Something

I know this may not be understandable---but in that time from August till late May, I felt "at home" with "Josh." Hadn't seen him, but I can't really explain all that was going on. I felt safe and secure. In some way, I thought he was "around." I just couldn't see him. I felt he truly loved me. I know, I know how this/that must sound. I know. I just felt like some how, I was going to see him, and he wouldn't be married and he would be with me. I know---I can't explain a lot more. That period was the weirdest thing in the whole wide world, and somehow I made myself pick up real life in June. I haven't been living real life for very long and I'm trying with all my might and strength to be a productive person.

I'm tempted to feel that way again, but I won't. I know this time, that feeling has no sense of reality. I know there is no sense of reality to it---how it would be nice but it's not real. I'm out in the world, feeling alone but I know there are people that care.

I don't want to be "piled up" with my aunt forever---I want money. I want lots and lots of money and I want a new house and I want her to have a house. She hated leaving her house in Louisville and I want her to have a house, except be in this area. I want everything to be Ok. I just do. I can't help it. I want to find a man who "gets me." "Josh" got me for awhile. He "got me." He so "got me," and I want to be "gotten" again.

Cindy