But he that filches from me my good name Robs me of that which not enriches him And makes me poor indeed.
William Shakespeare, "Othello
That was what my mother lost, also, in her termination, after 25 years of teaching. I had to memorize that in high school and I know I thought about her, when I had to memorize it.
My English teacher was wonderful, but she was friends with one or two people involved with what happened to my mom--either directly or indirectly. She had a listening ear, as did several of my teachers, when my mother was ill. ( I had begged my mother to let me go back to the school district, as she had put me in a Christian school the year following her ordeal ) It was never directly discussed what happened to my mother.
Cindy
William Shakespeare, "Othello
That was what my mother lost, also, in her termination, after 25 years of teaching. I had to memorize that in high school and I know I thought about her, when I had to memorize it.
My English teacher was wonderful, but she was friends with one or two people involved with what happened to my mom--either directly or indirectly. She had a listening ear, as did several of my teachers, when my mother was ill. ( I had begged my mother to let me go back to the school district, as she had put me in a Christian school the year following her ordeal ) It was never directly discussed what happened to my mother.
Cindy
the new part time job tonight
I did the new part time job tonight where I work in a mall trying to get people to get interested in remodeling their bath tub or shower.
Not bad--I didn't hand out any cards though.
I found myself entirely frustrated with my state in life. Added up hours and multiplied by $ 7.
I'm not sure how I did this---I know I spent 7 years thinking that I would make things up after I climbed the pay scale ladder of education. I had the highest of hopes and now I have nothing. There is money in insurance and sales--but I'm at a point I don't want to have to sit in insurance classes and then---I don't know. There is no guarntee in insurance and sales. There is no gurantee in life. I just am worn out. I am absolutely worn. I'm tired and I'm spent. I'm well spent.
But somehow, there are people who have become successful, make over $100,000 a year, and some of them are in insurance and sales.
I will have to work 60 hours a week to make $1600 a month. I've never made over $2,000 a month, I realized, and I'm 34.
Thought I'd be doing it by now and in education but no. no. no.
I called a friend who knows what's going on and she asked how I was. I said I could be better. She asked what was wrong---if something happened---SHE KNOWS what is going on---what has happened is that Nothing has happened.
That is what is wrong. Nothing is what is wrong. She thinks that having my animals is keeping me from things--like government housing. I said I had a degree and almost a Masters degree--I don't need to be in government housing.
Two people from the same business came up to me--two people from Primerica--a subsideary of Citibank. I got to vent about being an unemployed special education teacher and being broke. I vented.
I am so talented--and I so have to get over that Stephen Crane quote about existing. I am so very talented---Ellen DeGeneres, I am so very talented. I have a heart. I have such a heart. If I could get paid for what is in my heart--but I can't. I can't get paid just because I love animals and can write and did write beautiful poetry and wish I could right the wrong that was done to my mother. I can't get paid for any of that.
I saw a dog that had been hit on the side of the road on my way to my job---it looked like it had gotten out of its yard. It looked like it had a collar on and it looked cute. Of course it was not alive anymore but it broke my heart. Seeing dogs or cats that have lost their life on the road always makes me feel so bad.
I also saw my mental health professional today. She asked me if I thought I was obsessed over my movie dream. I wake up to Nothing, work throughout the day whenever I can wherever I'm supposed to be for it seems Nothing, and everything is Nothing, except that dream. I shared my movie dream with one of the guys that came up to me. He was a good listener. Really good listener.
The thing is--it's the only thing that seems worthwhile at times, and then a moment tonight I thought maybe I was just obsessed with it and that it maybe should be swept under the rug again. I saw something extraordinary being made of my mother's life when I was in high school, and although there may be some obstacles to overcome with it, it should go on--it should be and I'm sorry for any over-insistence I have about it--my life--the hell I'm in--everything--I'm sorry if I'm making something of myself that starts with an "a" and ends with 2 "s's." I'm sorry--but I have nowhere to go--I'm smart, intelligent, passionate and have nothing. I have nothing. I am scanning online Employment ads--I so went into the wrong profession. I so am so unemployable.
I fit in nowhere.
I saw young people passing me today at the mall and would think, "Oh, I bet they like math. They'll always have a job."
I hope I am not and sorry if am making the thing of myself that starts with an "a." I am so sorry. I am a really great person but going through hell. Going through hell.
I live for my dogs and cats. I live for them. They are my life. They are the reason I'm fighting right now--and I am fighting. I don't know where I belong, but I'm fighting.
Cindy
Not bad--I didn't hand out any cards though.
I found myself entirely frustrated with my state in life. Added up hours and multiplied by $ 7.
I'm not sure how I did this---I know I spent 7 years thinking that I would make things up after I climbed the pay scale ladder of education. I had the highest of hopes and now I have nothing. There is money in insurance and sales--but I'm at a point I don't want to have to sit in insurance classes and then---I don't know. There is no guarntee in insurance and sales. There is no gurantee in life. I just am worn out. I am absolutely worn. I'm tired and I'm spent. I'm well spent.
But somehow, there are people who have become successful, make over $100,000 a year, and some of them are in insurance and sales.
I will have to work 60 hours a week to make $1600 a month. I've never made over $2,000 a month, I realized, and I'm 34.
Thought I'd be doing it by now and in education but no. no. no.
I called a friend who knows what's going on and she asked how I was. I said I could be better. She asked what was wrong---if something happened---SHE KNOWS what is going on---what has happened is that Nothing has happened.
That is what is wrong. Nothing is what is wrong. She thinks that having my animals is keeping me from things--like government housing. I said I had a degree and almost a Masters degree--I don't need to be in government housing.
Two people from the same business came up to me--two people from Primerica--a subsideary of Citibank. I got to vent about being an unemployed special education teacher and being broke. I vented.
I am so talented--and I so have to get over that Stephen Crane quote about existing. I am so very talented---Ellen DeGeneres, I am so very talented. I have a heart. I have such a heart. If I could get paid for what is in my heart--but I can't. I can't get paid just because I love animals and can write and did write beautiful poetry and wish I could right the wrong that was done to my mother. I can't get paid for any of that.
I saw a dog that had been hit on the side of the road on my way to my job---it looked like it had gotten out of its yard. It looked like it had a collar on and it looked cute. Of course it was not alive anymore but it broke my heart. Seeing dogs or cats that have lost their life on the road always makes me feel so bad.
I also saw my mental health professional today. She asked me if I thought I was obsessed over my movie dream. I wake up to Nothing, work throughout the day whenever I can wherever I'm supposed to be for it seems Nothing, and everything is Nothing, except that dream. I shared my movie dream with one of the guys that came up to me. He was a good listener. Really good listener.
The thing is--it's the only thing that seems worthwhile at times, and then a moment tonight I thought maybe I was just obsessed with it and that it maybe should be swept under the rug again. I saw something extraordinary being made of my mother's life when I was in high school, and although there may be some obstacles to overcome with it, it should go on--it should be and I'm sorry for any over-insistence I have about it--my life--the hell I'm in--everything--I'm sorry if I'm making something of myself that starts with an "a" and ends with 2 "s's." I'm sorry--but I have nowhere to go--I'm smart, intelligent, passionate and have nothing. I have nothing. I am scanning online Employment ads--I so went into the wrong profession. I so am so unemployable.
I fit in nowhere.
I saw young people passing me today at the mall and would think, "Oh, I bet they like math. They'll always have a job."
I hope I am not and sorry if am making the thing of myself that starts with an "a." I am so sorry. I am a really great person but going through hell. Going through hell.
I live for my dogs and cats. I live for them. They are my life. They are the reason I'm fighting right now--and I am fighting. I don't know where I belong, but I'm fighting.
Cindy
On Meeting the guy George will play
I am not sure if I talked about this yet---I will never forget it.
My mother and I were eating at a Mexican restaurant one Sunday afternoon. It was an exquisite Mexican restaurant. They had a buffet brunch on Sundays. It wasn't exactly Mexican oriented--at least for the Sunday brunch. They had waffles and they made the waffles right in front of you--beautiful and exquisite.
Dr. Somebody--the man George Clooney will play--came in with his wife. For some reason, his wife's name has been standing out to me. My mom saw him come in and said, "There's Dr. Somebody." The man was good looking and he and George sort of resemble each other. It's a perfect fit in every way. My mom wrote about this in her writing before she died. We sat there and drank tea till we could have floated out. She was going to wait until he left. And as he was leaving, we got up and followed him. She got his attention and said that she was still keeping up with the lifestyle she had before and had two cars and sent me to a Christian school and didn't have the stress that she did before. He said, in reply, and I know this and remember this. "All the people I have done this to have said the same thing you did."
I will never forget it.
Cindy
My mother and I were eating at a Mexican restaurant one Sunday afternoon. It was an exquisite Mexican restaurant. They had a buffet brunch on Sundays. It wasn't exactly Mexican oriented--at least for the Sunday brunch. They had waffles and they made the waffles right in front of you--beautiful and exquisite.
Dr. Somebody--the man George Clooney will play--came in with his wife. For some reason, his wife's name has been standing out to me. My mom saw him come in and said, "There's Dr. Somebody." The man was good looking and he and George sort of resemble each other. It's a perfect fit in every way. My mom wrote about this in her writing before she died. We sat there and drank tea till we could have floated out. She was going to wait until he left. And as he was leaving, we got up and followed him. She got his attention and said that she was still keeping up with the lifestyle she had before and had two cars and sent me to a Christian school and didn't have the stress that she did before. He said, in reply, and I know this and remember this. "All the people I have done this to have said the same thing you did."
I will never forget it.
Cindy
When I was in high school
When I was in high school, I saw a movie being made about my mom--I saw people on a stage and I saw honor being brought to her.
I didn't see anything about my life being in that movie at the time, but as time has gone on, that has changed.
But I saw it--I saw honor, people talking about her on a stage, and if that could only happen.
Cindy
I didn't see anything about my life being in that movie at the time, but as time has gone on, that has changed.
But I saw it--I saw honor, people talking about her on a stage, and if that could only happen.
Cindy
this hell I'm going through
I don't know how people know to do what they do in life---it mystifies me. I guess they like something and they work towards it or something falls into their hands or lap. I truly do not know.
From what I've experienced and seen, there's not a slot that former educators fit into--
Insurance--been there done that.
It's a mystery to me--how people do what they do, know what to do, do it and become good at it. I'm at a loss.
I'm looking at my beautiful dog, Maggie. She has these big amber, yellowish eyes and she has floppy ears and she's brownish red with a white chest. We're sitting in bed and I believe she knows something is wrong. I worry. I worry. I worry. I worry about losing her and the others. I worry. She's snuggled up and comfortable. I don't want to lose her.
I do not know what there is for me to do.
I may be appearing a lunatic and I know I'm not the only person in the world with problems but at the moment, I sure feel like it. I wish I could go back to a day when I thought everything was going to be ok, that I was going to do something that could adequately support me and even make me wealthy.
How do people do it?
I believe I have a talent but getting people to see it is an enormous, gigantic thing. I'm a strongly passionate person. I am a respector of emotion. I put situations into words, a long time ago, and I had a talent for it. I haven't written a lot in some time, but I would like something to come from my talent. I would like to do something that relates to what comes and has come from my heart.
If I could talk to Tom Hanks and George Clooney.
My wonderful mother had such a problem after she was "put out." Even though key people wrote her great recommendation letters, she never knew what to put down on the question, "Why did you leave your former job?" She never knew what to put down and there are questions on applications and during interviews that if you were in her position, it was next to impossible to overcome. I hate some of those questions myself. How do you get past having been terminated in the middle of your 25th year on grounds of incompetence?
She didn't want to leave her former job.
She talked about that question and not knowing how to deal with it, and I hate that question myself.
I hate most questions on applications.
"Have you ever been dismissed or terminated?"
There are questions that declare you a good or bad person, and I just hate the formality.
I couldn't do things the way she did and I'm in an even terrible spot it feels, than she was. She didn't work from the time she was fired until she started in real estate, and real estate was basically a hobby. She made a few thousand dollars from it. She worried about money and would say, "There's more going out than coming in." Well, I screwed it all up and I know she was afraid that I would.
And she said I would make it. In that video I sent to Ellen, she said I was going to make it--and I haven't and I do not know how I ever will.
I had beautiful recommendation letters myself. I will post them a little later. Beautiful. I was so shocked last year when I interviewed and was turned down. My letters are beautiful.
I hate it too when you get voice mail or an answering machine and it sounds like the person is actually answering but it's the recorded message. They're like, "Hi, this is Cindy." and they pause for a second, and you start talking or want to start talking but then you hear, "I can't come to the phone right now..."
No, I don't know how to get out of this and make anything better or successful.
I spent money, savings, trying to support myself while I was trying to get into the education field, thinking I could work things back---but here I am where I am. When I did get a job it was 50 miles away---wore out a car---made less than most people in education because I worked for a County. I started this in 2001---2001 and started interviewing then---anyone that would interview me---had been told I didn't need my teaching license or certificate---that someone would hire me anyway---did get a job that year but I felt backed up against a wall like my mom--left that place. Several times in this field I have been able to sympathize with my mom. Finally, I got that job that I drove 50 miles one way, 100 miles round trip for 3 years. My uncle tells me that isn't unusual. He tells me about people that work in New York City and have a long commute.
I will tell about my last supervisor in another post. I cried all night after one of his observations.
I do not know what I'm going to do.
From what I've experienced and seen, there's not a slot that former educators fit into--
Insurance--been there done that.
It's a mystery to me--how people do what they do, know what to do, do it and become good at it. I'm at a loss.
I'm looking at my beautiful dog, Maggie. She has these big amber, yellowish eyes and she has floppy ears and she's brownish red with a white chest. We're sitting in bed and I believe she knows something is wrong. I worry. I worry. I worry. I worry about losing her and the others. I worry. She's snuggled up and comfortable. I don't want to lose her.
I do not know what there is for me to do.
I may be appearing a lunatic and I know I'm not the only person in the world with problems but at the moment, I sure feel like it. I wish I could go back to a day when I thought everything was going to be ok, that I was going to do something that could adequately support me and even make me wealthy.
How do people do it?
I believe I have a talent but getting people to see it is an enormous, gigantic thing. I'm a strongly passionate person. I am a respector of emotion. I put situations into words, a long time ago, and I had a talent for it. I haven't written a lot in some time, but I would like something to come from my talent. I would like to do something that relates to what comes and has come from my heart.
If I could talk to Tom Hanks and George Clooney.
My wonderful mother had such a problem after she was "put out." Even though key people wrote her great recommendation letters, she never knew what to put down on the question, "Why did you leave your former job?" She never knew what to put down and there are questions on applications and during interviews that if you were in her position, it was next to impossible to overcome. I hate some of those questions myself. How do you get past having been terminated in the middle of your 25th year on grounds of incompetence?
She didn't want to leave her former job.
She talked about that question and not knowing how to deal with it, and I hate that question myself.
I hate most questions on applications.
"Have you ever been dismissed or terminated?"
There are questions that declare you a good or bad person, and I just hate the formality.
I couldn't do things the way she did and I'm in an even terrible spot it feels, than she was. She didn't work from the time she was fired until she started in real estate, and real estate was basically a hobby. She made a few thousand dollars from it. She worried about money and would say, "There's more going out than coming in." Well, I screwed it all up and I know she was afraid that I would.
And she said I would make it. In that video I sent to Ellen, she said I was going to make it--and I haven't and I do not know how I ever will.
I had beautiful recommendation letters myself. I will post them a little later. Beautiful. I was so shocked last year when I interviewed and was turned down. My letters are beautiful.
I hate it too when you get voice mail or an answering machine and it sounds like the person is actually answering but it's the recorded message. They're like, "Hi, this is Cindy." and they pause for a second, and you start talking or want to start talking but then you hear, "I can't come to the phone right now..."
No, I don't know how to get out of this and make anything better or successful.
I spent money, savings, trying to support myself while I was trying to get into the education field, thinking I could work things back---but here I am where I am. When I did get a job it was 50 miles away---wore out a car---made less than most people in education because I worked for a County. I started this in 2001---2001 and started interviewing then---anyone that would interview me---had been told I didn't need my teaching license or certificate---that someone would hire me anyway---did get a job that year but I felt backed up against a wall like my mom--left that place. Several times in this field I have been able to sympathize with my mom. Finally, I got that job that I drove 50 miles one way, 100 miles round trip for 3 years. My uncle tells me that isn't unusual. He tells me about people that work in New York City and have a long commute.
I will tell about my last supervisor in another post. I cried all night after one of his observations.
I do not know what I'm going to do.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Poem about a look and chance you never took
WORDS by CINDY---Katherine Lucinda Taylor---all of it.
Yesterday, so gone
And today, is fine
Brighter now.
Once jailed by hope
Once jailed by time
Once jailed by a look.
Once jailed by a chance that you never took.
Once jailed and waiting to be set free
That was me.
But today is brighter now.
Today is a chance.
Today is a guess.
Today is just a guess.
I can’t go back
And you can’t come to me.
And it’s not something done easily--
Letting go
Today is brighter now.
I can’t go back
And you can’t come to me.
And it’s not something done easily--
Letting go
A look.
A chance you never took.
Was like climbing a rope, losing your grip
And sliding all the way down.
You had the look.
You had the face.
And you were the place I wanted to be.
Yesterday, so gone
And today, is fine
Brighter now.
Once jailed by hope
Once jailed by time
Once jailed by a look.
Once jailed by a chance that you never took.
Once jailed and waiting to be set free
That was me.
But today is brighter now.
Today is a chance.
Today is a guess.
Today is just a guess.
I can’t go back
And you can’t come to me.
And it’s not something done easily--
Letting go
Today is brighter now.
I can’t go back
And you can’t come to me.
And it’s not something done easily--
Letting go
A look.
A chance you never took.
Was like climbing a rope, losing your grip
And sliding all the way down.
You had the look.
You had the face.
And you were the place I wanted to be.
Thinking about controversy
I wish I could put everything up here and out here--wish I could. Wish I could post parts of my book, but then no one would buy the book ( which needs overhauled )
Yeah---I've been wondering about how you get a script together when a chunk or two needs overhauled. The only part I'm really comfortable with is the Josh and Leslie parts. But that needs to go more in depth too. I will say this: It needs to said, "Josh wished Leslie would hurry up and get a job. He hated waiting but for her, he would wait the rest of his life."
There's an email or two I can't open because I'm afraid this person is taking the same sort of stance that he did. This person knew us and I have been open about everything--things I was not before--and I may have made a pest of myself--letting her know all the things that are going and not going in my life. I think I may have said this and will say (again)---he said some things that I never was able to understand---to this day and till the day I die--- no understanding. I think back to some instances, and I remember things. I remember looks, and the sound of his voice, I remember actions---and there is one explanation to one instance that I came up with, though on my own, and I have regretted my words before his action. I regretted it and have wondered so long if I had not said what I said, if he would not have said what he said and if we would be together today.
SOME people would want to say I imagined everything, that I'm changing the past, but I know what happened and everything that happened, happened---except the end of the book and the fiction that I must weave in---I know some people would be like, "Let it go. You haven't let go of it yet?" I have lived the past years as well as I can and could with an absolute ________. I don't even know what the word is---mystery isn't a good enough word. With an absolute--I do not know---absolute, utter---I have lived the past years with a hole in my heart, an absolute--if you have the word for me, let me know. Something greater than Mystery.
And I was doing well for some time with it all---I had a pretty good full acceptance of it.
It's all turned to mush now, though--I don't want what I used to want. Over isn't anything anymore---Not to keep bringing Ellen up, but there was a time when something very puzzling, I'm sure happened in her life. I'm sure she said or wanted to say, "How could you do that or say that?"
Maybe puzzle is the word I'm looking for, or maybe not.
Yeah, people could find exception to what I am trying to bring to life.
Wish I could open those emails--but I can't.
If the subject was: "It's all good" I would.
I'm just afraid this person has a problem with everything---
Josh---he becomes Leslie's rock, and he loves her, and her pain is his pain. Especially when they are apart, but he can't do anything about it. He has eyes that are so expressive and show what he's feeling, what he's feeling, all the time. He had such eyes. His face and his eyes showed it all. All the time. How I loved him. How he got inside my being. How I loved him and how he captured me--powerful, powerful man to a young woman trying to pick up the pieces of her mother's death and move forward into a sense of the unknown, believing life would somehow be good.
Yeah---I've been wondering about how you get a script together when a chunk or two needs overhauled. The only part I'm really comfortable with is the Josh and Leslie parts. But that needs to go more in depth too. I will say this: It needs to said, "Josh wished Leslie would hurry up and get a job. He hated waiting but for her, he would wait the rest of his life."
There's an email or two I can't open because I'm afraid this person is taking the same sort of stance that he did. This person knew us and I have been open about everything--things I was not before--and I may have made a pest of myself--letting her know all the things that are going and not going in my life. I think I may have said this and will say (again)---he said some things that I never was able to understand---to this day and till the day I die--- no understanding. I think back to some instances, and I remember things. I remember looks, and the sound of his voice, I remember actions---and there is one explanation to one instance that I came up with, though on my own, and I have regretted my words before his action. I regretted it and have wondered so long if I had not said what I said, if he would not have said what he said and if we would be together today.
SOME people would want to say I imagined everything, that I'm changing the past, but I know what happened and everything that happened, happened---except the end of the book and the fiction that I must weave in---I know some people would be like, "Let it go. You haven't let go of it yet?" I have lived the past years as well as I can and could with an absolute ________. I don't even know what the word is---mystery isn't a good enough word. With an absolute--I do not know---absolute, utter---I have lived the past years with a hole in my heart, an absolute--if you have the word for me, let me know. Something greater than Mystery.
And I was doing well for some time with it all---I had a pretty good full acceptance of it.
It's all turned to mush now, though--I don't want what I used to want. Over isn't anything anymore---Not to keep bringing Ellen up, but there was a time when something very puzzling, I'm sure happened in her life. I'm sure she said or wanted to say, "How could you do that or say that?"
Maybe puzzle is the word I'm looking for, or maybe not.
Yeah, people could find exception to what I am trying to bring to life.
Wish I could open those emails--but I can't.
If the subject was: "It's all good" I would.
I'm just afraid this person has a problem with everything---
Josh---he becomes Leslie's rock, and he loves her, and her pain is his pain. Especially when they are apart, but he can't do anything about it. He has eyes that are so expressive and show what he's feeling, what he's feeling, all the time. He had such eyes. His face and his eyes showed it all. All the time. How I loved him. How he got inside my being. How I loved him and how he captured me--powerful, powerful man to a young woman trying to pick up the pieces of her mother's death and move forward into a sense of the unknown, believing life would somehow be good.
Sent the tape in
I sent the Tape and DVD of my mom to Ellen today.
I know--A number of things could happen. 1--nothing. 2. "I'm sorry. Ellen can't help you with your task but good luck," an assistant or producer or publicist could write. 3. Or, I guess she could call and say she doesn't or can't help or 4. She could call and say she's inspired and wants to help.
I'm completely prepared for 1,2,3 and to be honest, I don't know that I'm even ready for 4. It would be nice and like a dream, a much better one than I've had in a long time.
And it would be the best but no pressure on anyone. The last thing anyone likes or wants is pressure.
Some people might have fault with me but that always happens when someone wants to come out--about anything.
A great guy has to be on the horizon. He just has to be.
Cindy
I know--A number of things could happen. 1--nothing. 2. "I'm sorry. Ellen can't help you with your task but good luck," an assistant or producer or publicist could write. 3. Or, I guess she could call and say she doesn't or can't help or 4. She could call and say she's inspired and wants to help.
I'm completely prepared for 1,2,3 and to be honest, I don't know that I'm even ready for 4. It would be nice and like a dream, a much better one than I've had in a long time.
And it would be the best but no pressure on anyone. The last thing anyone likes or wants is pressure.
Some people might have fault with me but that always happens when someone wants to come out--about anything.
A great guy has to be on the horizon. He just has to be.
Cindy
Again, I could have screamed
The job thing today---I know I say this ocassionally---again, I could have screamed.
I had to read a book before I interviewed. It entailed the position, and if I had been eating, it would have been sawdust. Something either being an unrealistic creative event happening or traumatic in the past was hitting my brain as I was reading it. I saw this Movie coming through or myself standing in front of someone a long time ago ( I wasn't far from the location)--him standing like a stone wall and his eyes. I tried to read through the whole thing. It was well over 100 pages. I could have screamed. I just could have screamed. I remembered not having to read a book before being in a position--just being there and knowing what to do--(my special education tutoring job). I remembered writing the IEPs though I hated doing it. I remembered the people. And there I was sitting there, trying to ask myself if I could do this position, and knowing, beyond a shadow of a doubt that I could not.
I felt I'd be better at McDonald's and if the Americorp office was around the corner from that office, I would have been saying, "I'm ready to sign."
It was a "head-hunter" recruiting position for an employment agency of sorts. It paid---I could live off it, but I knew if I was just out of college I could have an honest shot at it. There was a line that talked about failure and if you failed at something at it you only had yourself to blame. I knew I didn't need to think about blame anymore. I'm doing enough of that as it is.
I read the whole thing, and with great reluctance and acceptance, told them I had read it all. I wondered if I should have left then (but then, I Knew it was turning down an amount I could live off of). The man asked me if I was interested in doing it and I said I wasn't sure.
I told him if I was just out of college I knew I could.
I just don't want to have to learn a whole lot of detail oriented things that have nothing to do with an interest of mine. I feel too old, too worn out, too out of faith. I'm about out of it.
I feel like I've been asleep for 10 years and just woke up. I feel as if I just woke up.
I'm so tired of trying to think about Hours and when I'm going to be able to do what and when. I'm so tired of it. This isn't right. This isn't fair and I need to get past that Stephen Crane quote. I need to come out--I'm not gay but I need to come out. I need to tell the world this secret or secrets I've been hiding. I need to and I need to now.
I'm going to probably be letting Frisch's know I'm quitting there---I have a new part time job that doesn't involve food--just handing out cards. I'm going to be working with a bathroom remodeling company at their kiosks in malls or trade shows. I am not sure how I applied with them but this guy named Mark called me about it. He's very nice and I was doing paperwork at their office today and he asked me about my day and I couldn't exactly reply. He seemed to understand---best part of my day--took the edge off. I'm sure I wasn't "acting" happy at all. I really still wanted to scream.
This Weighing of Decisions is and has been completely overwhelming, I see what I did for almost a decade or worked toward doing for almost a decade and I feel spent. I feel well spent.
Americorp--year long committment (that's why Ellen needs to call--but like that would happen, people can say they're sorry or just ignore me like nothing)--year long committment and then I'd probably work with the bathroom remodling company on Saturday and Sunday and have to work at McDs from 6 am to 10 am. Americorp would be 11 am to 6 pm---about 4 or 5 hours to myself and my dogs. I wonder, too, what would be exactly for me after that year, as far as employment. It is said that people can get a lot of offers after working with them but I don't know what would be for me.
I'm tired of this. There is something artistic and creative that should be in my future, very near, soon future.
Cindy
I had to read a book before I interviewed. It entailed the position, and if I had been eating, it would have been sawdust. Something either being an unrealistic creative event happening or traumatic in the past was hitting my brain as I was reading it. I saw this Movie coming through or myself standing in front of someone a long time ago ( I wasn't far from the location)--him standing like a stone wall and his eyes. I tried to read through the whole thing. It was well over 100 pages. I could have screamed. I just could have screamed. I remembered not having to read a book before being in a position--just being there and knowing what to do--(my special education tutoring job). I remembered writing the IEPs though I hated doing it. I remembered the people. And there I was sitting there, trying to ask myself if I could do this position, and knowing, beyond a shadow of a doubt that I could not.
I felt I'd be better at McDonald's and if the Americorp office was around the corner from that office, I would have been saying, "I'm ready to sign."
It was a "head-hunter" recruiting position for an employment agency of sorts. It paid---I could live off it, but I knew if I was just out of college I could have an honest shot at it. There was a line that talked about failure and if you failed at something at it you only had yourself to blame. I knew I didn't need to think about blame anymore. I'm doing enough of that as it is.
I read the whole thing, and with great reluctance and acceptance, told them I had read it all. I wondered if I should have left then (but then, I Knew it was turning down an amount I could live off of). The man asked me if I was interested in doing it and I said I wasn't sure.
I told him if I was just out of college I knew I could.
I just don't want to have to learn a whole lot of detail oriented things that have nothing to do with an interest of mine. I feel too old, too worn out, too out of faith. I'm about out of it.
I feel like I've been asleep for 10 years and just woke up. I feel as if I just woke up.
I'm so tired of trying to think about Hours and when I'm going to be able to do what and when. I'm so tired of it. This isn't right. This isn't fair and I need to get past that Stephen Crane quote. I need to come out--I'm not gay but I need to come out. I need to tell the world this secret or secrets I've been hiding. I need to and I need to now.
I'm going to probably be letting Frisch's know I'm quitting there---I have a new part time job that doesn't involve food--just handing out cards. I'm going to be working with a bathroom remodeling company at their kiosks in malls or trade shows. I am not sure how I applied with them but this guy named Mark called me about it. He's very nice and I was doing paperwork at their office today and he asked me about my day and I couldn't exactly reply. He seemed to understand---best part of my day--took the edge off. I'm sure I wasn't "acting" happy at all. I really still wanted to scream.
This Weighing of Decisions is and has been completely overwhelming, I see what I did for almost a decade or worked toward doing for almost a decade and I feel spent. I feel well spent.
Americorp--year long committment (that's why Ellen needs to call--but like that would happen, people can say they're sorry or just ignore me like nothing)--year long committment and then I'd probably work with the bathroom remodling company on Saturday and Sunday and have to work at McDs from 6 am to 10 am. Americorp would be 11 am to 6 pm---about 4 or 5 hours to myself and my dogs. I wonder, too, what would be exactly for me after that year, as far as employment. It is said that people can get a lot of offers after working with them but I don't know what would be for me.
I'm tired of this. There is something artistic and creative that should be in my future, very near, soon future.
Cindy
Rick Springfield again
Just have to say again, Rick Springfield is getting me through. Love the music and after being to a concert, you find he's a very open person.
Love the music. "Human Touch" Love it all. Love to watch and hear people play guitar.
Love it.
Cindy
Love the music. "Human Touch" Love it all. Love to watch and hear people play guitar.
Love it.
Cindy
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
things I forgot in the book
There are so many things I forgot to put in the book. I should have mentioned that my mom cared for my aunt and uncle when she was 13 or 14 while my grandmother went to college, in town called Barberville. My mother would have to drag my aunt to their aunt's house ( Aunt Artie) to get her take a bath. I thought about how the movie would open. I wasn't thinking of it opening the way the book does.
I plan on the poem, "If" being read, and I would like to be the one to read it. I think will have a difficult time getting through it but I want to do it.
I was thinking that it would show my mom as a young person draggin my aunt to their aunt's house. First she will try it herself, saying, "Come on Maggie, you have to take a bath. Mama's going to be home soon and you have to get your bath." She'll drag Maggie to Artie's. It will be rural Kentucky and Artie will say, "Come on Maggie, let's get that bath." Maggie will be adiment, "I don't want to take a bath!"
Once, my grandmother told my mother to put oil in the old stove and it blew up in her face. My grandmother had to take her on the bus to the hospital and people on the bus kept asking my grandmother what happened to my mother. She had to wear bandages on her face during a whole hot summer. Amazingly, she didn't have any scars from the burns.
The day of or after my father died, there were two boys canoo-ing (mis spelling) in the Miami River, off of St. Rt, 73. One fell into the water and the other boy went in to save him. Both died. One is buried almost in front of my father and the stone has the inscription: Gave His Life For A Friend. My mother told me the story whenever she told me about how my dad died.
Once, my mother, my aunt ("Maggie), her daughter and I were in a mall. We went into a candy store, and I wanted the jelly beans with the unusual flavors. My aunt and cousin got some yogurt covered pretzles. I wanted some pretzles. My mother said I could share with my aunt and cousin. Well, I wasn't happy about that--I didn't want to share. My aunt and cousin had already paid for their things and asked me to walk out with them. I had the jelly beans in my hand and my mom was talking to the clerk at the counter. I had the jelly beans out like I was going to serve them and forgot that I was holding them. I started to walk out, and I heard, "CINDY! STOP! THEY'LL CATCH YOU FOR SHOPLIFTING!!" I stopped. I stopped in my tracks. Everyone in the store was looking at me. I went over to the counter and dropped the jelly beans and walked out. Tears welled up in my eyes and I cried as we all walked the mall. I was SO embarrassed. I couldn't understand why she just didn't come over and whisper it to me, "We need to pay for the jelly beans." She'd do that--all the time--yell my name out in the stores. She'd be in the women's section and I'd be in juniors across the way from each other, and she'd yell my name out.
"Cindy!"
She could be so funny and when she started laughing sometimes, she'd have a difficult time stopping. She had such a respect for humor. She loved to laugh. She loved things that were funny that you had to think about---She'd put her head down and then up again with her mouth open and teeth showing when she'd have a good laugh. Sometimes she'd hold her hands to herself, around her waist, like and wave her right hand.
Loved her.
Cindy
I plan on the poem, "If" being read, and I would like to be the one to read it. I think will have a difficult time getting through it but I want to do it.
I was thinking that it would show my mom as a young person draggin my aunt to their aunt's house. First she will try it herself, saying, "Come on Maggie, you have to take a bath. Mama's going to be home soon and you have to get your bath." She'll drag Maggie to Artie's. It will be rural Kentucky and Artie will say, "Come on Maggie, let's get that bath." Maggie will be adiment, "I don't want to take a bath!"
Once, my grandmother told my mother to put oil in the old stove and it blew up in her face. My grandmother had to take her on the bus to the hospital and people on the bus kept asking my grandmother what happened to my mother. She had to wear bandages on her face during a whole hot summer. Amazingly, she didn't have any scars from the burns.
The day of or after my father died, there were two boys canoo-ing (mis spelling) in the Miami River, off of St. Rt, 73. One fell into the water and the other boy went in to save him. Both died. One is buried almost in front of my father and the stone has the inscription: Gave His Life For A Friend. My mother told me the story whenever she told me about how my dad died.
Once, my mother, my aunt ("Maggie), her daughter and I were in a mall. We went into a candy store, and I wanted the jelly beans with the unusual flavors. My aunt and cousin got some yogurt covered pretzles. I wanted some pretzles. My mother said I could share with my aunt and cousin. Well, I wasn't happy about that--I didn't want to share. My aunt and cousin had already paid for their things and asked me to walk out with them. I had the jelly beans in my hand and my mom was talking to the clerk at the counter. I had the jelly beans out like I was going to serve them and forgot that I was holding them. I started to walk out, and I heard, "CINDY! STOP! THEY'LL CATCH YOU FOR SHOPLIFTING!!" I stopped. I stopped in my tracks. Everyone in the store was looking at me. I went over to the counter and dropped the jelly beans and walked out. Tears welled up in my eyes and I cried as we all walked the mall. I was SO embarrassed. I couldn't understand why she just didn't come over and whisper it to me, "We need to pay for the jelly beans." She'd do that--all the time--yell my name out in the stores. She'd be in the women's section and I'd be in juniors across the way from each other, and she'd yell my name out.
"Cindy!"
She could be so funny and when she started laughing sometimes, she'd have a difficult time stopping. She had such a respect for humor. She loved to laugh. She loved things that were funny that you had to think about---She'd put her head down and then up again with her mouth open and teeth showing when she'd have a good laugh. Sometimes she'd hold her hands to herself, around her waist, like and wave her right hand.
Loved her.
Cindy
Bummer
I have had another bummer of an interview---this was a credible job and position, but it wasn't feasible. It was going to be with a company that deals with software and credit unions. They wanted people to educate people about this software ( I guess ). You didn't need to have experience with computers or software, from what I understood in talking to the guy on the phone the other day. He is a former teacher.
Well, they wanted you to travel--not around the block or city but to other states, for weeks possibly. And I have 3-4 dogs (depending if my aunt takes one for a time). And, I have my aunt. He asked if we should go on and I hated, hated saying no.
2 down and knocked out and 2 to go.
God.
I am going to be working for a company that remodels bathrooms part time for $7.00 an hour plus $20 if someone takes them up on the offer. I will work the fullest amount of that part time. I have training at McDonalds Monday from 9-1 and I think I will quit Frisch's.
I have two interviews tomorrow---one that deals with education but not on a school system level and another that seems like a "head-hunting" agency--pays a flat amount that I could live on in comparison to what I am making now--nothing---and then you could make $60,000 with commission. Sounds good to me right now.
Then, Americorp. $800 a month but hours are from 11 am to 6 pm. It's hard to figure in when you're going to do a second job with those hours. McDonalds: 6 am to 10 am--$7.00 an hour--4 hours--$28 before taxes--5 days a week--roughly $150 a week but less than that--$150 times 4 is $600. $1400 a month. +weekends part time work
It would be a guranteed $800 and doing something I'm familiar with--
How I hate this.
Cindy
Well, they wanted you to travel--not around the block or city but to other states, for weeks possibly. And I have 3-4 dogs (depending if my aunt takes one for a time). And, I have my aunt. He asked if we should go on and I hated, hated saying no.
2 down and knocked out and 2 to go.
God.
I am going to be working for a company that remodels bathrooms part time for $7.00 an hour plus $20 if someone takes them up on the offer. I will work the fullest amount of that part time. I have training at McDonalds Monday from 9-1 and I think I will quit Frisch's.
I have two interviews tomorrow---one that deals with education but not on a school system level and another that seems like a "head-hunting" agency--pays a flat amount that I could live on in comparison to what I am making now--nothing---and then you could make $60,000 with commission. Sounds good to me right now.
Then, Americorp. $800 a month but hours are from 11 am to 6 pm. It's hard to figure in when you're going to do a second job with those hours. McDonalds: 6 am to 10 am--$7.00 an hour--4 hours--$28 before taxes--5 days a week--roughly $150 a week but less than that--$150 times 4 is $600. $1400 a month. +weekends part time work
It would be a guranteed $800 and doing something I'm familiar with--
How I hate this.
Cindy
The Rick Cd is getting me through
The Rick Springfield Cd is getting me through.
If the dogs could sing they'd be singing along with Rick.
"Human Touch" and "Jessie's Girl" are holding a tie right now as favorites. When he goes into "But Sally has a hard time, holding back, the alley to her heart is a beaten track..." it just gets into my soul.
The Cd is in my car stereo---sorry Mix--Rick has the top spot right now.
Sometimes I wonder if I may appear wrong, in anything that I'm dreaming of or saying--if someone out there could "find fault" as my mother would have said, with what is coming out of my mouth, in a sense. I wonder. There's a couple emails I'm afraid to open.
You know how before you jump into a pool you swish your foot around in the water and it may feel cold but you jump in anyway and it's freezing so you want to get out? You test the waters and then you jump in. I hope I didn't jump in too soon in something.
I have my interesting interview at 3 today. It's 1:30 now.
Cindy
If the dogs could sing they'd be singing along with Rick.
"Human Touch" and "Jessie's Girl" are holding a tie right now as favorites. When he goes into "But Sally has a hard time, holding back, the alley to her heart is a beaten track..." it just gets into my soul.
The Cd is in my car stereo---sorry Mix--Rick has the top spot right now.
Sometimes I wonder if I may appear wrong, in anything that I'm dreaming of or saying--if someone out there could "find fault" as my mother would have said, with what is coming out of my mouth, in a sense. I wonder. There's a couple emails I'm afraid to open.
You know how before you jump into a pool you swish your foot around in the water and it may feel cold but you jump in anyway and it's freezing so you want to get out? You test the waters and then you jump in. I hope I didn't jump in too soon in something.
I have my interesting interview at 3 today. It's 1:30 now.
Cindy
Monday, July 21, 2008
The Interview and Guiding Light
The position I had a meeting about today wasn't all that it was cracked up to be.
Didn't understand it. Fast talking guy. Couldn't understand it. I'm not going to do that.
I do have my training to start at McDonalds, this coming Monday.
The interview tomorrow may be something--
I've been watching Guiding Light. There's a movie about Reva's life being made. When my movie gets made, I want it to better than hers is---the woman that is playing her doesn't seem to know anything about Reva and it's all just strange. I don't want mine to be like that.
I want mine to be better. I want the people who are playing each person to know what it was like and be more than lines and a script. It has be more than a script. They have to know it's about the life of a woman, for a good part, most part, that lived with every bit of strength it took to do whatever she had to do--and that she lived for her daughter and put her daughter's life above her own and before her own--that she lived life with every bit of strength it took, during each part of it. I want whoever plays me to--this is harder because I've tried not to consider myself so much--to show my faith in my future, my faith, a sense of keeping going, too--and Josh, well, I have snapshots---Josh, show his skill and talent and ability to wear his heart on his sleeve.
I wish somehow the real "Josh" could show whoever plays him how it was done and how he acted but I will do my best to show that myself--if I have to on my own. It will be virtually impossible to have happen what I just wished.
Ok, I'm watching Guiding Light right now--Billie on Guiding Light getting upset with the guy playing him is halarious. Josh just said, "Billie, it's a movie!"
I have envisioned an Academy Award but that is a big vision. I know. I know. I'm dreaming big.
An Academy Award doesn't have to happen but it would be nice. A movie, though, just a movie, would be great. If I could get a movie, I would be happy.
I've been thinking about this a lot.
I never liked it that they broke up Reva and Josh on Guiding Light. I didn't name my "Josh" after Josh on Guiding Light. I probably should have named him something different, but I thought if his name wasn't what it really was, he would be a Josh. And, there actually was a Josh in the same building and capacity as him but they looked nothing alike, whatsoever. I thought I was ensuring a complete disguise for him by naming him Josh.
I have to be at the restaurant at 6. I'm going to go pick up my aunt, aunt "Maggie" in the book, and take her to get something to eat before I go and I will probably think about this project the whole time.
It "reaks" when you have to do something that you hate and you have no idea how you're going to get out of doing it and how you're ever going to reach beyond where you are. It "reaks." And if you can dream that something magnificent will take place, in its place, it gets you through.
Cindy
Didn't understand it. Fast talking guy. Couldn't understand it. I'm not going to do that.
I do have my training to start at McDonalds, this coming Monday.
The interview tomorrow may be something--
I've been watching Guiding Light. There's a movie about Reva's life being made. When my movie gets made, I want it to better than hers is---the woman that is playing her doesn't seem to know anything about Reva and it's all just strange. I don't want mine to be like that.
I want mine to be better. I want the people who are playing each person to know what it was like and be more than lines and a script. It has be more than a script. They have to know it's about the life of a woman, for a good part, most part, that lived with every bit of strength it took to do whatever she had to do--and that she lived for her daughter and put her daughter's life above her own and before her own--that she lived life with every bit of strength it took, during each part of it. I want whoever plays me to--this is harder because I've tried not to consider myself so much--to show my faith in my future, my faith, a sense of keeping going, too--and Josh, well, I have snapshots---Josh, show his skill and talent and ability to wear his heart on his sleeve.
I wish somehow the real "Josh" could show whoever plays him how it was done and how he acted but I will do my best to show that myself--if I have to on my own. It will be virtually impossible to have happen what I just wished.
Ok, I'm watching Guiding Light right now--Billie on Guiding Light getting upset with the guy playing him is halarious. Josh just said, "Billie, it's a movie!"
I have envisioned an Academy Award but that is a big vision. I know. I know. I'm dreaming big.
An Academy Award doesn't have to happen but it would be nice. A movie, though, just a movie, would be great. If I could get a movie, I would be happy.
I've been thinking about this a lot.
I never liked it that they broke up Reva and Josh on Guiding Light. I didn't name my "Josh" after Josh on Guiding Light. I probably should have named him something different, but I thought if his name wasn't what it really was, he would be a Josh. And, there actually was a Josh in the same building and capacity as him but they looked nothing alike, whatsoever. I thought I was ensuring a complete disguise for him by naming him Josh.
I have to be at the restaurant at 6. I'm going to go pick up my aunt, aunt "Maggie" in the book, and take her to get something to eat before I go and I will probably think about this project the whole time.
It "reaks" when you have to do something that you hate and you have no idea how you're going to get out of doing it and how you're ever going to reach beyond where you are. It "reaks." And if you can dream that something magnificent will take place, in its place, it gets you through.
Cindy
Interviews
I have an interview today--there was an ad in the paper that said, "If you're not making $700 a week, call us." I did. I'm afraid it's not what it's cracked up to be.
Another has to do with credit unions and they were wanting Teachers.
Another is in a place I interviewed with last year. They work with at risk teens and it's sort of a business atomosphere and doen't pay into State Teachers Retirement.
Another place seems like a "Head-hunter" agency. I'd get a flat salary I could live off of and then commission.
I can't see myself working anywhere right now but I need to and hopefully something wonderful will happen. Ellen will call.
Cindy
Another has to do with credit unions and they were wanting Teachers.
Another is in a place I interviewed with last year. They work with at risk teens and it's sort of a business atomosphere and doen't pay into State Teachers Retirement.
Another place seems like a "Head-hunter" agency. I'd get a flat salary I could live off of and then commission.
I can't see myself working anywhere right now but I need to and hopefully something wonderful will happen. Ellen will call.
Cindy
ran into the former student who wrote a Rec. letter
I ran into a former student who wrote a Recommendation letter for my mom.
I am not sure if I put it on here---he said he had a teacher in the ninth grade that was an inspiration in his life in many ways.
He works for the City and was outside when I went to pay my water bill (which took most of my Frisch's money). He looked like he knew me and I asked. He said I looked familiar. I said I was Bernice Boggs Taylor's daughter. I said I was going through her things, found his Rec. letter and that I wanted to make a movie to clear her name. I refreshed his memory on what happened and he nodded. I told him that I had always known she wasn't incompetent and that students would come up and ask if she was still teaching. I knew if students asked her if she was still teaching that she wasn't incompetent. He nodded. I told him I had gone into education and couldn't get a job.
I wanted to ask him if people could talk to him for research when the movie was being produced.
I wonder what people who are scientific in nature think about what I'm proposing and what I'm doing, because there could be controversy about some things. There can be, could be and maybe are other sides to this story (stories). Other sides. Other sides. "Josh" in real life may have another side and other people could see his side in real life--my aunt has a saying, "I have a tail and I sit on mine" I sit on mine. I really want to save info till the book or movie comes out--I'd love to share it now and it just crossed my mind to do so, but I'm trying to save it.
I was enthralled by things he did. It was a powerful time for me when I spent the little time that I did with him. Enthralled and entranced.
I have tried to disguise people with different names and places having different names and make there be some differences between what was real life, but I want the story of her life, my mother's life, to be as much the same as possible. I want it and everything done with dignity, respect and honor.
I do worry though in an aspect related to "Josh" in real life. I do---he could have some complaints about me and I fear what he could think if he knew he was going to be portrayed. But, the story goes different than it did in real life. Reality---I have nothing. Not him. So broke because I was living in a dream that I'd have a successful career in education in spite of interviewing everywhere in my area and being turned down. Reality--what happened to me, eventually, in the end, in the book, didn't happen in real life. I have nothing. Thought if I had a career in education I'd have Something and the rest of life would work out well in some way.
I've tried to think about everything---my aunts whom I've loved my whole life---all of them and never could understand why my mom felt the way she did. They have been wonderful in my life and spending the time I did with them was all for a great benefit. Loved "Ruby." She probably wouldn't like that name, though. I may have to go through a book of names and change some again.
I also thought this morning about Cameron Mathison's age---how I hate time---Josh is supposed to be 27 and Leslie is supposed to be 22 or 23. I'm not opposed to the guy playing Josh being older but Leslie has got to stay 22 or 23. It doesn't really work out well, though, if Josh is like in his mid to late 30s and Leslie is 22 or 23. Crap.
Ok--I know this would be Hollywood that I'm dealing with---if somehow I had been able to do this Years ago now---it would work out perfect, *perfect* for Cameron to do this. His eyes are very prominent in his acting and when Ryan was going through the "thing" with Jillian on All My Children, it was clear to me he should play Josh.
What are we going to do?
I thought about my piece of the script. I'm impressed with myself and I was thinking about Josh saying, "So I have to wait." I know how the guy should say it.
I've tried to think of all sides of everything and still need something to happen in creative form.
Ellen has to call.
Cindy
I am not sure if I put it on here---he said he had a teacher in the ninth grade that was an inspiration in his life in many ways.
He works for the City and was outside when I went to pay my water bill (which took most of my Frisch's money). He looked like he knew me and I asked. He said I looked familiar. I said I was Bernice Boggs Taylor's daughter. I said I was going through her things, found his Rec. letter and that I wanted to make a movie to clear her name. I refreshed his memory on what happened and he nodded. I told him that I had always known she wasn't incompetent and that students would come up and ask if she was still teaching. I knew if students asked her if she was still teaching that she wasn't incompetent. He nodded. I told him I had gone into education and couldn't get a job.
I wanted to ask him if people could talk to him for research when the movie was being produced.
I wonder what people who are scientific in nature think about what I'm proposing and what I'm doing, because there could be controversy about some things. There can be, could be and maybe are other sides to this story (stories). Other sides. Other sides. "Josh" in real life may have another side and other people could see his side in real life--my aunt has a saying, "I have a tail and I sit on mine" I sit on mine. I really want to save info till the book or movie comes out--I'd love to share it now and it just crossed my mind to do so, but I'm trying to save it.
I was enthralled by things he did. It was a powerful time for me when I spent the little time that I did with him. Enthralled and entranced.
I have tried to disguise people with different names and places having different names and make there be some differences between what was real life, but I want the story of her life, my mother's life, to be as much the same as possible. I want it and everything done with dignity, respect and honor.
I do worry though in an aspect related to "Josh" in real life. I do---he could have some complaints about me and I fear what he could think if he knew he was going to be portrayed. But, the story goes different than it did in real life. Reality---I have nothing. Not him. So broke because I was living in a dream that I'd have a successful career in education in spite of interviewing everywhere in my area and being turned down. Reality--what happened to me, eventually, in the end, in the book, didn't happen in real life. I have nothing. Thought if I had a career in education I'd have Something and the rest of life would work out well in some way.
I've tried to think about everything---my aunts whom I've loved my whole life---all of them and never could understand why my mom felt the way she did. They have been wonderful in my life and spending the time I did with them was all for a great benefit. Loved "Ruby." She probably wouldn't like that name, though. I may have to go through a book of names and change some again.
I also thought this morning about Cameron Mathison's age---how I hate time---Josh is supposed to be 27 and Leslie is supposed to be 22 or 23. I'm not opposed to the guy playing Josh being older but Leslie has got to stay 22 or 23. It doesn't really work out well, though, if Josh is like in his mid to late 30s and Leslie is 22 or 23. Crap.
Ok--I know this would be Hollywood that I'm dealing with---if somehow I had been able to do this Years ago now---it would work out perfect, *perfect* for Cameron to do this. His eyes are very prominent in his acting and when Ryan was going through the "thing" with Jillian on All My Children, it was clear to me he should play Josh.
What are we going to do?
I thought about my piece of the script. I'm impressed with myself and I was thinking about Josh saying, "So I have to wait." I know how the guy should say it.
I've tried to think of all sides of everything and still need something to happen in creative form.
Ellen has to call.
Cindy
Sunday, July 20, 2008
My dogs and cats
I've left out some very important things.
I have three to four (one not being mine really but in my care at times) wonderful dogs. Wonderful dogs. and I won't say how many cats I have. Maggie is beautiful. She's extremely photogenic. Maggie came from the Humane Society. Babe, a Cairn Terrier, came from Louisville, Kentucky--and Babe is boy--if he knew people thought he was a girl from his name, he'd be thoroughly insulted--100% boy. I named him after the pig from the movie, Babe. Janie, a Rat Terrier, was given to me by a friend. Janie was given to her and she didn't like her. Janie was found in a neighborhood and given to my friend. She wanted me to take her and Janie seemed to like me. She is the reason Babe and Maggie get along---they weren't getting along before Janie came to the family. She took the "edge" off I guess. Coco is a SkipperKee. Coco belonged to my cousin who had a change of heart about her husband and pets.
She left them and the husband.
I told the husband that I would take them and when he got his feet on the ground he could have them back. He agreed. People said he wouldn't take them back and I said he would. Well, it's 2008 and that was 2005--he denies saying he'd take them back.
There were cats, too, and I already had a few of my own. People have been trying to get me to get rid of them and I won't.
One of the cats was given to my cousin by someone who was dying. Couldn't stand for him to go to the Humane Society.
Love them
CIndy
I have three to four (one not being mine really but in my care at times) wonderful dogs. Wonderful dogs. and I won't say how many cats I have. Maggie is beautiful. She's extremely photogenic. Maggie came from the Humane Society. Babe, a Cairn Terrier, came from Louisville, Kentucky--and Babe is boy--if he knew people thought he was a girl from his name, he'd be thoroughly insulted--100% boy. I named him after the pig from the movie, Babe. Janie, a Rat Terrier, was given to me by a friend. Janie was given to her and she didn't like her. Janie was found in a neighborhood and given to my friend. She wanted me to take her and Janie seemed to like me. She is the reason Babe and Maggie get along---they weren't getting along before Janie came to the family. She took the "edge" off I guess. Coco is a SkipperKee. Coco belonged to my cousin who had a change of heart about her husband and pets.
She left them and the husband.
I told the husband that I would take them and when he got his feet on the ground he could have them back. He agreed. People said he wouldn't take them back and I said he would. Well, it's 2008 and that was 2005--he denies saying he'd take them back.
There were cats, too, and I already had a few of my own. People have been trying to get me to get rid of them and I won't.
One of the cats was given to my cousin by someone who was dying. Couldn't stand for him to go to the Humane Society.
Love them
CIndy
Ellen Calling
I hope Ellen calls. I hope she calls and I hear her say, "Cindy, I hear you and know you, and this is going to happen. You're going to have a movie made and people are lining up to be in it. Tom Hanks wants to talk to you and George Clooney wants to talk to you. We'll work something out with Cameron Mathison. People want to talk to you and are lining up to be a part of this. I hope you haven't become too comfortable with your new job because you're going to have to come out here or we're going to have to come to you to work on getting this movie produced."
Long shot. Long shot, but
I hope that happens. Would be too good to be true but, God, I hope that happens.
I'm trying to be positive with an idea that I get a job.
Oh, how I want people to talk to me.
God, how I want people to talk to me and know me.
If she'd say, "People would stop what they are doing to work on this movie."
God.
There's this bossy 12th grader at the restaurant and when I walked in, she was telling me to do something. I want to ask her so badly if she's eyeing the manager position--if that's what her goal is in life (not that there's a thing wrong with that---the managers are very nice and restaurant managers are great people---she's just so bossy). She has no idea who Rick Springfield is though and I asked her today if she knew who John Mellencamp was---no idea. I said loudly after she told me what to do when I walked in, "I'm going to be making a movie."
I think she has a hard life, though.
After she asked me if I had done something before I was getting ready to leave, I asked her why she was asking. She acted like so she wouldn't have to do it.
I'm listening to Rick again. "I've done everything for you! You've done nothing for me! You've done nothing for me!" "I'm picking up my baby tonight...Love is alright tonight and we're going to be alright. Love is alright. Love is alright--tonight." "tell me what kind of fool am I, just to let go? just let go like that? to lose her?" I hope Rick won't get after me for copywrite violations--I'm picky about copywriting, but this in quotes and I clearly mention Rick. I don't need anymore problems. "don't try and tell me you think it's all physical, it goes much deeper than that. It's an affair of the heart. It's an affair of the heart." "Everybody's talking to computers...But Sally has a hard time holding back. The alley to heart her heart is a beaten track...WE all need the human touch. I need it the human touch. We all need it and I need it too" "I can see the path you're cutting. cost me a little piece of my heart...loving you has been hard on me, such a tough little sister looking for Mr. Right. You better love somebody, it's late. You better love somebody, don't tempt fate."
My "best" friend doesn't know I'm doing this---she doesn't know this is going on---I'm afraid she'd not understand. She said back in April I had been acting "Bizarre," and for what was going on, maybe I was---but she didn't "get something" then and I don't know if she'd get this now. She said once I was too young for memoir. What I've done, trying to do, isn't really a memoir but it's close.
Something has to happen.
Ellen---Read this and call.
Cindy
Long shot. Long shot, but
I hope that happens. Would be too good to be true but, God, I hope that happens.
I'm trying to be positive with an idea that I get a job.
Oh, how I want people to talk to me.
God, how I want people to talk to me and know me.
If she'd say, "People would stop what they are doing to work on this movie."
God.
There's this bossy 12th grader at the restaurant and when I walked in, she was telling me to do something. I want to ask her so badly if she's eyeing the manager position--if that's what her goal is in life (not that there's a thing wrong with that---the managers are very nice and restaurant managers are great people---she's just so bossy). She has no idea who Rick Springfield is though and I asked her today if she knew who John Mellencamp was---no idea. I said loudly after she told me what to do when I walked in, "I'm going to be making a movie."
I think she has a hard life, though.
After she asked me if I had done something before I was getting ready to leave, I asked her why she was asking. She acted like so she wouldn't have to do it.
I'm listening to Rick again. "I've done everything for you! You've done nothing for me! You've done nothing for me!" "I'm picking up my baby tonight...Love is alright tonight and we're going to be alright. Love is alright. Love is alright--tonight." "tell me what kind of fool am I, just to let go? just let go like that? to lose her?" I hope Rick won't get after me for copywrite violations--I'm picky about copywriting, but this in quotes and I clearly mention Rick. I don't need anymore problems. "don't try and tell me you think it's all physical, it goes much deeper than that. It's an affair of the heart. It's an affair of the heart." "Everybody's talking to computers...But Sally has a hard time holding back. The alley to heart her heart is a beaten track...WE all need the human touch. I need it the human touch. We all need it and I need it too" "I can see the path you're cutting. cost me a little piece of my heart...loving you has been hard on me, such a tough little sister looking for Mr. Right. You better love somebody, it's late. You better love somebody, don't tempt fate."
My "best" friend doesn't know I'm doing this---she doesn't know this is going on---I'm afraid she'd not understand. She said back in April I had been acting "Bizarre," and for what was going on, maybe I was---but she didn't "get something" then and I don't know if she'd get this now. She said once I was too young for memoir. What I've done, trying to do, isn't really a memoir but it's close.
Something has to happen.
Ellen---Read this and call.
Cindy
Someday she will be a well-known person
In 1972, my mom, my mother, decided to make Franklin, Ohio, her home. I have copy of a notice she sent to the school system in Kentucky where she was from and taught for years.
"Box 6, Blanding 4, University of Kentucky, 40506, July 24, 1972---to Mrs. Mildred Rowland, Superintendent, Harlan County Schools, Harlan, Kentucky Dear Mrs. Rowland, In reference to our telephone conversation on Saturday, July 22, I wish to resign my position in the Harlan County Schools in good standing. Sincerely, Bernice Boggs."
I wonder what Blanding 4 was and why she used Univ. of Kentucky address. She got her Masters and a lot of courses from the Univ. of Kentucky but I wasn't aware she was living there at that time.
This is what another former student said, who works for the City of where I live. "To Whom it May Concern: Several years ago I had a teacher in the 9th grade who I felt was an outstanding teacher. Not only was she an excellent teacher, but I found her to be an inspiration in my life in many ways"
And she was incompetent. This is what a student in Harlan County wrtoe about her--"Miss Boggs is a rather short, plump woman, of I would say about 30. She is a very brilliant, dedicated teacher and I think she enjoys her work; however to me she seems rather lonely. She pushes her students a little too hard, but this is only because she believes it's for their own good. She likes to laugh and have fun but apparently she doesn't think the classroom is the place for it. I don't think anything makes her happier than to see one of her students receive a high honor or an award of some kind in the field of science. Some day,I believe, she may be a well-known person. Barbara Parker, 2nd period Biology, 5-18-62"
And she was incompetent. I have wanted her to become that well-known persson for years. Anything anyone can do to help me in this purpose--I will be forever in your debt.
I had a "friend" say, "Well, she had a good record everywhere else--it was just in _______that she had a bad experience" or something demeaning to that effect---the bad experience in _________ (small town Ohio) killed her before the cancer did--but she somehow was able to put one foot in front of her, after she was killed.
This person has thought that I have too much negative energy. She's completely, absolutely oblivious to what has all happened in my life.
I have wanted her to become that well known person that Barbara Parker, in 1962 wrote about her. I have seen it. I see it. It's been ever impressive in my mind that she would be that well-known person, but I can't do it on my own.
Cindy
"Box 6, Blanding 4, University of Kentucky, 40506, July 24, 1972---to Mrs. Mildred Rowland, Superintendent, Harlan County Schools, Harlan, Kentucky Dear Mrs. Rowland, In reference to our telephone conversation on Saturday, July 22, I wish to resign my position in the Harlan County Schools in good standing. Sincerely, Bernice Boggs."
I wonder what Blanding 4 was and why she used Univ. of Kentucky address. She got her Masters and a lot of courses from the Univ. of Kentucky but I wasn't aware she was living there at that time.
This is what another former student said, who works for the City of where I live. "To Whom it May Concern: Several years ago I had a teacher in the 9th grade who I felt was an outstanding teacher. Not only was she an excellent teacher, but I found her to be an inspiration in my life in many ways"
And she was incompetent. This is what a student in Harlan County wrtoe about her--"Miss Boggs is a rather short, plump woman, of I would say about 30. She is a very brilliant, dedicated teacher and I think she enjoys her work; however to me she seems rather lonely. She pushes her students a little too hard, but this is only because she believes it's for their own good. She likes to laugh and have fun but apparently she doesn't think the classroom is the place for it. I don't think anything makes her happier than to see one of her students receive a high honor or an award of some kind in the field of science. Some day,I believe, she may be a well-known person. Barbara Parker, 2nd period Biology, 5-18-62"
And she was incompetent. I have wanted her to become that well-known persson for years. Anything anyone can do to help me in this purpose--I will be forever in your debt.
I had a "friend" say, "Well, she had a good record everywhere else--it was just in _______that she had a bad experience" or something demeaning to that effect---the bad experience in _________ (small town Ohio) killed her before the cancer did--but she somehow was able to put one foot in front of her, after she was killed.
This person has thought that I have too much negative energy. She's completely, absolutely oblivious to what has all happened in my life.
I have wanted her to become that well known person that Barbara Parker, in 1962 wrote about her. I have seen it. I see it. It's been ever impressive in my mind that she would be that well-known person, but I can't do it on my own.
Cindy
Part of the script
I'ts pretty bad when you don't feel you can keep together a "Yuck" job. I have to be there at 6 pm and it's 5:19. I could just not go in. I could just skip it all together today with no exucse or explanation,
Was thinking about the script when I was bathing
"Josh" tells Leslie he's seeing somebody and she is crushed. She tells Aunt Maggie and Maggie says he needs to know how special she is. Leslie tells Maggie to do something. Maggie makes a trip to the town (undecided name) and drops in on him at his apartment.
Maggie as Josh opens the door. : "Hi. Are you Josh Fuller?"
Josh: "Yes. And you are?"
Maggie: "I'm your aunt Maggie. My niece, Leslie knows you."
He opens the door and lets her in.
Maggie: Leslie said the other day that you were seeing someone, and I just wanted you to know how special she is and that you should really think about taking her out sometime. She really likes you."
Josh: I was talking about her.
Maggie: What?
Josh: I meant I was seeing her when I said I was seeing someone.
Maggie: What do you mean, you were seeing her? She's not gone out with you.
Josh: I've been seeing her a long time. She just didn't know it. She really likes me?
Maggie: Yes.
Josh: Well, what is it with that David guy? She said she thought he was the love of her life.
Maggie: Oh, he's nothing. He's just a guy she met after her mother died.
Josh: Do you think she'd want to get married?
Maggie: (had just said she was his aunt because she thought somewhere way down the line she could be his aunt) Married?
Josh: Yeah, married. Do you think she'd want to?
Maggie: She's not ready to get married. She's not out of college yet and she doesn't have a job. She doesn't know what she wants to do with her life.
Josh: You have a problem with her getting married?
Maggie: Yes, I have a problem with her getting married anytime soon. My sister would want her to do something with her life other than getting married now and she would want her to be independent for awhile. She will not be dependent on a man.
Josh: I love her and have loved her for a very long time and I want to take care of her. She needs someone to take care of her.
Maggie: No--she will not get married until she gets a job and a career.
Josh: So I have to wait?
Maggie: Till she gets a job and a career.
Josh tells Maggie he will push Leslie away and Maggie tells Josh that she'll have Leslie call him and...
Leslie calls him and he says, "_______________"
I think it's kind of like that in my book.
Cindy
Was thinking about the script when I was bathing
"Josh" tells Leslie he's seeing somebody and she is crushed. She tells Aunt Maggie and Maggie says he needs to know how special she is. Leslie tells Maggie to do something. Maggie makes a trip to the town (undecided name) and drops in on him at his apartment.
Maggie as Josh opens the door. : "Hi. Are you Josh Fuller?"
Josh: "Yes. And you are?"
Maggie: "I'm your aunt Maggie. My niece, Leslie knows you."
He opens the door and lets her in.
Maggie: Leslie said the other day that you were seeing someone, and I just wanted you to know how special she is and that you should really think about taking her out sometime. She really likes you."
Josh: I was talking about her.
Maggie: What?
Josh: I meant I was seeing her when I said I was seeing someone.
Maggie: What do you mean, you were seeing her? She's not gone out with you.
Josh: I've been seeing her a long time. She just didn't know it. She really likes me?
Maggie: Yes.
Josh: Well, what is it with that David guy? She said she thought he was the love of her life.
Maggie: Oh, he's nothing. He's just a guy she met after her mother died.
Josh: Do you think she'd want to get married?
Maggie: (had just said she was his aunt because she thought somewhere way down the line she could be his aunt) Married?
Josh: Yeah, married. Do you think she'd want to?
Maggie: She's not ready to get married. She's not out of college yet and she doesn't have a job. She doesn't know what she wants to do with her life.
Josh: You have a problem with her getting married?
Maggie: Yes, I have a problem with her getting married anytime soon. My sister would want her to do something with her life other than getting married now and she would want her to be independent for awhile. She will not be dependent on a man.
Josh: I love her and have loved her for a very long time and I want to take care of her. She needs someone to take care of her.
Maggie: No--she will not get married until she gets a job and a career.
Josh: So I have to wait?
Maggie: Till she gets a job and a career.
Josh tells Maggie he will push Leslie away and Maggie tells Josh that she'll have Leslie call him and...
Leslie calls him and he says, "_______________"
I think it's kind of like that in my book.
Cindy
Science Scholorship and Rick and stuff
I'm listening to Rick Springfield and I just wrote a volume on here and didn't realize there was an Internet quirk and hit "Publish" to find "Page can not be displayed." Shoot.
In the movie, it's going to show my cousin and I staying up and watching "Night Tracks," and waiting for Rick Springfield to come on---"It's Rick Springfield," we'll say.
I'm listening to Rick right now.
If I ever get out of this mess and stop living off a credit card and have a steady lucritive income, I am going to establish a Scholorship in my mother's name for students majoring in science or going into a scientific field.
I will re-type everything I just typed.
My mother was my greatest cheerleader. When I was in the 8th grade she "found fault" as she would say, with my Science Fair grade and evaluation and the science fair in general. She wrote in a letter to the principal, "I have a BA in biology and English, MA in education and zoology, and 59 Semester hours above the MA in Science, Science Education, Biology, Earth Science, and Education. I have taught ninth grade most of the time in Kentucky and Ohio. I have attended conferences on these subjects in many places and at various times. I have had much experience with science fairs as a judge, and a teacher, who knew what to do to get winners on school, system, regional level--whether it be in Kentucky or Ohio. See attached letters and documentation."
Here are letters from Universities wanting her to attend their Institutes.
From the National Science Teachers Assocation:
"Dear Ms, Taylor: We are pleased to inform you that you have been selected as an evaluator for the convention, We look forward to working with you in Washington. This is an important task and significant service to the National Teachers Association (NSTA), We welcome you as part of our NSTA Evaluation Team."
I remember when she did that. I was 4 but I remember. She also went to something in Georgia. She brought me back a Tshirt that said, "I'm a Georgia Peach."
From Indiana University:
"Dear Miss Boggs,
It affords me the great pleasure to advise you of your selection as a participant in the Earth Science Institute sponsored by the National Science Foundation at Indiana University from June 21 to August 12, 1971. Nearly 300 science teachers sought admission to this program." In the post I lost, I wrote out the whole thing. I will improvise. They wanted her to let them know if she would be there because there were Alternates in line for her place. The stipend would be $696.00 The letter was from "___________" an Associate Professor of Geology. I'm "funny" about using names here.
From The Ohio State University. She was an instructor at Morehead University and it was addressed to her at Morehead. My aunt went to Morehead and had a crush on a Prof. there that my mom knew. She failed his class and didn't mind.
"Miss Bernice Boggs
Morehead State University
Morhead, Kentucky 40351
Dear Miss Boggs:
We are pleased to inform you that you have been selected to be one of the participants in the History of Biology Summer Institute to be held at The Ohio State University June 17-July 27, 1968...." I'll end that there---more about wanting to know if she will accept or decline.
She accepted both of those opportunities.
And she was terminated in January of 1983 on grounds of incompetence, made to be subservient to people with less years of teaching and experience than her and be outcasted from the field she so loved and knew---Knew.
Smart woman.
Smart woman.
Smart woman.
I come from a smart woman but have done such stupid things. "josh" said I was smart---it's in the book. First guy to ever say that to me and the only. Oh well.
"But Sally has a hard time holding back. The alley to heart is a beaten track...We all need, the human touch."
I thought about how that song was so "ahead of the day" and somewhat prophetic. "People are talking to computers..." Wow.
Rick said a word that starts with an S and has the sound "it" in it at the concert. My aunt thought it was funny. We'll be out and driving along and she'll say, "______"
Cindy
In the movie, it's going to show my cousin and I staying up and watching "Night Tracks," and waiting for Rick Springfield to come on---"It's Rick Springfield," we'll say.
I'm listening to Rick right now.
If I ever get out of this mess and stop living off a credit card and have a steady lucritive income, I am going to establish a Scholorship in my mother's name for students majoring in science or going into a scientific field.
I will re-type everything I just typed.
My mother was my greatest cheerleader. When I was in the 8th grade she "found fault" as she would say, with my Science Fair grade and evaluation and the science fair in general. She wrote in a letter to the principal, "I have a BA in biology and English, MA in education and zoology, and 59 Semester hours above the MA in Science, Science Education, Biology, Earth Science, and Education. I have taught ninth grade most of the time in Kentucky and Ohio. I have attended conferences on these subjects in many places and at various times. I have had much experience with science fairs as a judge, and a teacher, who knew what to do to get winners on school, system, regional level--whether it be in Kentucky or Ohio. See attached letters and documentation."
Here are letters from Universities wanting her to attend their Institutes.
From the National Science Teachers Assocation:
"Dear Ms, Taylor: We are pleased to inform you that you have been selected as an evaluator for the convention, We look forward to working with you in Washington. This is an important task and significant service to the National Teachers Association (NSTA), We welcome you as part of our NSTA Evaluation Team."
I remember when she did that. I was 4 but I remember. She also went to something in Georgia. She brought me back a Tshirt that said, "I'm a Georgia Peach."
From Indiana University:
"Dear Miss Boggs,
It affords me the great pleasure to advise you of your selection as a participant in the Earth Science Institute sponsored by the National Science Foundation at Indiana University from June 21 to August 12, 1971. Nearly 300 science teachers sought admission to this program." In the post I lost, I wrote out the whole thing. I will improvise. They wanted her to let them know if she would be there because there were Alternates in line for her place. The stipend would be $696.00 The letter was from "___________" an Associate Professor of Geology. I'm "funny" about using names here.
From The Ohio State University. She was an instructor at Morehead University and it was addressed to her at Morehead. My aunt went to Morehead and had a crush on a Prof. there that my mom knew. She failed his class and didn't mind.
"Miss Bernice Boggs
Morehead State University
Morhead, Kentucky 40351
Dear Miss Boggs:
We are pleased to inform you that you have been selected to be one of the participants in the History of Biology Summer Institute to be held at The Ohio State University June 17-July 27, 1968...." I'll end that there---more about wanting to know if she will accept or decline.
She accepted both of those opportunities.
And she was terminated in January of 1983 on grounds of incompetence, made to be subservient to people with less years of teaching and experience than her and be outcasted from the field she so loved and knew---Knew.
Smart woman.
Smart woman.
Smart woman.
I come from a smart woman but have done such stupid things. "josh" said I was smart---it's in the book. First guy to ever say that to me and the only. Oh well.
"But Sally has a hard time holding back. The alley to heart is a beaten track...We all need, the human touch."
I thought about how that song was so "ahead of the day" and somewhat prophetic. "People are talking to computers..." Wow.
Rick said a word that starts with an S and has the sound "it" in it at the concert. My aunt thought it was funny. We'll be out and driving along and she'll say, "______"
Cindy
An un-clarity
There is an "un-clarity" in one or some of my previous posts. I think it's got the title, "Education and Book." I do maybe "ramble"--but I had so many thoughts bombarding me---"Josh" has always been a subject of mystery and "unsettledness" to me---
And I'm going to get off track here--I just looked outside and see how badly some bushes need trimmed---
He, "Josh" has been an issue of "un-settledness." The only way to think "straight" about him, is if I think about him in the book, but then, what All happened in the book didn't happen in real life.
Do you know what it's like to think or feel that there is "magic" between you and someone else? And, here I go with maybe some rambling or disconnect--but it can be debatable to people whether that "magic" existed and even to myself, once in awhile. I have "snapshots" in my mind and that's all I have,
And the "Josh" in the book is easier to understand. It's all nice and tidy and works out. He didn't just "go his way" and I "go mine."
Someone said a few months ago that I never got over him. At this point, it's all just like "mush" or a whole lot of things thrown in together. It's like a recipe, making cookies---a lot of things thrown in together. I don't know that "getting over" even applies now. I don't know that there's anything concrete enough to it now. It's kind of like a 3-D thing, where you're given a piece of paper and it looks like dots of color but when you put on the 3-D glasses you see an image--except I don't have those glasses and I don't know if I ever will.
It's difficult to get over someone or something when you never saw a sense to it and difficult when wonderinf if you anything wrong (AND not wanting to think that you did). I wondered if I was wrong in any way---wrong for my feelings for him and things I did to see him, "pursue" him---I wondered if I was in the wrong, and for so long tried not to talk about specifics to someone, about him. Tried to never get down to "brass tacks" as my beautiful mother would have said, with this person. Was like a big white elephant in the room. But, it's been a long time since the "Josh" thing happened---long time, yet it was all in the book, and the book has a happy ending and I'm good with that---I'm good with it. It needs a happy ending--"Billie"--aka Bernice Boggs Taylor--needed her daughter "Leslie" to have a happy ending, even if it's in book form, somewhat fictional form. It's a beautiful ending, and I've been trying to keep it a secret what happened in real life, until the Oprah show.
There's conflict and a state of hypocrisy and oxymornish things when I try to consider "Josh," yet he's an integral part of the book and was and has been, an integral part of my life. I do have a difficult time talking about him with clarity.
I don't fully believe my life is over, although I am having a difficult time of seeing a future--the dream keeps me going--but I want another happy ending. I want a happy ending that I don't have to make up. I want it and I need it and I do deserve it, because I'm Bernice Boggs Taylor's daughter.
I hope that I make something more of my life, for her though, because it seems I've spit in her face. She worked really, really hard and here I am, where I am.
It's all got to happen. Goodness has got to happen.
And I'm going to get off track here--I just looked outside and see how badly some bushes need trimmed---
He, "Josh" has been an issue of "un-settledness." The only way to think "straight" about him, is if I think about him in the book, but then, what All happened in the book didn't happen in real life.
Do you know what it's like to think or feel that there is "magic" between you and someone else? And, here I go with maybe some rambling or disconnect--but it can be debatable to people whether that "magic" existed and even to myself, once in awhile. I have "snapshots" in my mind and that's all I have,
And the "Josh" in the book is easier to understand. It's all nice and tidy and works out. He didn't just "go his way" and I "go mine."
Someone said a few months ago that I never got over him. At this point, it's all just like "mush" or a whole lot of things thrown in together. It's like a recipe, making cookies---a lot of things thrown in together. I don't know that "getting over" even applies now. I don't know that there's anything concrete enough to it now. It's kind of like a 3-D thing, where you're given a piece of paper and it looks like dots of color but when you put on the 3-D glasses you see an image--except I don't have those glasses and I don't know if I ever will.
It's difficult to get over someone or something when you never saw a sense to it and difficult when wonderinf if you anything wrong (AND not wanting to think that you did). I wondered if I was wrong in any way---wrong for my feelings for him and things I did to see him, "pursue" him---I wondered if I was in the wrong, and for so long tried not to talk about specifics to someone, about him. Tried to never get down to "brass tacks" as my beautiful mother would have said, with this person. Was like a big white elephant in the room. But, it's been a long time since the "Josh" thing happened---long time, yet it was all in the book, and the book has a happy ending and I'm good with that---I'm good with it. It needs a happy ending--"Billie"--aka Bernice Boggs Taylor--needed her daughter "Leslie" to have a happy ending, even if it's in book form, somewhat fictional form. It's a beautiful ending, and I've been trying to keep it a secret what happened in real life, until the Oprah show.
There's conflict and a state of hypocrisy and oxymornish things when I try to consider "Josh," yet he's an integral part of the book and was and has been, an integral part of my life. I do have a difficult time talking about him with clarity.
I don't fully believe my life is over, although I am having a difficult time of seeing a future--the dream keeps me going--but I want another happy ending. I want a happy ending that I don't have to make up. I want it and I need it and I do deserve it, because I'm Bernice Boggs Taylor's daughter.
I hope that I make something more of my life, for her though, because it seems I've spit in her face. She worked really, really hard and here I am, where I am.
It's all got to happen. Goodness has got to happen.
Jeff Stevens and Stanger
Ok--I'm sorry I forgot to say anything about this till now. Jeff Stevens rocked the house before Rick Springfield came out. Jeff and Stranger is/are great.
(80's music has a part in my book.)
Jeff is one of the nicest people in the world and everyone at Mix 107.7 in Dayton, Ohio is awesome.
Loved Stranger and the prelude to Rick Springfield. He should take Jeff on tour with him, but I think a lot of people in Dayton, OH who listen to Mix in the morning would miss him too much if Rick is always on tour.
It was great. It was truly a great experience. I saw Stranger at a place called JD Legends, which is located in my neighborhood, of sorts, a couple years ago. Told Jeff I listened to him every morning and he was gracious.
Loved it.
Cindy
(80's music has a part in my book.)
Jeff is one of the nicest people in the world and everyone at Mix 107.7 in Dayton, Ohio is awesome.
Loved Stranger and the prelude to Rick Springfield. He should take Jeff on tour with him, but I think a lot of people in Dayton, OH who listen to Mix in the morning would miss him too much if Rick is always on tour.
It was great. It was truly a great experience. I saw Stranger at a place called JD Legends, which is located in my neighborhood, of sorts, a couple years ago. Told Jeff I listened to him every morning and he was gracious.
Loved it.
Cindy
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Sending the video to ELLEN DeGeneres
I finally picked up the copies of the video I made of my mother in 1994 while she was in the hospital, for the most part.
I believe it shows her beauty and her strength.
There is a part in it where I ask her if I will "make it." And she replies, so emphatically and enthusiastically, "Yes, you will make it. I have no doubt that you will...." That was ever so clear to me, while looking around the area, not far from where I live, where "would be successful people live", while at the Rick Springfield concert. The concert area is a very upscale sort of area, and I felt so alone. I felt like everyone there had to be more successful than me. I also felt guilty for being there, that I should be at the restaurant, working, for almost nothing.
I'm sending Ellen a copy of a letter I left for someone I was "office temping" for, a letter where I think I sound professional. I wonder about my "professional tone" or lack thereof.
I have heard, "I'm sorry" in relation to something I was pursuing in the spring, and I am sure she can say, "I'm sorry," or have someone else say, "I'm sorry, but there's not any way to help." I hope not, though.
From my email, I hope she knows who I am and that I'm not a "freaky fan," but that I want and need help in getting my mother's story, our story out there in the most respectable and authentic of ways.
I don't have a career anymore and it doesn't feel I ever will again, and if I could use this time to work on this project with someone who does things like this, uh, makes movies, I suppose, that this unemployment hell would be for a good cause or reason. Everything would be right. As much as I've tried to get a job, this time should be worth something.
I hope Ellen hears me.
I do not like the way I look or sound on the video, but I was 19, and I had been going to the hospital, every day for over a month and the nurses kept the room open so I could use the bed for resting, hanging out, on the other side of her. I am not sure if she offically had a private room, but it was where I hung out. My mother, my rock, was dying and I didn't want it to happen and I tried to keep it from happening.
This video shows her beauty, strength, grace and love of people and love for me. I want the world to see it, in a way.
My uncle, whom I do not endorse the views of, is on at the end as is my aunt, whom I mention at times. It was before her stroke and she is doing something she probably shouldn't be since she's on camera.
I know Ellen doesn't make or produce movies but I know she helps people, and I need help.
Cindy
I believe it shows her beauty and her strength.
There is a part in it where I ask her if I will "make it." And she replies, so emphatically and enthusiastically, "Yes, you will make it. I have no doubt that you will...." That was ever so clear to me, while looking around the area, not far from where I live, where "would be successful people live", while at the Rick Springfield concert. The concert area is a very upscale sort of area, and I felt so alone. I felt like everyone there had to be more successful than me. I also felt guilty for being there, that I should be at the restaurant, working, for almost nothing.
I'm sending Ellen a copy of a letter I left for someone I was "office temping" for, a letter where I think I sound professional. I wonder about my "professional tone" or lack thereof.
I have heard, "I'm sorry" in relation to something I was pursuing in the spring, and I am sure she can say, "I'm sorry," or have someone else say, "I'm sorry, but there's not any way to help." I hope not, though.
From my email, I hope she knows who I am and that I'm not a "freaky fan," but that I want and need help in getting my mother's story, our story out there in the most respectable and authentic of ways.
I don't have a career anymore and it doesn't feel I ever will again, and if I could use this time to work on this project with someone who does things like this, uh, makes movies, I suppose, that this unemployment hell would be for a good cause or reason. Everything would be right. As much as I've tried to get a job, this time should be worth something.
I hope Ellen hears me.
I do not like the way I look or sound on the video, but I was 19, and I had been going to the hospital, every day for over a month and the nurses kept the room open so I could use the bed for resting, hanging out, on the other side of her. I am not sure if she offically had a private room, but it was where I hung out. My mother, my rock, was dying and I didn't want it to happen and I tried to keep it from happening.
This video shows her beauty, strength, grace and love of people and love for me. I want the world to see it, in a way.
My uncle, whom I do not endorse the views of, is on at the end as is my aunt, whom I mention at times. It was before her stroke and she is doing something she probably shouldn't be since she's on camera.
I know Ellen doesn't make or produce movies but I know she helps people, and I need help.
Cindy
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