Yesterday at the Fair

As far as I know, yesterday was my last day with the bathtub. The ad company doesn't want me working with anyone else besides them. I start at the ad company today.

I was at a county fair close to where "Josh" is from, from what I can surmize. I have a 99.9% belief that his parents live in the very same vicinity, and I believe I passed the road on which they live. If I could just "cut and paste" things from August till May, I would be so ultimately happy.

Being at the fair was difficult. Being at all of the fairs was difficult because of Fairs being a "people with people place," but this was the most difficult. I wondered if his parents were walking past me and the bathtub a couple of times. There is a mystery that will never be solved, at least to my satisfaction.

I was sleepy, and I wished I could go to his parents house when I left there, and take a nap. How I wished this job with the bathtub was just "extra" money and something to get me out of the house, because "Josh" would have a good job and I wouldn't have to be working.

The song by Garth Brooks, "That Ol' Wind" came to mind, and I saw "Josh" as the singer talked about in the song. I'm not sure where the "kid" fit into it, but "Josh" could sing. How he could sing. How he could sing and play the guitar.

When I worked at the mall with the bathtub, I have been stationed between the Franklin Covey store and a Lane Bryant store. There's a guy that works in the Franklin Covey store that looks like a guy I dated. In the book, the guy is "Chris." I've been slightly interested in the guy that works at Franklin Covey. I've had a feeling he's some years younger than me, and the Franklin Covey store has been a quick escape from the absolute boredom of sitting there and watching people go by. I wondered if I went out with him if it would turn out better than things did with "Chris." Well, I wanted to know how old the guy is, so I said, "How long have you had your philosophy degree?" (I found out he has a degree in philosophy. I guessed English and he said it was philosophy.) He said 2 years. So, by the looks of him, he would be 25. If I had said, "Oh, there's just 9 years between us," he would have thought I was interested or had taken a step beyond him standing in the Franklin Covey store and me sitting out in the middle of the mall with a bathtub.

That's what "Josh" said one time, except it was, "Oh, there's just 5 years between us." Not long after that, I had to try my initial "getting over him," because he threw me a sharp curve ball. I won't say what it was (it's in the book), but he threw me a sharp curve ball. I didn't see it coming.

And I start the new job today. I was going to say something about it but I don't feel like it at the moment. My aunt is also moving in tomorrow and I won't say a lot about that either, at the moment.

How sometimes, I just want to "find him" and ask how he could do it. I just want to "find him," the man that treated me with such kindness, and then slapped me in the face. I have had to think about calling a friend and having myself talked out of calling him recently, as I passed the exit where he lives. I have had to pretend there's a shield between my hands and the phone.

It wakes me up in the morning sometimes.

He was my softest place to fall, my softest place to fall, and then that rug was pulled out from under me.

I never, never, never, ever, got over being treated with such kindess and then being slapped in the face. Not literally was I slapped in the face but pretty darn near close to it.

Never gotten over it. If that makes me a "sore" loser, it makes me a "sore" loser. If it makes me lesser because I never "actualized it" in a way, it makes me "unactualized." If it makes me lesser of something in any way, it makes me lesser than something. I can't help it. There's something here that can not be bridged.

If there were words that I spoke that had anything to do with the way history progressed, if I could take them back, oh I would. Oh I would. To be where his wife is, today---I would. Oh I would---(the time is somehow wrong at the end of these posts)---at 5:32 am, August 19, I would.

Time does go on, but the things that happen in time remain.

Now, I don't want to seem all negative. There are things that people can put in the past and move on from, but the things that involve other people, in this way, like between "Josh" and me, are astronomical to move on from. Some things are just astronomical. It was easier to get over my mom dying, because I could see a physical sense to it. I didn't want her to live, hooked up to an IV forever. I didn't want her looking weak, forever. I could make sense of what happened, but this other thing--no. No.

Oh well, I will end this here.

Cindy