see you later

This is all in the book---just about everything I've said is in the book, but the last time I saw "Josh," he said, "See you later." I will tell you, he "dissed" me--he excused me from his world or denied me his world---that's all I WILL SAY. I'm not going to throw out the exact words, because I'm saving them for Oprah, but the last thing he said was, "See you later."

I walked away shaking my head---thinking, "No, I'll not see him later." How could I see him later when he just said what he said? Why would he say, "See you later?" It haunted me. It haunted me for years.

Every time I would leave the place where we always met, he'd say, "See you later." He'd walk me to the door and say, in a heartfelt and sometimes quivering voice, "See you later."

And how I could cry right now---if I could just have the guy in front of me.

I screwed something up with the new job---I had to take yesterday off to be here when people were in my house and make sure everything that needed to be done got done (which is really making more of myself than I am---I haven't been good at all about getting anything done), and I had a digestive issue this morning and asked if I could come in at noon, today. She said, "yes" this morning (she being the manager), but as I was getting ready to go she called and we talked. Kind of like the talk I had with the manager who screwed up my notice at Frisch's (I did't say I wanted my last day to be my last day but she made it sound like it was all good if it was). Well, one time she and I had a talk and we talked about how I wasn't really into the waitressing. I said my heart was in education---this woman at the new job was worried I wasn't into this---and I said, as I always say, "My heart is in education." She wants me to think about it and call her Friday.

I don't know where my brain is---I don't knowwhere anything is. I always imagine the intereview with the person who got the job I didn't get---and I wonder how they were better than me or maybe I should say, everyone else that intereviewed.

Josh said I should be a writer. I told him I wanted to and he said, "You should. You'd be good at it." He smiled as he said it. He said it proudly. I've tried.

It seems like everything I've ever wanted and in an internal way, needed, I can't have at the moment.

Cindy