Well---I have a sick cat and he is very, very special. Very, very special cat. I know when he looks at me, he thinks, "I love you. I love you. Oh, I love you." He tries to talk and knows when you are talking. You say something, and he looks at you and does this meow that's not a meow. He raises his lips, opens his mouth and a "mer-wow" comes out but in a quick burst.

There's not a vet's office I've talked to that has said, "Bring him on in." No--they all have a price on them. Each one office I've talked to, and that's about 10, the stupid receptionist says, "Well, it's $$$ for the office call and then..." This is life and death, suffering and peace---not an option. Lucky has lost about 80% of his weight and he used to be a fat cat. And he throws up. Before he throws up, he makes this sound---it's an awful, awful sound. God ! (if there is one)

I have about $50 at the moment and will probably get about $100 or less on Monday. I've sold about $646 worth of insurance with the help of someone but that money hasn't come in and I don't know for sure when it will. It takes awhile with this company for it to be processed and unerwrited and approved. A long while.

I'm afraid I'm going to get thrown out of my house. That just hit me today. Someone from one of the companies I was hoping permanantly forgot about me called today. I shouldn't have that problem--oh God (if there is one) I shouldn't have that problem. Oh, where did I lose myself? Where did I lose that self preservation instinct? How did I think, "Oh, Ok..." My mother stipulated I didn't get the house till I graduated from college. Seems like she should have said not until I was 40.

This life sucks. Sucks.

I'm tired all the time. All the time. I can only keep my head up about 4 hours. Can't get to a doctor.

Someone may help me clean my house but she kind of treated me like a hoarder and I'm not a hoarder.

And I hear these people talking to me, and I don't know who they are or where they are but they talk to me---Sometime it sounds like I'm being protected from things by what some of them say and then there's the Insane, Lunatic, Bad name something that threatens things and re-tells supposed happenings and conversations. I don't know where anyone is.

My car needs new tires and an oil change.

I'm so tired of this life.

So tired.