To have told him I loved him

I wish I would have told him I loved him. I wish I could say now, "I loved you." How I wish---God, how I wish. I loved him.

Just to say it---when he said what he saing should have said, "But I love you." Oh, GOD----I'm going through hell---my house is junked up, people say it smells and I can't tell, and I depleated my savings because of my pursuit of education. And, I am starting to work at a place where I don't feel I belong at all.

I actually have a meeting at a charter school Thursday--was supposed to be today but I changed it--and I think they want me to teach computer technology and Physical Education---both which I know nothing about---I know how to use the internet and I know MS Word, with some powerpoint.

I'd do it though. I want to be in a school so badly---I could have them do aerobics by video and teach them what little I know about the computer. I could teach typing.

I digressed from my title---How I wish he could be my soft place to fall right now. He always was my soft place to fall. He had the kindest voice and the kindest eyes and the most empathy I've ever known in a person. So much empathy---and see, that's why it never made sense, what he said. That's why, it never, ever made sense.

Oh God---let me have my heart wish.

Cindy