And, today, worth reading

I didn't' have to go to McDs today. I called and they said I wasn't on the schedule.

I hate waking up or rather I should maybe say, I hate how it feels to wake up. I wonder, after I awake, I wonder, wonder if I will ever have a fulfillment. I wonder if I will have an income. I wonder if I will do anything fulfilling to have an income.

I hate the way I feel.

I have an interview with a coupon book publisher. I can't imagine doing that the rest of my life. I can't imagine. Actaully, thinking about it now, is reminiscent of that feeling I got of reading that manual at another interview--if eating, it would be sawdust. That's how I feel about it right now.

A preschool ( I believe it's a preschool) called today for me to interview. It's in the same town where "Josh" lives--I have wondered if maybe his kids go there and how that would be if they did or they started and I worked there. It hurts most all of the time I go to or pass that town. And I never forget how long ago it was. I never forget the time. Some part of this hurt has to do with me not "calling him" on what he said--not correcting him. Just standing there, and taking what he said and walking away.

I know my heart shouldn't hurt because of that, along with everything else, but it is, and I have a beautiful dog who is lying beside me and just rested her front paw on my foot.

How I don't understand anything that is happening or has just about ever happened in my life. How I don't understand---so many things I have " awakened" to or from in the past months. So many things to be awakened to--

I toss around the movie idea in my head, about my mom and the life---her life, our life, my life--I toss it around. Good idea, movie that wouldn't go over? Would people tell me, "Cindy, your mother was beautiful and led an amazing life but you need to let go of the things that happened. You just need to forgive and let it all go." Well, forgive on that---forgive on it. I live in the same town and have lived in the same town my whole life. I sat behind one of the "players" at a church and her brother in law owns the house next door to me. He's been very nice to fix things around my house (siding that had incessently fallen off). Very nice man. I think he was on the school board when my mom was "put out," and they knew each other. I have never brought up or conftronted anyone with what they did. I never do. I never do confront anyone with what they do. Nope. But forgive. Forgive---I lived over it, for years. Lived OVER everything. I just live Over stuff.

Movie---she's worthy of it. She is. People have had movies made about them before. This is a little different. There's a weave of fiction in it. ( If Josh and Leslie are included ) I've been wondering how to get it all in, in 2.5 hours. Story of amazing woman with a girl gets a guy theme. Would that go over? Would that go?

I wonder, and I sit here---feeling miserable. And I know, Mrs. E wants me to be happy. I watched this thing on ABC last night about medical mysteries or rarities. There was a man in Indonesia who had a horrid condition---that's all I'm going to say---it's gross what was going on with him---but I looked at the setting and looked at him and I tried to think, "Oh, things aren't so bad for me." I tried. I am trying to see I'll get through this.

I guess in my unemployed educational state, I shouldn't be looking at my mom's stuff, the papers, which look to be a study guide. One girl only got 23 of the 38 problems done, and she said at the top, "I tried, I worked hard." On the back of those papers which look to be study guides, there is this: ATOMIC BOMB, as a title.

1. The first atomic bomb exploded in 1945.
2. It changed the warfare for the future.
3. Old weapons were outdated.
4. Destruction destroys buildings far away.
5. Much heat is produced.
6. Radiation spreads out in all directions.
7. August 6, 1945 92,000 people were killed or missing.
8. August 9, 1945, 40,000 more were killed in equal amounts or missing.
9. World War II ended quickly
10. SALT--Strategic Arms Limitation Talks
11. concernig agreements from nuclear weapons.

SALT--she loved nonsense phrases or statements, acronyms. She always used them to help me remember things.

I think she was the best science teacher the district ever had. I think she was. I think she was.
She had a profound respect for history and I'm sure she brought that in as an enhancement to talking about nuclear energy. And she was incompetent. If they had only let her teach and supported her in difficult situations. If Only.

So tired about my life being about the If''s. So tired of it. "If only I had said," or "If only I hadn't said," or "If only she had had a colonoscopy," If----I so need some things, and how to get them, I do not know. I do not know.

Credit card companies are ringing the phone off the hook and I'm sitting here---looking at a student Science Report. This girl said she worked hard but forgot newspaper articles. My mom wrote, "ok," I think. The girl got a 115. It looks more like "On" 115. I'm hoping there was extra credit and the points were out of 100. At the top right hand corner it says, "Mrs. Taylor's class."

I found the Motherless Daughters book, by Hope Edelman. Her mother did die, July 12, but in year of 1981. She says, "I would like this to be a book about living. Even so, it begins with a death, my mother's, on July 12, 1981." I bawled when I read that, the first time, several weeks after my mom died. The next sentence is, "It had been sixteen months since the afternoon she returned from the doctor's office with the news of a malignancy in her breast, sixteen months of chemotherapy and CAT scancs and desperate attempts to hang on to the little rituals that amounted to a normal day." Yes. That is how it was with us, too. She was 17 when her mom died.

I may go back and forth between "mom" and "mother." Both words refer to the same woman--just because of formality or informality, I suppose.

I called her "mom."

I have two wonderful dogs here, taking an early afternoon nap. How I wish I could sleep as sweetly.

Someone, somewhere, help me get to a destination with this. Let all this be for a reason. God, let me find the reason.

Cindy