The Shampoo I Used

I am afraid if I don't write about this now, I won't.

There was a shampoo I used that spring-summer of 1994. It was from Revlon, and it had a particular scent. It had a particular scent and the hospital had a particlar scent. They were Good scents---really, very good scents but they would intermingle with the time and the mood, of trying to remain positive in spite of my mother's imminent death. She was still sitting up and talking and moving about as much as she could with the IV thing---She was still sitting Up, straight, and I'd go to the hospital every day.

I will always remember those two scents.

And to think back, when I "knew" "Josh"---my ability to say I knew him has been forever and irrevocably altered---it was amazing I could do what I did. It was amazing I could look around and outside of what I had been through a few years before---there was the guy that we maybe, perhaps, had our future changed because of---but he was not the love of my life. If I say "Josh" was the love of my life, I'd be perhaps cheating myself---but I felt he "got me." He "Got Me." HE "GOT ME," for a time, and all I want and have ever wanted was to be "gotten," by a man.

I never really lost the ability to have a "Crush" on a guy or think about a guy after my mom died. I met the guy that I said I thought was the "love of my life," right after my mom died, and when I met "Josh," the thought of the other guy flew out the window. The thought of him just Flew Out The Window, when "Josh" walked in.

I am going to meet a dear friend who put the one and only reply post that I know of on here in a few minutes. I need to get ready and actually put on some make up. I only wear make up because I have to--thinking people will be more apt to stop and ask about the bathtub, when I sit with the bathtub. BUT, I do not know how to reconcile "Josh." I do not know. I can see him, in my mind, with his wife and kids. I see him like that. A seperate person who denied me an existence. I see that. Sometimes when I wake up in the mornings. I see it. My heart knows it but doesn't yet want to. It does. No doubt. But a part of me doesn't want to. It wants to believe what it believed for some time, not too long ago.

Oh God---and I almost wanted to make that a little G---Oh God---make something right. Make something right.

Cindy