To have told him I loved him

I wish I would have told him I loved him. I wish I could say that now, "I loved you."

So, I got another job.  Not one to replace Dominos but in addition.  I am taking call surveys.  Taking calls for responder surveys.  It's in a town called Milford.  My cousin's ex/current/ex, I don't know boyfriend is going to work there too.  It's about a 40-minute drive.  

That should help with the bills but the gasoline cost.  I'm a little worried about the gasoline cost.

I had an opportunity to long-term sub for an Intervention Specialist (special education teacher) and I shadowed her, but I didn't feel comfortable in the role.  I also was offered the other job.

I worked at Fairfield High School last year, and I feel that was my last "Harah" in the Special Education arena.

I forgot I had to shadow the teacher yesterday, and thank goodness my alarm went off.  I worked late and went to sleep late, so I slept A LOT last night.  Went to sleep around 7 pm and slept till 11 am, when Joe got me up.  Joe's my dog, in case you don't know.

Looks like a lot of my sentences start with "I."

Looks like I lost an additional friend.  I emailed her about our lapse in communication and said I was sorry for whatever caused the lapse, or so, and I never heard from her.  I ran into her once A LONG TIME AGO and I couldn't go into all the stuff I had been through up to that point, but I have a feeling it was over the schizophrenia (whatever!) stuff.  I had told her about the hearing things, when it initially started, and she said it sounded like schizophrenia.  Something, I don't know what, happened after that.  I tried talking to her on the phone in 2009, and she sounded really despondent, if that's the word.  

She was the only person who commented on my initial blogs.

I"m just tired.  I want a new house or I want this house fixed up to where I feel it's a home.

I need like 3 storage units.  I don't get rid of stuff cause I know that one day I will get out of this situation and there will be a place for some stuff.

I think I said "stuff" 5 times already but oh, well.

Oh, General Hospital.

The lives the "people" lead.

Jason wasn't really Jason when "he" came back.  Sam had a baby by another man, thinking he was Jason.  I was hoping Steve Burton would come back as the current Jason, as they weren't showing his face for awhile.  Interesting twist, it would have been, although I like the guy playing the current Jason, known Jason.

As I said before, I watch the shows on HGTV, and I wonder how I will ever get to be able to have a new house, and I wonder how the people buying houses/and fixing up those houses, can have the ability to do so.  I wonder.  I wonder.  I wonder.  Why, when I started at AFLAC in 1998, didn't everyone I talked to on the phone, to set up appointments, say, "Hey, come on in. I'd love to meet with you next week."    Oh my God, Why?    Why, then, if I met with them, would they have not said, "Oh, yes.  I'd love to offer those benefits to the employees.  Let's do it next week."

Oh my God.

God.

My life has been a wreck.  I complete wreck.  A train wreck (why do we compare disasters to train wrecks?).

I don't get it.  I just don't get it.  I'm 43 now.   If a movie is made about my mom, I don't want it to be about me meeting a guy.  I don't want that included.  I don't want the rest of my life included.  I want it to be left when I was 19 and going to college in the early days, and that is all.  That's all.

Dreams about my mom---I dream about my mom.  Mostly, now, I dream that we are having money problems.  Sad.  Really sad. Horrible that I have to dream about that.  Used to dream she was insanely angry at me but thank goodnesss, I haven't had any of those dreams lately.  In good dreams I've had, we go out to eat, we do things that would be normal that we would do or had done.

I'm sick and I'm tired.  Probably said that a lot but I have to keep going.

Please Read. September 2017. Long Over Due Updates.

Oh, the naive person I was when I wrote all these things on this blog.  It's been 10 years since I started this blog, and I think 2 people read it.  All I have been through.  I can't believe all I have been through and that my life has gone the way it has---

Something I didn't say when I started this blog, is that I was hearing things.  I was hearing things as I started this blog. I started hearing people not in the room talking to me in the summer of 2007.  I could write a book about the start of this and up to now, and I wish someone would help me do that---It would be a big chore, but I think it needs to be done.  I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, but I walk around knowing it's not that disease, and I know I sound schizophrenic if I say I know it's not schizophrenia but here I go.  It's because of this guy I went out with one time in 1996.  I said "no" to a second date and he at some point found a way through something to do with a satellite, to make me hear things.  I know how that sounds.

I never met Oprah.  Her show ended.  Why did I want to be on Oprah, anyway????

I almost lost my house.

I lost friends.

I struggle today with severe fatigue and sleepiness while I TRY to work.  Got a job at Dominos Pizza in Franklin, where I live, delivering pizzas.  Dominos is the hardest job since trying to work at a factory.  The pizza bags are heavy, it's boring, and just exhausting.

Just wish some people would read this.

Oh, I was so full of hope when I started this blog.

I am trying to start a new blog, new re-creation but I'm having problems finding the correct space on the web---website, etc.

I lost two special aunts and pets.  Special pets passed away, and some with sad stories of how they passed.

I lost parts of myself and my life. Lost parts.

I am trying to get out of working two jobs.  Trying to substitute teach (In Case I Don't Mention it or Haven't Mentioned It).  I've only done it twice this month.  Only Twice.  Was supposed to 3 times a week to handle the new car, other needs, etc.

I am creative.

My house needs to be fixed up, badly.  I need help with my house---need to turn my family room into a dining room, my garage into a family room and need new cabinets in my kitchen.  I need flooring.  I need paint.  I need extra space.

My cousin and her boyfriend/ex-boyfriend moved in.

IF I EVER GET OUT OF THE HELL I'M LIVING IN, I WANT TO DO THESE THINGS:

Start a vet clinic for people who can't pay for their pets' medical care, perhaps be a charitable entity. People who just want to support it can come, too, and make donations for care.

Start an organization that fixes up people's houses, people who can't afford to because of lack of income or reasonable debts, hardships.

Start a foundation to pay people's mortgages or rent or pay off mortgages if hardship is shown.

This goes along with previous thought---start a movement and foundation for vets who have patient parents that can't pay.

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I've experienced a need in all the previous thoughts---had problems getting vets to care for my pets when I had very little income.  I finally found one vet who would let me pay on a monthly basis, and I will be forever grateful.

My house has fallen into disrepair, and I know the toll it takes on someone to live in a place that does not look like a home.

I wanted to start the Paying Off People's Mortgages at the start of this blog. Don't know if I talked about it.  I was going to do it through a product called VEMMA.

__________________________________________________________________________

I live in some physical and emotional pain.  I was supposed to start subbing (substitute teaching) this month (September of 2017) but I haven't.  I've only worked at Domino's.  (Subbed twice).

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My special education teaching license expired and I took 12 hours at Xavier University, in Cincinnati, last year to renew that license.  I don't want to do the teaching job full time, now.

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I bought a new car but if I don't start working more or something, I could be in danger of losing it or the house.  I needed a new car.  My other car has had many problems but I kept it because it's paid for and in case I lose this one.  It also is good to take my dog to the vet in it.  It fits the kennel I have to put him in--he doesn't travel well.  He is a Schi Zhu--Joe.

_____________________________________________________________________________

I shouldn't have a mortgage.  It's a shameful thing in my life.  My mother passed in 1993 and left me a paid off house.  I made some financial mistakes and mortgaged my paid off house.
_____________________________________________________________________________

I patched things up with my uncle.

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What do I like?  What are hobbies?

I like/love coffee.  I love the HGTV shows and I watch as I drink my coffee mid-morning and covet the home improvements and covet new houses people will buy.

I watch YouTube videos of people putting on make up.  It's relaxing and intriguing for me.  I have a big stash of it myself, and I've spent saved money on it.  Probably not very wise expenditures but I consider it a way to get some happiness in life.  I love makeup.

I come up with ideas that I wish I could execute, like above, but I can't do anything.  I feel blocked and silenced in a way---I feel helpless---totally, completely helpless.

I've been knocked down so many times and I get up.  Somehow, I get up.  But, I"m tired.  I'm tired.

I love Anne Lamott books.  One late summer, into fall, I read one of her books, while sitting on my back patio.  I was waiting on Save The Dream, which made my mortgage payments for a while, to come through.  The scenery was so serene--my little Rat Terrier would lie on the patio, I'd sit in a chair and I would drink coffee, reading her book.

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Maybe I will write more, later, but I feel this site is junked up.  Badly.

The Story of my Life, Chapter 2

My mom tried to stay on good terms with my dad's family.  I had an aunt Robin, aunt Rosie, aunt Jane, aunt Johanna, aunt Betty, and aunt Mary.  I also had an uncle Bob, uncle George, uncle Bill and uncle Donnie. Rosie, Jane and Johanna lived together at 618 Anderson Street in Franklin and Robin lived up the street, on Union Rd.  Robin had a special place in the family, often consulted on major and minor matters by Rosie, Johanna and Jane.  Robin was the next to oldest.  She had graduated from high school and held a job at the telephone company, from which she retired.

My three aunts (Rosie, Jane and Johanna) cared for me while my mother taught school and they lived right around the corner from the school.  Jane would come out to my house and talk to my mom in the mornings and pick up things around the house, minor house cleaning, after my mom would go to school, then I would get up and she'd take me "down to the house."   They were so good.  So good.  I had a charmed life.  I would sometimes walk to Robin's under the careful watch of my other aunts or sometimes walk to the grocery with Johanna or Donnie, who would visit, always being asked, "now, what do you want?"  My mother would pick me up, promptly after school and we would go home.

When I began kindergarten, my mother had me go to Anthony Wayne Elementary School, closest to my aunt's house.  I got on the bus at noon and she would pick me up after school.  I hated kindergarten.  Cried almost every day and begged by Rosie to stop crying.  "It hurt her ears and got on her nerves."

In first grade, I went to George H. Gerke Elementary, closer to my house and where my neighborhood friends went.  I went there in second grade, also.

But in third grade, my mother sent me to Middletown Christian, because something horrible happened at her school.  She was unjustifiably fired in the middle of the year, 1982-83 school year.  She was said to be "incompetent," but that was far from the truth.  I know I could be biased in my opinion, because I'm her daughter, but it was far, far from the truth.  I heard about her teaching, witnessed her persona which was reality, saw former students talk to her---I knew she wasn't incompetent.

The Story of my Life, Chapter 1

I want to write the story of my life, and I am thinking about starting Here, on this blog.

I want to be heard, and I want to talk.  I think my Talking is the only way I'm going survive the next 15 months (when the program, Save the Dream, stops making my mortgage payments). 

There's a Stuart Smalley quote, "I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me!" and this is how I feel, and it gives me inspiration to try to Get Myself Out There. 

This blog says a lot about me, but not my past, and not enough about my Present.  This is my attempt to get something out there, and if a lot of people could refer what they read to everyone they know, I'd appreciate it.  I want to be known.  (If Google's Blogger Statistics are true, it seems that 700 people have viewed my posts in Russia and Europe, but none in the US.  Pass this on, and don't pay much attention to my early posts.  They are really very stupid)

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My name is Cindy, although, on my birth certificate, it says, "Katherine Lucinda Taylor."  I went through school having to explain why I was called Cindy, when my first name is Katherine.  "My middle name is Lucinda, and that's how I get Cindy."   I was born on November 20th, 1974, at the Jewish Hospital in Cincinnati, Ohio.  I live in Franklin, Ohio and have my whole life.  And, I'm 39.

I was an only child, to a beautiful, incredibly smart and wise woman, Bernice Yvnonne Boggs Taylor.  She was from Harlan, Kentucky.  I spent many vacations in Harlan, and I have solid memories of it.  I feel as if it were a second home.  My mom knew people and people knew her.  She knew people well, and I loved seeing her meet some of them and talk to them.  I could tell there was a past, but somehow the past wasn't really past.  It was as if she was grounded there, and I know she was.  It was her grounding.  It was her home.  It was belonging.  Kind of like the "Cheers" theme song, "where everybody knows your name."

She almost didn't go to college.  Her self esteem was lacking and she felt tied to her family and the demands of being the oldest child and oldest sibling.  House chores were her job and always had been, as my grandmother was a school teacher, coming from Illinois on mission work to the hills of Kentucky to teach the Appalachian people.  My grandmother worked all the time and went to college to complete her own school work.  My mother cared for my aunt, who was nine years younger than her, My mother was two years older than her brother.  My grandmother left my mother in charge of everything, except discipline of my aunt.  She fought with my aunt over her taking a bath and would have to drag Cleta to Aunt Artie's house to take a bath, and Artie would have to bribe my aunt or prod her, to take a bath.  My grandfather was a work horse, who started out in the coal mines and then, later to a lumberyard and a bakery.  He was a very kind man, sweet and sincere.  I loved my grandfather and my grandmother.

My mother made excellent grades, and a college recruiter from Union College came to their house and sat on the front porch and persuaded my mom to go to college.  She excelled, too, at Union, majoring in biology.  She graduated and went straight to the University of Kentucky where she obtained her Masters degree in Education, in 1959.  Extraordinary woman.

She was a brunet and had such a unique color of brown eyes---I don't even know if brown was the color.  Light, light brown, with (a color I can't remember) hue around the pupil.  Voluptuous lips.  A small space between her two front teeth.  Hair worn as a shampoo and roller set most of her life.  Beautiful woman.

She became engaged to a professor from the University of Kentucky, but my grandmother and the family was kind of ignorant at the time (1950's, 60's) and had her break off the engagement to him, as he was from India, and said that if she did not, she would be disowned.  It was a painful decision, but she did so.  She sent his ring back to him from Franklin, Ohio, where he had helped her find a job, her first job.

She taught in Harlan and pursued extra courses in Science around the southern area of the country and Ohio State.  She made many friends, and kept in touch with them, until her death in 1994. She would also come back to teach in Franklin, and in 1972, decided to make Franklin her new home, her new grounding.

One day, she was having a meal at a restaurant called Jerry's, a restaurant across the street from where she rented a room, in a house owned by Bernie Culp, a long standing member of the Franklin community.  The waitress told her that a gentleman was asking about her.  My mom told the waitress she would be sitting across the street on the porch if he wanted to join her when she got done eating.  He joined her and she found he was divorced.  She said she wouldn't see him until he produced divorce papers, and he did.  They started to see each other.  He came from a large family in town and she had a difficult time keeping everyone's names straight, as everyone had nicknames.  He owned a lawn care business and had just moved back to Franklin from Washington state, where he had relocated with a family.  He left the family behind.

My mom and dad were married November 2, 1973.  He wanted to renovate houses and sell them for profit, and they moved into one of those houses after they were married.  It was not in good condition. and my mom was not happy with the conditions.  She had just gotten married and was living in this crappy house.  She found out in March of 1974 that she was pregnant with me, amidst ill affairs between my dad and his sisters.  The business was failing and he was having problems with men that worked for him (who also were co-workers of my mom's).  He didn't have the money to send to his children in Washington state and was no longer speaking to his sisters.

One July, Sunday evening, he and my mom were on their way to a second job of his, which he took over from my uncle who had passed, and he talked almost prophetically that he was going to die.  "If anything ever happens to me, don't go back to Kentucky to live.  That baby is going to be close to your heart."  He was a janitor for a bank in town and he went outside to trim the hedges around a pool of water and never returned inside.  My mom waited inside the bank and she decided to go check on him.  She found him lying down.  She called the police.  He was dead.  She stopped by my aunts' house to tell them the news.  "He's gone," she said.  "Oh, he's just blowing off steam.  He'll be back," they said.  "No, he's dead," she clarified.  He had the wallet on him and they were going to put gasoline in the car on the way back to the house, which was in Middletown, so one of my aunts went with her to the gas station and paid for the gasoline and went on with her to the hospital. 

I was born in November.

Here at McDonalds (again), but I can type, or at least I think.   Clipped my nails and filed them.  Yay.

So, I can type.

I'm out later than usual.  Tried to take a couple naps.  Let Janie the dog see the sun go down before putting her up in the bathroom, which I usually do before leaving the house.

Life, life, life.

It's got to get better.

So, I'm just sitting here, watching the Fox station that they have on here at McDonalds and listening to the music they have going---Serious XM???   Something like that.

Huckabee program on.


I miss the more than 3 channel tv, and I hate most of what is on it.  I'm a prude now, I guess.  Undercover Boss episode last night had no over-cover on the girls on it last night.   I can't believe it was on CBS.  I would classify it as minor porn.  But, there's a restaurant where women/girls walk around with their chests hanging out, or what is on their chests, and there's nothing wrong with it.  Wow.  The other night, on the Big Bang Theory, you could see almost down this girl's shirt.  Basically, what was on Undercover Boss.  Except they were just hanging.   More than I care to see, and I don't know why there's "nothing wrong with it."  Someone, tell me.

I love McDonalds food and that is so bad.  I love French fries.  I love their Grilled Chicken McWraps.  There must be a ton of salt in the Wraps because they are so good.

I only try to come to McD's once a week, but as you can tell from, "Just sitting here at McDonalds" all the time, I've been here more than once a week.  Trying to deal with it in the budget, too.

I had a coupon for "Buy a McWrap and get a free fry and drink."

Something very interesting happened last week but I'm afraid to write about it publicly.  I got propositioned by a married man and it had been ensuing for about 14 years.  There's more to say but I won't.

I could eat a couple more things.

Could talk about my best friend I lost.  I called her sister more than a month ago, and I pried into about Luann.  She told me that they were on a trip cause Luann and her husband were buying and selling cars.  On their way to buy a car.   Then, I had a friend call her sister and see what happened with me and Luann.  She said something about what I perceived as Luann not wanting her kids around me.  That Luann was homeschooling her kids and she herself had some problems Luann was helping with--that she didn't have time or something like that for me.

Hurts.  Hurt. 

Trying to be thankful for what and who I have.  So, here I sit.  I've got a coupon for "Buy and McCafe drink, get one free," and I'm thinking about that.  Maybe get them in the drive through and sit outside and drink them.  A Small one, I would get.

Well, later.

At the meeting place

Well, I'm at the meeting place now.   I think I'm just going to sit and relax for a few minutes.

How I need a manicure.  Need my nails trimmed/cut and filed.  I hate typing.

It's about 1:40 as I begin to write, or "relax."

Something that bugs me about the job program (is that the title I gave it, described it  a couple minutes ago?)  is that I don't know anything really specific, and this subject interrupts my "relaxing," but thought I'd say it.  I don't know how exactly---there's an agency that goes along with the agency and "helps" me find a job, I think.  Mark, my Case Worker, pulls up openings though on websites, sometimes, and tries to propel me to go out on my own and get a job.  I'm looking for things in the Human Services field, because I have a degree in Psychology and almost a Masters in Special Education.  The woman that is involved with the Job Program suggested MR/DD, which has been changed to just Developmental Disabilities.  It's nice those first two letters got dropped---the MR.

15 till 2:00.

Well, I am going to close and yes, try to relax. 

Just sitting here at McDonalds.  Have a meeting with a friend at 2:00.  It's around 12:42 as I start to write this.  Got time on my hands, as is obvious.  Obvious in another way.  All I have now is Time.

Those two people who didn't email me back emailed me back.  Good.

I am accepting the "schizophrenia" diagnosis, because I need help, and it helps me get help.   I have a Case Worker who helps and I just met with him.  I'm trying to get involved with a program that will help me get a job.  It's frustrating.   It's a process--the program.   Mark, my Case Manager, thinks I can get a job easily and be gainfully employed.

I'm in counseling.

I feel life is hopeless but I have no choice but to keep going.

I need to clip my nails and file them, but I dread doing that.  A manicure would be nice, though I don't want to spend the money on it.  It's a little difficult to type.

Did I say anything yet about the stupid thing I did in mortgaging a paid off house?  Perhaps I don't feel like going into that right now.

I may sign this off now and be on my way and bring back it back up when I get to my meeting place.

So, I'm sitting at McDonalds at the moment.   Blank page, looking at the Blog Screen.   That Blank page makes it difficult to know what to say, in a way.

I miss my friend.  Did I mention I lost a friend?   Best friend.   Talked every day, almost.  When life was good.   I can't believe the things that have happened.   Can't believe it/them.

Not sure if anything I've said on this Blog, of Everything, makes any sense.

I am going to be on a very fixed income soon.   Very fixed.

I've been reading a great book by an author named Anne Lamott.  Grace Eventually is the title of the book.   I love how she writes.   I hope to be able to write that way some day.  I could go on in volumes of how I love how she writes.  I bought the book, lost the book and found the book.  I was greatly perplexed when I lost the book and very grateful when I found it.   She writes so honestly.  Honestly.  I love that!  The book is separated in sections and incidents in her life with her perspective or is it perspectives---Her thoughts.  So great to read.

I need to meet with someone who's going to look at my budget with me in a few minutes.  I left my cell phone at home, as I've been doing, and I'd like to call and let her know I'm on my way, but, oh well.

Yep, miss my friend.   I think about things we'd talk about, things that confuse me and maybe her.  It was that the things that confused me, confused her, and the things that confused her, confused me.  How I miss that, being able to talk about those things.   Maybe this is going to be an " I Miss Luann blog" now.   Luann.

I wish I had internet connection at the place I live, because to me, blogging is something you do when it "hits" you to do it, not making time for it, or "I have the time now," kind of thing.

I don't get "hash-tags," number/pound signs before titles of things on TV.  I think she'd have the same confusion or answer to it.  She sometimes had answers for my confusions.

Did I say she was my Best Friend?   She was.  She was my Best Friend.

Two people I've emailed haven't emailed me back.  Hope I didn't make a fool of myself in any way.

I miss Luann. 

I sent her a letter, inspired by something Anne Lamott did, when Anne lost a friend.  

I need to meet people.  

Miss Luann.

May not seem like it, as I've said, "I miss Luann," several times, but I think my anti-depressant is starting to work.  I feel differently when I say, "I miss Luann."  Sort of not as sad, although that doesn't make sense.  It's like I'm just "saying it."

But I'll say it again, I miss Luann.    I remember one time I had kind of lost touch with her and called when things in my life had gone bad.  She welcomed me.   I wish it were the same this time.

Well, I should, now, go meet with that friend--I might postpone the meeting for tomorrow.

If you pray, pray for me, whoever would read this.

Well, Now

This is the most depressing blog.    I am not any better in life, kind of worse.   I am on SSI, $710 a month, because of my problem with hearing someone not in the room talk to me.   I hear someone not in the room talking to me.    I have a college degree, almost a Masters in Special Education, and I hear someone not in the room talking to me.   It started in 2007.  Not sure if I ever divulged that.  I think I did, once.

I am the stupidest person in the world.  I mortgaged a paid off house.  Mortgaged a house that was Mine. 

I have been lucky not to lose it up till now and a program called Save the Dream is going to help me stay in it for the next 18 months but Social Security is going to take $257 from my $710 a month.

I have lost a friend.  A very good friend.  My best friend.

I would like this whole blog to start over as I type this, Now.  Start from here.

Going to go through a state program that can help me get a job.

I am all confused on this blog thing anyway. I had one that was something like, www.going to be on Oprah someday. 

Things have got to get better.  Got to.  Just got to.

Will go now.  Wonder where this will show up.

The Cat's Meow, the Cat and...

I was wrong about my cat, Lucky's meow. It's actually like, "uh mre-ah" or "uh-m-reh" and he raises his upper lip and kind of puckers it when he does that.

He's extremely special and he's still here. Skin and bones still, but still eating. Burnt orange and white colored. Used to be fat, but now skinny. Very skinny, and if I ever get out of this hell, I'm going to try to do something to where vets will treat those with parents that have gone broke or maybe started out broke---it's just not fair and not right.

More to say on that topic but not enough time.

I leave myriads of things out here---

But got to go, wash clothes and be ready for tomorrow. Got about 7 appointments this week for the insurance thing.

For Whoever is reading this, or to me and myself----

---C

WAITING FOR CLOTHES TO DRY

Well, I'm waiting for clothes to dry. I wash the clothes I'm going to wear and that's about it.

Did I say someone was going to help me clean the house? What did I say about that? Did I say I felt like a hoarder? She's really nice but everything went wrong when I had to go back and get my stuff out of storage---Did I say anything about that? (Me, dropping my aunt off at the town Senior Center for lunch and she didn't come back, after the woman that runs the place started acting very strange, I had to go and get my stuff out of storage.) Everything was fine until I had to go get my stuff back (and everything was really fine until I had to move my aunt in with me to help make ends meet). Everything was FINE. F. I. N. E.----FINE. I had an empty room, and I had things in a good place, but everything went to hell. Everything went to hell. (oh, my aunt was paying for the storage places---if I just hadn't had to do that, go back and get everything)

The plan is to get everything in what was the empty room, as much as possible.

The people that helped me get the stuff out of storage are really nice. Really nice, and I'm glad they helped me get the stuff out, but they left it on my patio, and I think they may have wanted to get it all situated for me, but I didn't ask and they didn't offer. And, I brought some stuff in the house to try to get it in and after I did that, it got the place looking like crap and it has progressively gotten crappy and more crappy and more crappy.

And I am so tired. So, So, So tired, I can hardly stand it but I have to---my hair is falling out (I have enough hair to make a small ugly sweater), I have dead skin and I can't keep my eyes open for a long period of time, a normal period of time. Terrible, terrible, terrible thing. I think I talked about the tiredness. I don't know what is wrong with me---I think it's thyroid although every doctor since 2004 has said it's not. I was on thyroid medicine b/c a doctor said I was hypo, and things were pretty good, a lot better. I was taken off the medicine b/c the new doctor said I didn't need it, and everything started going slowly down hill.

The doctor that gave me the med. went out of business and when I went to the new doctor, I said I thought I needed a boost in dosage and she said, then, after bloodwork, that it was fine, and I really didn't need to be on the medicine. The thyroid regulates periods, doing something to tell the cycle to begin, and when I went off it, that started getting off---and I have suffered from fatigue since I was in my teens, and I've had problems with the period being normal since then---

oh well---not to confuse with me saying I'M WELL--no, I'm not

And I have another problem to two that's tearing me up---

Well, I think the clothes are dry.

Well---I have a sick cat and he is very, very special. Very, very special cat. I know when he looks at me, he thinks, "I love you. I love you. Oh, I love you." He tries to talk and knows when you are talking. You say something, and he looks at you and does this meow that's not a meow. He raises his lips, opens his mouth and a "mer-wow" comes out but in a quick burst.

There's not a vet's office I've talked to that has said, "Bring him on in." No--they all have a price on them. Each one office I've talked to, and that's about 10, the stupid receptionist says, "Well, it's $$$ for the office call and then..." This is life and death, suffering and peace---not an option. Lucky has lost about 80% of his weight and he used to be a fat cat. And he throws up. Before he throws up, he makes this sound---it's an awful, awful sound. God ! (if there is one)

I have about $50 at the moment and will probably get about $100 or less on Monday. I've sold about $646 worth of insurance with the help of someone but that money hasn't come in and I don't know for sure when it will. It takes awhile with this company for it to be processed and unerwrited and approved. A long while.

I'm afraid I'm going to get thrown out of my house. That just hit me today. Someone from one of the companies I was hoping permanantly forgot about me called today. I shouldn't have that problem--oh God (if there is one) I shouldn't have that problem. Oh, where did I lose myself? Where did I lose that self preservation instinct? How did I think, "Oh, Ok..." My mother stipulated I didn't get the house till I graduated from college. Seems like she should have said not until I was 40.

This life sucks. Sucks.

I'm tired all the time. All the time. I can only keep my head up about 4 hours. Can't get to a doctor.

Someone may help me clean my house but she kind of treated me like a hoarder and I'm not a hoarder.

And I hear these people talking to me, and I don't know who they are or where they are but they talk to me---Sometime it sounds like I'm being protected from things by what some of them say and then there's the Insane, Lunatic, Bad name something that threatens things and re-tells supposed happenings and conversations. I don't know where anyone is.

My car needs new tires and an oil change.

I'm so tired of this life.

So tired.

what's going on with me now

Hum---just in case anyone would be reading this---basically a diary---let's see, last time I did this was, I think, in 2008.

Crap, crap, crap of stuff going on since.

My aunt moved in, I got a job at Wal "something, an M after the l," couldn't work there, started substitute teaching, got denied an interview for a full time job, got my insurance license, still to this day, as of today, haven't been able to find a good company to work with, and am about to pull my Teachers Retirement money because I am so broke, I can't pay attention.

Lots of crap involving my aunt moving in, and she was helping me pay bills and a mortgage I shouldn't have, and I dropped her off at the Senior Citizens Center for lunch one day and the pesky, stupid, mean, nosey, manipulative, nasty, coniving Senior Center director took her to an Assisted Living place and lied a bunch---and supposedly my aunt died in December.

The mortgage to Chase hasn't been paid since July and I am still in my house.

Still looking for the right insurance company and may be going with one this week or next.

Good way to make a lot of money at one time.

And I have fatigue problem. My hair is falling out, I am tired ALL the TIME, could sleep 24 hours a day, and I can't get to a doctor to try to get disability for this Tired Problem. I think it is an underactive thyroid, but the doctors I went to ( about 3 of them) all said I didn't have a thyroid problem. I believe I do though because a doctor put me on Synthroid one time and I kept a normal weight (Oh, I hover at 205 all the time), and I had a normal period. Maybe too much info, but I only have about one period a year, if that---and when I was on the Synthroid, I had a period every month. EVERY MONTH. Well, no one in the medical field thinks I have a thyorid problem, and I BELIEVE this would count as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and I think I could get disability for it (through and only through the Teacher's Retirement System, not through Social Security because I have only really paid into the Teacher's Retirement, which means I'm screwed one day if I don't get something going here b/c I don't have a lot in Social Security and I'm about to pull out what I have in Teacher's Retirement).

I can't go to a doctor because my doctor fired me as a patient. Said I wasn't being cooperative as a patient. Long story but I hated, pretty much, all the time I spent there as a patient, and I need a $175 to go to, I think, a really good doctor. And I am trying not to spend out that much at one time, because I have about $1300 to my immediate name.

I also have another problem I never said anything about---thought I wouldn't say anything about it, but oh well, what the heck now---Back when I started this, "blog," I had come out of a thing that I wasn't sure what it was.

Terribly long story--terribly long and terrible story. What the best way to tell about it? I started hearing someone talk to me that wasn't in the room, after hearing someone through my telephone while I was talking to people and messages being left on my answering machine. Didn't know who exactly was leaving the messages but I thought it was a guy I think I talked about on this thing before---and I was told, through what emerged as a voice from nowhere or everywhere, that it WAS the guy and he had been in the CIA and had been in my house and put things in my house where I could hear him and he could hear me. Started in 2007. And, yet, today, something of it remains. I went to the hospital in the spring of 2008, shortly before I started this thing, because it was becoming too perplexing. Was supposed to sometime see the guy and then, something I can't quite go into, was preventing us from seeing each other, and I got really perplexed and frustrated and went to the hospital. Was told I had a "delusional disorder," which I really interpreted as schizophrenia.

What I began hearing became really scary, frightening, s***, and I went to a free county clinic I was supposed to go to. Got on some medicine, and called a guy that was a demonologist--he did a ritual on me and my house and the voice(s) went away. Until, August of 2008. The demonologist thought it was demons making me hear voices and had mimicked the voice of the guy I talked about--But I heard something in August that made me do something again, that you may not understand, but after I did that---all hell broke loose again, and I am still hearing people or someone talk to me, but isn't in the room and not on the phone.

I believe, now, though, that I understand what was and is happening. There's a thing that certain and only certain people know about, and it involves use of a satellite and something called V2K (Voice to Skull Technology). And if someone has been in a certain occupution and capacity, they will know how to use these things to torture someone and make them think, and others think, that they are schizophrenic. I have been told, in this way and have come to believe, that someone my mom had as a student, became a CIA agent, and found out about this stuff, and started doing this to me.

Life is hell. I have this problem and I am so broke, and I have like, no family now and about 3 friends. That is my life, and my house is disgusting. Absolutly disgusting. I am so tired I can't clean it and my aunt moving in and out caused my house to be altered. I took stuff to a storage place and had to bring it back but couldn't get it all back in my house. I brought in what I could, dumped it in a bedroom and my living room, and things are not at all as they should be.

Not at all.

So, everything is crappy. It could be worse but I am trying to keep it from getting that way.

I hope that I will have enough money when I get my Teacher's Retirement out, in 30 days, to maybe get a good trailer, so I don't have to worry anymore about anything hanging over my head, if I get threatened with being kicked out of my house (I shouldn't have a mortgage).

I hope I can sell some insurance. That's all I have wanted to do since 2009, when I got my license.

I work at Chinese restaurant and make about $7 an hour about 3 hours a day.

I get about $130 a week right now.

And I have to be there in an hour and a half. I could take a nap, but I really can't.

The guy that was my mom's student, I think, talked all night. He is a lunatic. I hear crazy, stupid, insane, aseful stuff from this guy, that I can't see. It's like a heavy whisper, and oh--I can't get disability for schizophrenia, because the doctors at the free clinic don't want to write anything on a piece of paper, and they want to Give Me Medicine, and a 500 count questionaire, and They Are Against People Getting Disability for whatever may mentally ill them. It's against their philosophy to help people get Disability. Now, if I was eligible for Social Security Disability, They Would Send Records, but That's All. I wish i could say what the name of the place is, but even though, I think I'm the only person reading this, I do'nt want to take a meager chance that I would get slapped with a slander suit or something. I HATE THE PLACE and the People There.

So, anyway---I have the sympotoms of schizophrenia but can't get disability for it.

Well, I'm tired and I think I will close this here today.

New Attorney--forgot to mention last year

In looking over my last couple of posts, from last year, I forgot to put in, that the "go-to" attorney was not extremely helpful in getting the P.O.A for my uncle revoked. I tried to talk to him about it, and he would not give me any extrapolation on what my aunt needed to do. I called him and he said he told her what she needed to do, and I said, "Write a letter" and he left me in question about the procedure. Wouldn't give me any information, and I contacted another attorney, who is and was wonderful. Wonderful man. I'd be an adopted daughter of his if he was taking one.

I was so impressed, and come to find out, which makes sense, my uncle used my "go-to" to help settle things, from his side, with my aunt's business affairs.

Then, my uncle sent Mr. Wonderful a complete, entire history of our family affairs (dirty laundry).

But, if my uncle could be helpful in a matter going on, which I can't talk about, except that it's like 24/7 bombarding harrassment, I would take the help.

I would take the help, because I need help.

A Year Later

Here it is, a year later, and I am not a whole lot further ahead than I was last year.

I substitute taught from November till now. Still broke and in a nightmare of epic proportion.

Something going on I can't find the answers to and a harrassment bombarding me almost 24/7.

Found out from George Clooney's production company, Smoke House Productions, my movie isn't something they'd be interested in, but they were extremely nice.

Ellen only allows 1400 characters on her website now.

So far, so not good.

I can tell no one has read any of this. No comments.

Oh well.

Cindy

the Last Straw with my uncle

I haven't written a lot since the power went out and came back on about two weeks ago.

My uncle threw the last straw. I don't know that I even want him to be portrayed in a movie if there is one. He called my house one day and asked to speak to my aunt. She had gone to my other aunt's house and I told him. He called her there. He threatened to call Adult Protective Services on us.

The house still wasn't in order with her moving in.

We tried to get some things taken care of.

I hoped he would not follow through on his threat but he did.

Last Tuesday, a social worker showed up.

Everything was passed I guess.

Nothing happened.

I do not have an uncle anymore.

We are re-voking his power of attorney for my aunt.

I have been grieving over something, and I am having a very hard time.

Cindy

MY UNCLE and my aunt's business affairs

My uncle called the house phone today and asked if he could speak to my aunt. She had just gone up to see my aunt Rosie ( who lives in around the corner from me ). I told him she went to my aunt Rosie's. He paused. I didn't say anything and hung up. He almost acted like he wanted me to say something or converse with him.

He is STILL INSISTING that she (my aunt) turn things back over to him. STILL INSISTING that she turn things back over to him. He told her he was sending something for to fill out from the Retirement system and to send back to him which would switch things back over to him.

It was news to me that he was even trying to get her to do that. I was surprised. He acted like it was her choice and he wasn't going to put any effort into it, but he is obsessed with her (possibly) making a mistake and he's not going to bail her out if there is a mistake made. He bailed her out one time and he's not going to do it again. He is obsessed with this pursuit. Absolutely obsessed with it.

I called the attorney that has been a "go to" of mine over the years, the one who wrote a glowing recommendation and knows my uncle. The attorney was in charge of handling my mother's estate. ( and my uncle was the executor of the estate and this is all accounted in my book) I told him I wanted and that my aunt wanted "George's" power of attorney revoked. He talked to my aunt and said for her to write a letter to him saying she did not want him involved anymore and to come in to the office next week.

Well, that was today and still no power. Days are mush to me. Every day has felt like Sunday.
Have to go and have to send this to Ellen.

Cindy

the police involvement

I went to the police station last night and let a police officer listen to my uncle's message about getting them involved any bringing up charges. They said he didn't have a leg to stand on, to not worry about it, that if he showed up on my doorstep they would tell him to leave.

MY UNCLE

I talked about writing like someone whose writing I just read, but actually, I think he had help with it. I think he got his wife or hired a secretary or speech writer to write it. It's my uncle.

I think I should give you some background. My uncle ( I have mixed feelings about anyone playing him now, but the guy Matthew Perry is going to play in the movie--complete positive and wishful thinking--) has been paying my aunt's bills (Maggie in the book, his sister, my mom's "little" sister) since 2004. She had a stroke which I think I mentioned. Won't go into it. Anyway, she has been feeling unduley controlled by him for a very long time. He sends her money each week which comes from her Teachers Retirement account. He has been SO very obsessed with making sure that she has a savings fund or "rainy day" fund. He has begrudged her having her apartment cleaned and Especially carpet cleaned at the apartment. She had pets in the recent past ( I hope I mentioned, he HATES, loathes dogs and cats ) and he totally begrudged them.

Well, my aunt went to an attorney and had her money switched over to her own checking account, where it would be direct deposited. She didn't tell anyone except the woman who cleans for her ( and myself sometimes ) and is a very good hearted person. She's helped "Maggie" a lot. She told me about it and she knew "George" would be blowing a gasket. Well, he found out about it a couple days ago, and he blew a gasket. I told him I didn't know about it. I have been playing lightly with the idea of asking him for money to pay my phone bill ( $374, because I haven't paid it in a while ) or for the deductable for my insurance if it will pay for the blown siding and tree that fell. ( Uh, if the insurance will even cover it )

He didn't indicate that he was going to press her switch things over to him again. Not at all to me, but he would call and talk to her, and she said he was telling her to have it switched back over to him.

Somewhere along the line, he got it in his head that I was trying to keep her from talking to him. Today, I talked to him at around 11:30 am. I have had a terrible sinus infection and aching head and jaw and sore throat. I told him I was sick. He asked how and I told him. He asked me if my power was back on, and I said, "no." He showed a 1/16 of compassion and said, "Oh my goodness." He asked about talking to Cleta. He had called my cell phone, and I told him to call the house phone and Cleta would answer. That happened. I slept some more. I got up around 2 pm. My aunt and I went to the Waffle House about 4 pm. Well, my uncle called while we were at Waffle House. He showed again a 1/32nd of compassion ( I had to ask my aunt what was less than 1/16---I've recently come to have a greater understanding of fractions, 1/32 is less than 1/16, and 1/16 is less 1/8, and 1/8 is less than a 1/4 ) He asked me how I was feeling with 1/32nd of compassion. It really didn't sound sincere but I might consider thanking him for asking. He and I didn't have a great reception on the cell phones. He asked me where I stood on what my aunt did, about changing her deposit into her own account and taking care of her own stuff. Where did I stand, whose side was I on? I said I had been thinking about it. He asked, "How long, 24 hours?" I said no or something. I said I thought that since she was living with me now, that it would be easier for her to just give me the check for rent (since there are not a lot of things involved) and he said, and I will say it in a separate paragraph, very, very, very hateful to the max,

"Are you competent to do that or are you going to screw her up like you screwed up yourself?"

I couldn't believe it is not the way to describe it.

I had known that if I had proposed the idea he would bring it up.

He and I had a moment where if we had weapons in our hands we would have killed each other.

I said, "Oh, don't go there," and he did this thing where it seems he's throwing words together in a split second, and I hung up.

I'm not sure where I was when I listened to some messages but he left some messages sometime before he called me while we were sitting at the Waffle House. I think my aunt and I were at McDonalds. I went there to use the Internet. He must have called the house while WE WERE AT THE WAFFLE HOUSE OR ON OUR WAY TO THE WAFFLE HOUSE. He said, and I am not sure how I can repeat them word for word. I really can not go back into them at the moment, though I know it would be beneficial to continue in explaining the tone.

1st message---he said something about if I didn't let him talk to my aunt he would get the police involved and make up charges on me.

2nd message--Something to with me acting like a child.

I was confused and listened to the messages again. I was again, confused and felt like I had been hit with a silver bullit. No idea where he was coming from. She had talked to him in the morning. In NO WAY was I trying to keep her from talking to him! ( and I'm not mad at you with bold capital letters ).

I called him and said that he was no longer my uncle, that I was disowning him, that he was deceitful and had no compassion in his heart for anyone and that he was going to be going to hell.

And I hung up.

He called and left another message and said I have childish traits and it's not the way to start over in life, or something like that. He said something about me reading a script.

I realize I never had an uncle to begin with---You truly can't lose something you never had, and I will leave it to each and every person to determine if that had something. ( People used to tell me that I never had "Josh" and therefore couldn't lose him ) not sure if that makes any sense. I swore I lost "Josh" and I had him. It's coming out different than I had thought before. Point is, I do not have a loss---he never was an uncle. My dad's brothers were uncles. They loved me. I knew they loved me. Even uncles that I may have not seen every day, I knew they loved me. I didn't see my Uncle (and I'll use his real name) Bob all the time, but I knew he loved me. My Uncle Donnie would take me to the store with him and when he got his pack of cigarettes, he'd say, "What do you want Cindy?" I remember one time I got fruit roll ups and one time I got my dog a collar. One time when I was little, I was sick and lying on the couch and my Uncle Bill came in and felt my forehead. He said, "She's warm."

Why, why, why could he have not been that way?

When my mother was given the death sentence, he and his wife were trying to coerce my mother to move to Georgia with them. I would have had to have given up my dog, everything I knew, and I knew I was going to lose my mom. I couldn't stand to lose my dog---she was like a sister. I was crying while I was on the phone with him, and he said, "Cindy, I can't understand you with you crying."

I actually forgot that he said that until today.

I respected him my WHOLE life. I thought he was the coolest. I thought he was handsome. I had nothing but respect for him and wanted my whole life for him to respect me, because I respected him so much. He almost had "celebrity status" in my mind. And I realized today, that it's not worth my time to worry anymore about whether or not he respects me.