At this moment

I dreamed about my mom last night or this morning. I dreamed I ran into someone at the mall I haven't seen in a long time but respect and I introduced my mom to her. My mom had that full smile on her face that could light up the world.

My mom supposedly had a sigmoidscopy in July of 1991, I think---and then, 6 months later, stage IV colon cancer. The sigmoidcopy was given the the family doctor---I am not sure how that happened---as time has gone on and I've become educated about "scopies" I wouldn't think a general practicioner could give a sigmoidscopy. Sigmoidcopies go halfway into the colon, not all the way like a Colonoscopy. I have wondered about the quality of her "scopy."

6 months later---full blown, stage IV colon cancer.

How?

I have wondered if she would have found anything to do, if she had lived. I wonder. I wonder if she could have broken through her own threshold.

I have applied for over 30 jobs last night and this morning. How many of them I could actually do is debateable. Everything right now is debateable. I have to get started on something that pays over $8 an hour, this week. I have to. I have to.

This is horrible. Unbearable.

I am not sure how I have always thought on the "sunny side up" of things. I do not know. I didn't think my mom would die, from the start. It scared me, badly, but I neighsayed her dying. I thought she could "beat it." I thought a guy that dissed me wasn't really dissing me. I thought that I would be able to make a living like everyone else and was making a living like everyone else---on a psychology degree and have a career in educaiton. I thought I would be working with people and kids and people and kids---I thought I'd be able to keep up with everyone---and here I am---I flunked without my mother telling me what to do.

I thought on the "Sunny-Side Up" way for so long, until now. Until now--oh yeah, I want a movie made about that phenomenal woman who was in my life--sweet, beautiful, intelligent woman. That's still a "Sunny-Side Up" thought but how it will ever happen, I don't know. I'm not counting on it---just putting it out there. I think I'm going to send Oprah this blog web address again. If I had really been thinking Sunny Side Up I probably would have sent her a copy of the video even though it says they don't accept postal mail anymore.

I have a beautiful dog, Maggie, lying here in bed. She was snoring earlier. She can really snore. Babe doesn't think it's time to get up either. It's 9:30 am.

I applied at Subway last night. It Galls ME. GALLS ME I'd be working 10 pm to 6 am. It's at the Truck Stop Pilot center. I am galled---if someone doesn't know what gall means, it means to injure, fret, annoy--things like that. But, it's not quite a good enough word.

It injures me.

So many things to do and I can't do anything, really.

Where do I go to be who I am?

I want to make money but not be in anyone's business and no one be in my business. That's all I want, and I want to be able to wake up without this fear and go to sleep without fear and watch TV and just not fear---NOT FEAR. God---

God.