I got a pep talk from someone tonight. A former math teacher. There are two former math teachers that have helped me immensely and there is an instructor in the mathematical field that I respect a lot. If I ever win the lottery of sorts and get on Oprah, I'm going to take them with me. I'm going to take a few more people, also. The one person who left a response post is one of those few people. I want the audience filled with people I know and love.
But, see, getting on Oprah is like winning the lottery.
It would be nice to hear I've won the lottery of sorts.
Mrs. E. gave me a pep talk.
She and the other math teacher have wanted me to try to be happy, even though this situation seems endless and hopeless. We had a talk about money and how some people never have it. We talked about options that I have.
It is so difficult though. It is so difficult.
When I told her that I'm 34 and never wanted in this position, or dreamed it, and what I DID dream, she said, "Only 34." "Only 34."
It is so difficult and that's all I can say. When she was telling me these things in a positive way, I wondered, "how?" How? How can I ever get over where I'm at---she talked about positivity, and I felt crummy for being so unpositive. I kept thinking about all the job openings I looked at and how I fit into none of them, really. Really--I mean, Really. There isn't a job description that really fits me outside of what I did for some years.
If I could write like this, live off my own words---wow. It would be great It would be Me. To live off my own words and feelings and thoughts.
But, that isn't out there. There's not the job listing, "Wanted: Cindy to write whatever she wants." That isn't out there, and it's not out there for her to tell her mother's story along with her own either.
It just isn't.
I lost a huge part of myself over this past year and especially now. Huge part of myself. Lost it. Lost it.
My house is small and my aunt wants to move all of her stuff in it, if she moves in. She says she's going to now and I shouldn't be irritated by it, but she did what she said and she said she'd tell me in August---which gives me little time to clear out my little house as much as possible.
I crave everything I don't have right now---crave a new house, a feeling of security when I go to sleep and wake up, a man---yes, a man who would "get" me, and peace. I have thought about God---I really have. I know I'm supposed to have faith, and my mother lived it and breathed it. Faith. I am sorry if I don't have it or enough of it. I know miraculous things happen when people have faith, but I know I don't have it, or enough of it. I know.
How it destroys me that my mom's life was about her love of the field of science and teaching it, and had to leave it, and I am having such a similar problem. I wanted to be like her in a way. I knew I couldn't be her, but how I wanted to walk in her good footsteps. How I wanted that and can't now.
Beautiful woman she was.
Cindy
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