Well, I haven’t seen the Calvary yet, and there’s something I wish I could talk about, but I can’t.

I took my aunt’s keys up to the apartment office and took her to the post office to get her mail transferred. It’s extremely difficult for me to do anything. It’s depression, no doubt, but it’s difficult not to be depressed when you have a skill but can’t use, and you don’t know where the next dollar is coming from and you have a fixed amount in your checking account. I’m very scared and very worried and very depressed. Somehow that comes out more calm than I really feel. I’m scared. I’m worried. I do not know how to get to a place where I belong---and how I belong anywhere. I’m very lost. I have fallen off the track and I think the track has disappeared.

I filled out an application at a pizza place last night. How I could puke at the thought of filling out another set of paperwork for the IRS and State Tax stuff. Oooh—yuck.

I don’t know why I put off going to get that TB test that you have to get to Substitute in a school. Tomorrow. I’ll do it tomorrow. I don’t know why I put off the subbing procedures. It could bring some somewhat sustainable money, providing teachers are absent, but I feel like I’m glued to the mud in quicksand. I don’t feel I can move but I know I have to try.

I figured out that the people at the Ad company are jerks.

My house is all junked up with my stuff being moved out of place and my aunt’s stuff being moved in. It’s all junked up. I don’t know where I’m going to put the stuff that is junking the place up.

Oh God---let my dreams come true. Let there be a higher plan, one I can not see (wrote a poem with that in it). Let there be a higher plan.

How I feel I have failed and especially in the sight of my uncle. How I wish I could ask to borrow some money from him---but, that’s pretty much an impossibility.

I have so much talent and so much potential. I do not know why this is happening. How I wish the Calvary would come tomorrow, but I don’t know how that would happen either. There’s something that is keeping me going right now but I can’t explain it here.

Yeah, I’m scared.

Cindy