Letter to Josh's mom

I have to make this quick---I have to leave here at 4, and it's 3:30, no matter what it says at the end of this post.

I wrote Josh's mom a couple of letters in the past but never sent them. He said he had good parents, and I felt a connection when he said that----and I wanted to tell her she had a fine son, and that I loved him. I fell in love with him. I didn't think she could blame me for it.

From all outward appearances, I would have to say Josh is happy. I would have to say he's happily married, even though what happened between us was the most powerful thing in my life and he said what he said with what seemed forced belief in his voice. I have to believe he's happy and I have tried for years to respect that. I have tried to respect his happiness. I tried to tell him the last time I saw him that all I wanted was for him to be happy, and trying to forget that it would make me sad. True love, though, is being happy for someone you love and if they have what makes them happy, being happy for their happiness, even if it does make you sad.

That's all I'll say here. If God could wave a magic wand and make everything Ok---right the way I always innately needed it, oh, how it would be salvation. Not sure if I posted the poem that talks about salvation, being pulled back from the brink, but if I could have that. If I could have that.

Oh, Jesus is my personal savior, but there's another salvataion that I need.

I want to send her a letter and give her this blog address.

I'm far away from things that feel safe and right and innately needed. I feel so far away from those things.

But I have to end this here and get ready to leave for an interview with a school.

Cindy