MY UNCLE and my aunt's business affairs

My uncle called the house phone today and asked if he could speak to my aunt. She had just gone up to see my aunt Rosie ( who lives in around the corner from me ). I told him she went to my aunt Rosie's. He paused. I didn't say anything and hung up. He almost acted like he wanted me to say something or converse with him.

He is STILL INSISTING that she (my aunt) turn things back over to him. STILL INSISTING that she turn things back over to him. He told her he was sending something for to fill out from the Retirement system and to send back to him which would switch things back over to him.

It was news to me that he was even trying to get her to do that. I was surprised. He acted like it was her choice and he wasn't going to put any effort into it, but he is obsessed with her (possibly) making a mistake and he's not going to bail her out if there is a mistake made. He bailed her out one time and he's not going to do it again. He is obsessed with this pursuit. Absolutely obsessed with it.

I called the attorney that has been a "go to" of mine over the years, the one who wrote a glowing recommendation and knows my uncle. The attorney was in charge of handling my mother's estate. ( and my uncle was the executor of the estate and this is all accounted in my book) I told him I wanted and that my aunt wanted "George's" power of attorney revoked. He talked to my aunt and said for her to write a letter to him saying she did not want him involved anymore and to come in to the office next week.

Well, that was today and still no power. Days are mush to me. Every day has felt like Sunday.
Have to go and have to send this to Ellen.

Cindy

the police involvement

I went to the police station last night and let a police officer listen to my uncle's message about getting them involved any bringing up charges. They said he didn't have a leg to stand on, to not worry about it, that if he showed up on my doorstep they would tell him to leave.

MY UNCLE

I talked about writing like someone whose writing I just read, but actually, I think he had help with it. I think he got his wife or hired a secretary or speech writer to write it. It's my uncle.

I think I should give you some background. My uncle ( I have mixed feelings about anyone playing him now, but the guy Matthew Perry is going to play in the movie--complete positive and wishful thinking--) has been paying my aunt's bills (Maggie in the book, his sister, my mom's "little" sister) since 2004. She had a stroke which I think I mentioned. Won't go into it. Anyway, she has been feeling unduley controlled by him for a very long time. He sends her money each week which comes from her Teachers Retirement account. He has been SO very obsessed with making sure that she has a savings fund or "rainy day" fund. He has begrudged her having her apartment cleaned and Especially carpet cleaned at the apartment. She had pets in the recent past ( I hope I mentioned, he HATES, loathes dogs and cats ) and he totally begrudged them.

Well, my aunt went to an attorney and had her money switched over to her own checking account, where it would be direct deposited. She didn't tell anyone except the woman who cleans for her ( and myself sometimes ) and is a very good hearted person. She's helped "Maggie" a lot. She told me about it and she knew "George" would be blowing a gasket. Well, he found out about it a couple days ago, and he blew a gasket. I told him I didn't know about it. I have been playing lightly with the idea of asking him for money to pay my phone bill ( $374, because I haven't paid it in a while ) or for the deductable for my insurance if it will pay for the blown siding and tree that fell. ( Uh, if the insurance will even cover it )

He didn't indicate that he was going to press her switch things over to him again. Not at all to me, but he would call and talk to her, and she said he was telling her to have it switched back over to him.

Somewhere along the line, he got it in his head that I was trying to keep her from talking to him. Today, I talked to him at around 11:30 am. I have had a terrible sinus infection and aching head and jaw and sore throat. I told him I was sick. He asked how and I told him. He asked me if my power was back on, and I said, "no." He showed a 1/16 of compassion and said, "Oh my goodness." He asked about talking to Cleta. He had called my cell phone, and I told him to call the house phone and Cleta would answer. That happened. I slept some more. I got up around 2 pm. My aunt and I went to the Waffle House about 4 pm. Well, my uncle called while we were at Waffle House. He showed again a 1/32nd of compassion ( I had to ask my aunt what was less than 1/16---I've recently come to have a greater understanding of fractions, 1/32 is less than 1/16, and 1/16 is less 1/8, and 1/8 is less than a 1/4 ) He asked me how I was feeling with 1/32nd of compassion. It really didn't sound sincere but I might consider thanking him for asking. He and I didn't have a great reception on the cell phones. He asked me where I stood on what my aunt did, about changing her deposit into her own account and taking care of her own stuff. Where did I stand, whose side was I on? I said I had been thinking about it. He asked, "How long, 24 hours?" I said no or something. I said I thought that since she was living with me now, that it would be easier for her to just give me the check for rent (since there are not a lot of things involved) and he said, and I will say it in a separate paragraph, very, very, very hateful to the max,

"Are you competent to do that or are you going to screw her up like you screwed up yourself?"

I couldn't believe it is not the way to describe it.

I had known that if I had proposed the idea he would bring it up.

He and I had a moment where if we had weapons in our hands we would have killed each other.

I said, "Oh, don't go there," and he did this thing where it seems he's throwing words together in a split second, and I hung up.

I'm not sure where I was when I listened to some messages but he left some messages sometime before he called me while we were sitting at the Waffle House. I think my aunt and I were at McDonalds. I went there to use the Internet. He must have called the house while WE WERE AT THE WAFFLE HOUSE OR ON OUR WAY TO THE WAFFLE HOUSE. He said, and I am not sure how I can repeat them word for word. I really can not go back into them at the moment, though I know it would be beneficial to continue in explaining the tone.

1st message---he said something about if I didn't let him talk to my aunt he would get the police involved and make up charges on me.

2nd message--Something to with me acting like a child.

I was confused and listened to the messages again. I was again, confused and felt like I had been hit with a silver bullit. No idea where he was coming from. She had talked to him in the morning. In NO WAY was I trying to keep her from talking to him! ( and I'm not mad at you with bold capital letters ).

I called him and said that he was no longer my uncle, that I was disowning him, that he was deceitful and had no compassion in his heart for anyone and that he was going to be going to hell.

And I hung up.

He called and left another message and said I have childish traits and it's not the way to start over in life, or something like that. He said something about me reading a script.

I realize I never had an uncle to begin with---You truly can't lose something you never had, and I will leave it to each and every person to determine if that had something. ( People used to tell me that I never had "Josh" and therefore couldn't lose him ) not sure if that makes any sense. I swore I lost "Josh" and I had him. It's coming out different than I had thought before. Point is, I do not have a loss---he never was an uncle. My dad's brothers were uncles. They loved me. I knew they loved me. Even uncles that I may have not seen every day, I knew they loved me. I didn't see my Uncle (and I'll use his real name) Bob all the time, but I knew he loved me. My Uncle Donnie would take me to the store with him and when he got his pack of cigarettes, he'd say, "What do you want Cindy?" I remember one time I got fruit roll ups and one time I got my dog a collar. One time when I was little, I was sick and lying on the couch and my Uncle Bill came in and felt my forehead. He said, "She's warm."

Why, why, why could he have not been that way?

When my mother was given the death sentence, he and his wife were trying to coerce my mother to move to Georgia with them. I would have had to have given up my dog, everything I knew, and I knew I was going to lose my mom. I couldn't stand to lose my dog---she was like a sister. I was crying while I was on the phone with him, and he said, "Cindy, I can't understand you with you crying."

I actually forgot that he said that until today.

I respected him my WHOLE life. I thought he was the coolest. I thought he was handsome. I had nothing but respect for him and wanted my whole life for him to respect me, because I respected him so much. He almost had "celebrity status" in my mind. And I realized today, that it's not worth my time to worry anymore about whether or not he respects me.

Power Outage

A lot to catch up on. I suppose Ike came through Ohio, and we had the strongest winds we have ever had. In the area and town in which I live, power was lost throughout. And I know I'm not talking or writing like normal. You'll find out why in the next post. I'm trying to be on my best grammar and appear as adult like as possible. Actually, I'm writing kind of like someone whose writing I just read ( if it is his at all ).

Haven't had power since September 13. Trees down everywhere. No power. Candles lit at night. Dark in the bathroom, and you haven't lived till you've had to hunt for the toilet seat or find yourself trying to sit on something that isn't the toilet seat. Nothing to do. No contact with the outside world---no TV. I could have read the newspaper but that would have really have made me feel deprived. I usually read it for fun or because it's there--not because I have to.

I really, really, really feel horribly for the people who went through Hurricane Katrina. Oh my Goodness. You really do not know what someone has gone through until you have walked in their shoes.

I have lost track of the days of the week. For all I know, today is Sunday. I'm at Panera Bread and this is the first time I've had the chance to get here (to this blog).

I think that is all I will say about the power outage. OH---people across the street, up the street, around the block have power but I and the people on my particular street do not.

That is all I will say---READ THE NEXT POST Or Posts.

I can still remember your eyes poem

This sounds a bit like the Johnny Cash song, "I Still Miss Someone," but I didn't intend that when I wrote it.

By Katherine Lucinda Taylor



I can still remember your eyes,

Your eyes, oh your eyes,
That used to be in front of me when I’d look at my friend LuAnn (whose eyes reminded me of yours)
Oh, your eyes that I used to fall into
Get lost in
The twinkle, the somberness at times
Always stayed in my mind

I could see and can see
While looking over there
Across the room
Out the window
At the rug

Your eyes, I could see everywhere.

A little more about me, in another way

I will let you know, this is not a piece written by the man who wrote the Unfortunate Event series of books, but I may begin writing that way. If I had known he would have been so successful, I would have written the series myself, but most people would have said to me, “Are you sure you want to be so glum?” I will never forget the first time I opened up one of the books. The first page said something to this effect: “I’m going to let you know right now, there is no silver lining to the story in this book. It does not occur at the beginning, middle or end. There is no happy ending.” It seems as if my life has been a series of unfortunate events, and I’m hoping that there will be a happy ending, though in my story.

I had a great life. My dad died before I was born, but my mom was awesome. She knew how to beat struggles. She was a teacher, and she taught me about teaching. She never stopped being a teacher, even when her career was cut short in 1982. She taught for 25 years, and in the middle of her 25th year, the school system said she was an “incompetent” teacher, but she was in no way incompetent. She was very competent and loved by her students. I ran into a former student the other day, and when I told him what had happened, he was saddened. He said in his memory of his teachers, she was thought of with fondness, that what happened was “unfortunate.” He is an attorney. She had quite a few students become attorneys. Oh, she taught science and biology. I know she was a good teacher because she taught me about the mysteries of science. I was always a bit “slow” in science, and she knew how to explain it to me. She knew her stuff.

When I was 16, she was diagnosed with colon cancer. Actually, she was diagnosed in an emergency condition. She had been having severe abdominal pain for weeks and had puked every 2 ½ hours the night before she went to the hospital. I could tell by the clock when I would hear the awful sound. It was like “clockwork.” The words were ones that I had always feared: Cancer. But, the surgeon said when he came out of the emergency surgery, that he got it all. I had always heard when, “They got it all,” it seemed as if life would continue, that it was good news. I told my mom when she awoke from the surgery, that it was cancer, but “they got it all,” and she looked relieved. I thought, “we got it all” was the silver lining. I thought it was just a little “burp” in life, but it turned out to be a struggle the next three years of her life, our life.

She/we struggled for the next three years. The cancer went into remission for about 6 months, and then it ravaged her body. She died July 12, 1994.

So, I continued going to school. I had started college in the fall of 1993, and I finished my classes the winter the cancer ravaged her body.

I was majoring in psychology, and now, I wonder why I did such a thing. People that major in psychology get a Masters in it or counsel people. I wasn’t interested in doing either one. I thought, and had heard, “you just need a degree, and a degree in something,” and that was what I went with---I thought I could get any kind of job. So, after graduating in 1998, I got “any” kind of job, a job in insurance, 100% commission. I thought I was going to make it “Big” anytime. I lived off savings, from my mom.

At some time, in my second year, of insurance sales, I decided I needed a job that paid, for your time. I got a job at a bank, and my uncle (my mom’s brother) is ever reminded that I didn’t stay there. I hated it. Hated it. I cried before I would start the day. I knew, at that point, in 2000, that I needed to work in a school, in spite of what I had told myself.

There was a resentment on my part toward the school system that had said my mother was incompetent and fired her in the middle of her 25th year of teaching, stripping her of her right to a retirement party and “hooplah” when someone retires. She should have had that retirement party and she should have had honor, instead of having to pack up in January and leave her career in education behind. There is a point of no return when you have years of experience in education: no one wants to hire you if you were toward the end of your career as a teacher, and especially if you were “fired” on grounds of incompetence.

I, somehow, found a way to get past that resentment. I, somehow, knew I loved working with kids who had learning problems more than my fear or resentment of what happened to my mother.

I also had problem with the stock market. The stock market is not a place for amateurs, and I lost a bunch of money. I knew I needed a career with a future and stability, and on that I would love. I had heard that special education was virtually recession proof. I “smoothed over” that resentment and went full tilt into special education.

There is something I forgot about---in 1997 or 1998, I met a guy, lost my heart and it would seem, lost my head, also. That struggle hit me quite heavily recently.

For a year, I worked in an urban school district as a special educator, before I got my license from the State, to teach.

I loved my student teaching experience and loved the district. It used to be, though, that it was easy to get jobs in education, and I suppose, special education, but over the years, it has been increasingly difficult. If you are willing to move, yes, maybe there is a shortage, but then again, you may be competing with people from the area that is out of your area. I thoroughly believe that for every opening in a school system, there are countless numbers of people interested in each and every opening.

My teaching test was mis-scored in 2003, and the 2003-2004 school year was a complete mess. I finally called my University in 2004, and asked if they knew of any openings, anywhere. Sure enough, thankfully, there was an educational opening. It was 50 miles away, but I took it. I took it, and I loved it. I loved it. Loved the people. Loved the place. I was in love.

In 2007, my long, three year “honeymoon” ended. They didn’t need people who performed my job anymore. I also found out that there was a glitch within a Federal law and my state, that may have further “tripped” me from getting another job.

and today, Sept, 12

I have to get my TB test looked at and must leave in a minute. I do feel good that I got a job, not far away, at Walmart. It's encouraging. The people seem very nice.

Going to post something I wrote about myself and a poem,

Cindy

Today, Sept, 11

I got a job at Walmart. I start the 16th. $7.50 an hour and I’ll be working between 30 and 33 hours. I got my TB test (required for substituting) the other day. I’ll sub as much as they will call me and work at Walmart from 5 pm till whatever time. This isn’t how I wanted my life to be and it’s not how I want it to be. I want to be in a school full time. I don’t want to be there on a momentary basis, as a bystander—I want to be there full time, a part of the culture. I so miss the culture.

I feel like I’m being split down the middle.

And yes, today is an anniversary of that awful day in our history. I will never forget where I was and what I was doing. I was sitting in the teachers lounge of a school, and I had on CNBC. I watched the first plane or the aftermath of the first plane hit and then the 2nd. I walked down the hall and told the school secretary that we were under attack. When I went to the 2nd school ( I traveled between schools ) I found out that there was a plane that was headed toward the White House but it crashed in Pennsylvania and that a plane crashed in the Pentagon.

It was an awful day and time, to say the very least.

Someone was on my mind the whole time. I know I’m not using his name or the alias I gave him now---I just can’t for some reason.

I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed my mother was still alive but she was going to die. I’ve had those dreams before, that she was dying again. There were people taking boxes out of our house. I guess we were going to live with the uncle whom Matthew Perry should play. Somehow I met a friend I hardly ever see. Somehow there was a baby left somewhere and I was going to take this baby. My cousin (my aunt’s daughter; the aunt that just moved in) was in the dream. We were all traveling, and I was determined to raise this baby. Well, someone let the authorities know about it and the baby disappeared. I can’t forget what it looked like. It had curly brown hair and squinty brown eyes. I was so irked that they did that. My mother wasn’t acting like my mother, and I kept thinking, this has got to be a dream. I wish I would wake up. Why am I not waking up? This person isn’t acting like my mom/mother. We stopped somewhere, and I was talking to someone I went to school with a long time ago, and I told her I was going to be waiting for my mother to die.

I know I’m not saying his name or the alias I gave him. I just can’t right now. Something happened over the past week, and I said all I can say about it in the other post. I wish I could explain more.

I can say that I never quite got over him the way I should have. I know that now. When I had my job, the job I loved ( and I’ve been in mourning over losing it all this time, from August of ’07 till even now ), I didn’t think about him or what happened. It was in a separate place. It was over. I thought I had moved on. It was in its own box in my life, but that box has been opened. It’s almost smothering, knowing I can not face him on what happened, and that I must live in this solitary place with it. It’s a solitary place. I will say that during this past week or so, I felt a closeness to him, though I couldn’t see him and I felt those wrongs had been made right, when it was like I went on a “mini-vacation,” or “trip.” May sound weird. There’s been two images I’ve had of him all this time---the person who would listen to me, who seemed to believe in me, who knew my name, and then the person who said what he said and went on to seemingly have a great life. I have wondered if what I experienced was just a “fluke.” I don’t think “fluke” is in the dictionary if someone doesn’t know what it means. I have thought it meant, a rarity, an oddity, something by accident.

Well, I feel a little better.

Cindy

as much as I can

I'm going to talk as much as I can about that thing that is disappointing.

There is someone I lost, a long time ago---and I've talked about him. And something came up this past week or so that made him seem close though there is no logical way it could have been, and if I'm sounding weird, forgive me.

There is no possible way to get back who I had or lost. No possible way and I guess I went on a trip, a little mini-vacation, and I've come back.

It all made sense for awhile. It all made sense. But now I see it makes no sense. And we have to live in sense.

It seemed crystal clear at times. It really, really did but doesn't today, anymore. If it could just be---if someone I had loved with all my heart could just love me back---if it could just be. Want, need that family I lost in a way. Want, need that companionship that I am owed by life--not sure why I "lost" him the way I did---

I'm just in want and I'm just in need.

Did I ever get over him? It doesn't seem like it, and especially at the moment. I'm crying like it was yesterday. I'm crying like a baby, except quietly. How nice it was to believe what I was believing for what amounts to a moment in time. I don't know how people get over things. I just don't.

And, I just shared about as much as I can.

Cindy

and today

And today---went for an interview at a nursing home where I'd be an activities director assistant. It's about 30 miles away---24 hours a week, $8.25 an hour.

I stopped by a school, the local vocational school, where they have an opening. I filled out their questionaire they wanted to be filled out. I had gotten an email from them about an opening. They said the Intervention Specialist position was greatly needed. I so hope I could fill it.

I also got a call from Wal-Mart to come in for an interview. I do that tomorrow at 11.

There's something else disappointing going on, and I can't discuss it. I just can't. Wish I could but can't.

I think I need to but there's no way---

Everywhere I go, I wonder how people got their jobs. I wonder. Everyone I see, I wonder.

I so need to be doing something. I so need to meet people. I so need to get of where I am.

A movie about my mom's life would be nice, too.

A job in a school, a movie about my mom and a man would be nice.

And, also, if anyone knows of a good person or two that would take a cat or two off my hands, that would be great. I know I need to reduce the pet population at my house. Just email me, if my email address is up there. If not, email me at ctay396@live.com That may be different from what may be at the top of the page.

Cindy

the Spring

This past spring, I set out on a mission. I may have mentioned a company called VEMMA, or maybe not. It stands for Vitamins, Essential Minerals, Mangosteen and Aloe. That is what the product is composed of--and it also contains green tea. I have been involved with it for several years, in hope of making some me mega bucks--but also because I love the product. It is a home based business. Unfortunately, most people I'd tell about it would say, "How much for a vitamin?"



I forgot to mention--it is a liquid vitamin--liquid based, not capsule. Most people have different things to say about how it tastes, but I think it's really good mixed with orange juice or some kind of citrus based juice (though not grapefruit).



Well, I thought about sending people information that probably wouldn't object to how much it is--roughly $60-75 for a month's intake. So, I sent a letter and info about myself and the VEMMA to about 45-50 celebrities or people who may not flinch at the price. I sent info to some of the people I want in the movie. I'm not sure if I sent info to Ellen DeGeneres. The letter started out with Jerry Seinfeld. I sent one to him first and then sent a copy of it to all the other people. For some reason, I just felt I needed to send him one and the first. It is called the Jerry Seinfeld letter.



I also made a committment, if I could make thousands upon thousands of dollars a month, I would help pay off houses in foreclosure for people who were going through a rough, tough, hard time, especially if they have pets, because pets are for life ( I think that's a Humane Society slogan ). And pets are for life. I do not think anyone should lose a house, nor should they be separated from their pets and most especially, vice versa. Pets, if they are a part of the family like mine are, depend on their owners.

That's what I did.

Cindy

Sept. 8, 2008

Well, do you want the good news or the bad news first? Wish I could tell everything that happened this weekend, but I would appear a fool.

Not sure where to start. I always feel I must “stay put” on the weekends because not a lot can be done where finding a job is concerned on the weekend. I drove around a beautiful place in my hometown, here, where some beautiful houses are built and a couple pieces of land where one more could be built. I’d love to live in one of those houses or build a new one. Sure would, but at the moment (this is the bad news)---I have $1800 in my checking account, and that’s it. Ku-put. That’s all folks. I know I’m in a better spot than some people but somehow that doesn’t make me feel all that much better.

I would love a big house for me and my animals and let my aunt have a one story but big house to herself. How nice it would be. Oh God, how nice it would be.

I’m 34 and never thought this would happen. I had better dreams and hopes for myself.

I spent 7 years of my life working in the educational field or working toward it, and I didn’t think there would be a way I could be practically penniless at this point. I haven’t been able to ask my uncle for a dime (which I think I mentioned already), and I dread the day, which may come, for one.

Good news? I have an interview with a nursing home tomorrow about being an activities assistant, working with the elderly people in activities. It would be part time (24 hours a week), but it would be something. It would be something, and then I could substitute teach (fill in for teachers) during the other time.

How nice that would be.

I have a meeting with a temp. service this afternoon. I saw "sales position," $87 K. and I had never heard of a temp agency offering that kind of position. I thought I'd call and I have a meeting with them. Not sure what it's all going to be about.

I was visiting Mrs. E this morning for a second at the high school in town (where I went, where my mom taught for half a year but many more at the Junior High). How incredibly awesome it felt just being there---if I had a bunch of money, I’d just go in and soak up the atmosphere. Oh God---it was like a taste of a decadent dessert.

I just don’t think that some people can really appreciate what they have sometimes. I think it’s virtually impossible for them to fully appreciate what they have.

Cindy

So, here it is---September 4, 2008, not far into the month of September.

No Calvary yet, and I’m scouting the classifieds. I Am Trying to coordinate the best way to work out my life. There are home health aid positions that don’t require a nursing background, and if I could do that in addition to subbing (substituting for teachers) it would be a good supplement and I wouldn’t have to face food or a grill everyday. They have weekend and evening shifts. I just have to have something coming in.

I also am contacting an insurance group. Haven’t given up on the insurance possibility. I want a 6 figure income. I DESERVE it. I HAVE Earned it. I’ve paid time and dues.

I want my aunt to be able to live in a house that she would like and I want to live in a house I would like better, though I’m thankful what I have as long as I can have it, providing I don’t go broke, even so broke that what my aunt is helping with doesn’t help.

I would like my aunt to be able to move into a house, “across the river” that is right across a lonely road from a grocery store. There’s not a lot of traffic on that road at all, and is like a road to itself.

I would like to move into a big house, and the house that my aunt would move into would be big for her, I know.

People who have a job in a school are so lucky. They are so very, very lucky. I know the grass is always greener on the other side, and I’ve walked into a school where I’ve felt things are terribly wrong, but if someone has a good school job and are in a good school, they are so lucky. I never, never thought I would want to be somewhere and not be able to get there. Never thought that would happen. Never thought I would be held back from what I wanted to do and where I wanted to be. It’s not how I saw life. Not at all.

Never thought I’d be held back, and know that I have the talent and what it takes to do it.

Never thought I’d be here.

A friend said last year when I was newly unemployed, “Go get a job anywhere.” Well, I know most people do that. I know that’s possible. I’ve tried it, and I do not know why it doesn’t work for me. Tried it. Is it that I don’t want to do it, whatever it is? Why? Go get a job anywhere, anything. God. Why?

Hope people are reading this.

Cindy

at 8:45 pm

Well, as I start to write this, it's 8:45 pm. I thought about all the things I could have been, at dinner, having withdrawn $20 today. Nursing, secretary, even truck driver, and I became a teacher (special education teacher/Intervention Specialist), and can not use what I learned. I'm sitting here, unemployed and lost in the desert, totally out of the game.

Oh, this can't be my life. If I could write my life story, from here on, "Josh" would find me tomorrow, marry me and whisk me away. Then, we'd have a big wedding and Robert Downey Jr, and Vonda Shephard would sing, "Chances Are," at the wedding. Many people would come, and my family would be proud. That's how I'd write the rest of it.

Love that song. It's just like me and "Josh" except it wasn't at night when we met and Josh wasn't smiling but everything else is true. Everything else is true.

I am so so very broke. I do not know how to make it out of it. I am very smart--not smart enough to have kept this time away--but I am still very smart.

I need to do something with this writing thing--something where I'm sharing myself and my feelings.

But, again, how and where? I look at people and I think about how everyone I see is doing something with themselves. They are taking part in a skill of some sort. They have it going on, and I'm drowning in quicksand.

Oh God---there has to be a way out.

Cindy



Cindy

Well, I haven’t seen the Calvary yet, and there’s something I wish I could talk about, but I can’t.

I took my aunt’s keys up to the apartment office and took her to the post office to get her mail transferred. It’s extremely difficult for me to do anything. It’s depression, no doubt, but it’s difficult not to be depressed when you have a skill but can’t use, and you don’t know where the next dollar is coming from and you have a fixed amount in your checking account. I’m very scared and very worried and very depressed. Somehow that comes out more calm than I really feel. I’m scared. I’m worried. I do not know how to get to a place where I belong---and how I belong anywhere. I’m very lost. I have fallen off the track and I think the track has disappeared.

I filled out an application at a pizza place last night. How I could puke at the thought of filling out another set of paperwork for the IRS and State Tax stuff. Oooh—yuck.

I don’t know why I put off going to get that TB test that you have to get to Substitute in a school. Tomorrow. I’ll do it tomorrow. I don’t know why I put off the subbing procedures. It could bring some somewhat sustainable money, providing teachers are absent, but I feel like I’m glued to the mud in quicksand. I don’t feel I can move but I know I have to try.

I figured out that the people at the Ad company are jerks.

My house is all junked up with my stuff being moved out of place and my aunt’s stuff being moved in. It’s all junked up. I don’t know where I’m going to put the stuff that is junking the place up.

Oh God---let my dreams come true. Let there be a higher plan, one I can not see (wrote a poem with that in it). Let there be a higher plan.

How I feel I have failed and especially in the sight of my uncle. How I wish I could ask to borrow some money from him---but, that’s pretty much an impossibility.

I have so much talent and so much potential. I do not know why this is happening. How I wish the Calvary would come tomorrow, but I don’t know how that would happen either. There’s something that is keeping me going right now but I can’t explain it here.

Yeah, I’m scared.

Cindy

I just don’t know how people get through life. I don’t know how they get jobs, keep them, find a person to marry, etc. I just don’t know. I know I went to school and met someone extraordinary but not sure what happened with that.

Things are bad. Things are so bad. I have like $700 left on a credit card, and I do not know where my next dollar is coming from. I hate like sin ( my mom always used to say that) to have been living off a credit card. Hate like sin. If the Calvary doesn’t come this week, I’m going to substitute ( fill in for teachers ). If I see no sign of it tomorrow, I’m going to go get a tuberculosis test (you have to get a TB test to work in a school) and the background check. Going to, tomorrow, if I see no sign of the Calvary tomorrow. Haven’t heard from the woman at the advertising place nor the charter school. I was going to send the woman at the advertising place an email last week. I was waiting to hear from the school first but never did. I think it’s a little too tacky late to the woman from the advertising place an email now. I think I screwed that up, but then again, I think they were a little unfair to put me on probation because my aunt was moving in and I didn’t feel well the next day. Guess I just don’t have the toughness they desire.

I am going to ask the charter school for a copy of my letters of recommendation. I gave them the last good set of copies I had.

Nope, don’t know what I’m going to do or what kind of piddling job I can find to supplement the substituting.

I know my life wasn’t supposed to be like this.

I know.

If I ever get that movie made/when I get that movie made, this song sung by Robert Downey Jr, ( whom I LOVE and if I haven’t talked about him yet, I must apologize to him or let it be known I’ve been an idiot for not mentioning him) and Vonda Shephard. It’s on the Alley McBeal soundtrack. It's called “Chances Are,” and I love it. I could and have listened to it over and over. Robert and Vonda speak to me. The song is just like “Josh” and me, and there’s going to be a scene where I, “Leslie,” am driving past his house. The song is going to play in that scene, or maybe I’ll have it playing in the CD player. Robert Downey Jr. is just the best. He is so talented, up there with Jamie Fox and Wayne Brady (whom I adore also). Multi-talented. Loved it when RDJ was on the Wayne Brady show and he and Wayne jammed. Loved it. Awesome people. If I could wave a magic wand and marry “Josh” someday, I’d have Robert and Vonda perform that song at the wedding.

I would invite, also, Ellen, of course, and I’d have Oprah officiate the wedding. She can go online and get certified to do that, I think. I’d have Lionel Richie there and a big name among big names, Jimmy Buffet. (I've been listening to "Dancing on the Ceiling" again) A dear friend and her husband are great Parrotheads. They educated me on all of his songs. I had only really known “Margaritaville,” and “Come Monday,” before I met my dear friend. “Margaritaville” is going to be in the movie, too. It has a special place in our lives. Whenever I’d meet "Josh" in the place I’d meet him, that song would play.

The Calvary. I hope it comes. I pray it comes.