On yesterday

I was too tired to write yesterday.

Filled out paperwork at Subway. When the very nice manager gave me the papers I wanted to say, "I've seen these before."

Didn't think it would sound good though---I actually do try to think about what I say sometimes.

There is an opening in a neighboring district. I sent my resume. If I didn't have to be at McDs today (and they'll probably send me home because of overstaffing), I'd go over to that school and drop in on the principal. Some people would skip McDs alltogether, especially since they are quitting, but I won't do that. I refuse to get my hopes up, if I have any hopes anyway.

Mrs. E and I worked on clearing out my back bedroom so there will be room when/if my aunt moves in. Mrs. E strongly believes I should not work at Subway and try to substitute (fill in for teachers) here in a couple weeks when school starts. I have just been afraid I wouldn't be called enough. It's a risk. It's a risk.

In clearing things out, I realize how long ago 1998 was and how in 1998, everything was hopeful and I clearly thought I'd be like the better half of the population.

Back in 1998, laptops looked like skinny boxes. I had a laptop from back then. I also found business cards from when I worked with AFLAC. Business cards as prospects.

Everything in my back bedroom was something in its place. The back bedroom was my "memorabilia" room with a bed in it.

Reba McIntyre sings a song, "I guess the world aint gonna stop, for my broken heart." Can't seem to work in a school full time or be wanted full time and have that "togetherness" feeling going on, let alone the paycheck. I am in utter something that rhymes with bell and the world aint gonna stop for it.

Mrs. E tells me I should be more positive. I will attract positive things if I'm more positive. I'm sorry--I'm very sorry, but it's very difficult. It's very difficult when all you read on job postings or get out of job postings is, "I can't do that, and I can't do that and that's not me." And there isn't a job that says, "Wanted: CINDY TAYLOR" A confidant says that will happen, that there is a job looking for me.

I was at the mall last night with the bathtub (I work part time for a bathtub remodeling company) and I am amazed at all the in love couples in the world. Two or three passed holding hands, and that's excluding the teenagers. Amazed.

I'm also amazed at the couples with kids who aren't married. They look married but when you look at their left hand, 4th finger, there's no ring.

I'm trying to not get irritated that my aunt didn't tell me till now she was moving in---I guess I should have been clearing stuff out for just in case but...

She wants to move her whole apartment in my house and that is like trying to fit 16 oz of something into an 8 0z glass.

This is something that rhymes with bell.

I have to be at McDs at 8 am and it's 7:08 now. I hope somehow the burn on my middle finger doesn't scar but it probably will.

Ellen DeGeneres should have a copy of the video I made of my mom and my emails. I hope it's not like winning the lottery to have people there look at your stuff. I know she's a happy, upbeat person and I know I'm not the like, at the moment, and even if I won the lottery in many ways, I think it would take some time to get over everything I've been through.

My mother said in that video that she wanted me to find something to do that didn't have a lot of stress, that was legal and could make money in life. Oh, where and what is that? She knew the stress of the educational system and I think she may have wanted me to avoid it, but I went full throttle into it anyway.

I have a heart, and mind, and I have a voice. I have a VOICE----just how can I use them? How?

Cindy