Just sitting here at McDonalds.  Have a meeting with a friend at 2:00.  It's around 12:42 as I start to write this.  Got time on my hands, as is obvious.  Obvious in another way.  All I have now is Time.

Those two people who didn't email me back emailed me back.  Good.

I am accepting the "schizophrenia" diagnosis, because I need help, and it helps me get help.   I have a Case Worker who helps and I just met with him.  I'm trying to get involved with a program that will help me get a job.  It's frustrating.   It's a process--the program.   Mark, my Case Manager, thinks I can get a job easily and be gainfully employed.

I'm in counseling.

I feel life is hopeless but I have no choice but to keep going.

I need to clip my nails and file them, but I dread doing that.  A manicure would be nice, though I don't want to spend the money on it.  It's a little difficult to type.

Did I say anything yet about the stupid thing I did in mortgaging a paid off house?  Perhaps I don't feel like going into that right now.

I may sign this off now and be on my way and bring back it back up when I get to my meeting place.

So, I'm sitting at McDonalds at the moment.   Blank page, looking at the Blog Screen.   That Blank page makes it difficult to know what to say, in a way.

I miss my friend.  Did I mention I lost a friend?   Best friend.   Talked every day, almost.  When life was good.   I can't believe the things that have happened.   Can't believe it/them.

Not sure if anything I've said on this Blog, of Everything, makes any sense.

I am going to be on a very fixed income soon.   Very fixed.

I've been reading a great book by an author named Anne Lamott.  Grace Eventually is the title of the book.   I love how she writes.   I hope to be able to write that way some day.  I could go on in volumes of how I love how she writes.  I bought the book, lost the book and found the book.  I was greatly perplexed when I lost the book and very grateful when I found it.   She writes so honestly.  Honestly.  I love that!  The book is separated in sections and incidents in her life with her perspective or is it perspectives---Her thoughts.  So great to read.

I need to meet with someone who's going to look at my budget with me in a few minutes.  I left my cell phone at home, as I've been doing, and I'd like to call and let her know I'm on my way, but, oh well.

Yep, miss my friend.   I think about things we'd talk about, things that confuse me and maybe her.  It was that the things that confused me, confused her, and the things that confused her, confused me.  How I miss that, being able to talk about those things.   Maybe this is going to be an " I Miss Luann blog" now.   Luann.

I wish I had internet connection at the place I live, because to me, blogging is something you do when it "hits" you to do it, not making time for it, or "I have the time now," kind of thing.

I don't get "hash-tags," number/pound signs before titles of things on TV.  I think she'd have the same confusion or answer to it.  She sometimes had answers for my confusions.

Did I say she was my Best Friend?   She was.  She was my Best Friend.

Two people I've emailed haven't emailed me back.  Hope I didn't make a fool of myself in any way.

I miss Luann. 

I sent her a letter, inspired by something Anne Lamott did, when Anne lost a friend.  

I need to meet people.  

Miss Luann.

May not seem like it, as I've said, "I miss Luann," several times, but I think my anti-depressant is starting to work.  I feel differently when I say, "I miss Luann."  Sort of not as sad, although that doesn't make sense.  It's like I'm just "saying it."

But I'll say it again, I miss Luann.    I remember one time I had kind of lost touch with her and called when things in my life had gone bad.  She welcomed me.   I wish it were the same this time.

Well, I should, now, go meet with that friend--I might postpone the meeting for tomorrow.

If you pray, pray for me, whoever would read this.

Well, Now

This is the most depressing blog.    I am not any better in life, kind of worse.   I am on SSI, $710 a month, because of my problem with hearing someone not in the room talk to me.   I hear someone not in the room talking to me.    I have a college degree, almost a Masters in Special Education, and I hear someone not in the room talking to me.   It started in 2007.  Not sure if I ever divulged that.  I think I did, once.

I am the stupidest person in the world.  I mortgaged a paid off house.  Mortgaged a house that was Mine. 

I have been lucky not to lose it up till now and a program called Save the Dream is going to help me stay in it for the next 18 months but Social Security is going to take $257 from my $710 a month.

I have lost a friend.  A very good friend.  My best friend.

I would like this whole blog to start over as I type this, Now.  Start from here.

Going to go through a state program that can help me get a job.

I am all confused on this blog thing anyway. I had one that was something like, www.going to be on Oprah someday. 

Things have got to get better.  Got to.  Just got to.

Will go now.  Wonder where this will show up.

The Cat's Meow, the Cat and...

I was wrong about my cat, Lucky's meow. It's actually like, "uh mre-ah" or "uh-m-reh" and he raises his upper lip and kind of puckers it when he does that.

He's extremely special and he's still here. Skin and bones still, but still eating. Burnt orange and white colored. Used to be fat, but now skinny. Very skinny, and if I ever get out of this hell, I'm going to try to do something to where vets will treat those with parents that have gone broke or maybe started out broke---it's just not fair and not right.

More to say on that topic but not enough time.

I leave myriads of things out here---

But got to go, wash clothes and be ready for tomorrow. Got about 7 appointments this week for the insurance thing.

For Whoever is reading this, or to me and myself----

---C

WAITING FOR CLOTHES TO DRY

Well, I'm waiting for clothes to dry. I wash the clothes I'm going to wear and that's about it.

Did I say someone was going to help me clean the house? What did I say about that? Did I say I felt like a hoarder? She's really nice but everything went wrong when I had to go back and get my stuff out of storage---Did I say anything about that? (Me, dropping my aunt off at the town Senior Center for lunch and she didn't come back, after the woman that runs the place started acting very strange, I had to go and get my stuff out of storage.) Everything was fine until I had to go get my stuff back (and everything was really fine until I had to move my aunt in with me to help make ends meet). Everything was FINE. F. I. N. E.----FINE. I had an empty room, and I had things in a good place, but everything went to hell. Everything went to hell. (oh, my aunt was paying for the storage places---if I just hadn't had to do that, go back and get everything)

The plan is to get everything in what was the empty room, as much as possible.

The people that helped me get the stuff out of storage are really nice. Really nice, and I'm glad they helped me get the stuff out, but they left it on my patio, and I think they may have wanted to get it all situated for me, but I didn't ask and they didn't offer. And, I brought some stuff in the house to try to get it in and after I did that, it got the place looking like crap and it has progressively gotten crappy and more crappy and more crappy.

And I am so tired. So, So, So tired, I can hardly stand it but I have to---my hair is falling out (I have enough hair to make a small ugly sweater), I have dead skin and I can't keep my eyes open for a long period of time, a normal period of time. Terrible, terrible, terrible thing. I think I talked about the tiredness. I don't know what is wrong with me---I think it's thyroid although every doctor since 2004 has said it's not. I was on thyroid medicine b/c a doctor said I was hypo, and things were pretty good, a lot better. I was taken off the medicine b/c the new doctor said I didn't need it, and everything started going slowly down hill.

The doctor that gave me the med. went out of business and when I went to the new doctor, I said I thought I needed a boost in dosage and she said, then, after bloodwork, that it was fine, and I really didn't need to be on the medicine. The thyroid regulates periods, doing something to tell the cycle to begin, and when I went off it, that started getting off---and I have suffered from fatigue since I was in my teens, and I've had problems with the period being normal since then---

oh well---not to confuse with me saying I'M WELL--no, I'm not

And I have another problem to two that's tearing me up---

Well, I think the clothes are dry.

Well---I have a sick cat and he is very, very special. Very, very special cat. I know when he looks at me, he thinks, "I love you. I love you. Oh, I love you." He tries to talk and knows when you are talking. You say something, and he looks at you and does this meow that's not a meow. He raises his lips, opens his mouth and a "mer-wow" comes out but in a quick burst.

There's not a vet's office I've talked to that has said, "Bring him on in." No--they all have a price on them. Each one office I've talked to, and that's about 10, the stupid receptionist says, "Well, it's $$$ for the office call and then..." This is life and death, suffering and peace---not an option. Lucky has lost about 80% of his weight and he used to be a fat cat. And he throws up. Before he throws up, he makes this sound---it's an awful, awful sound. God ! (if there is one)

I have about $50 at the moment and will probably get about $100 or less on Monday. I've sold about $646 worth of insurance with the help of someone but that money hasn't come in and I don't know for sure when it will. It takes awhile with this company for it to be processed and unerwrited and approved. A long while.

I'm afraid I'm going to get thrown out of my house. That just hit me today. Someone from one of the companies I was hoping permanantly forgot about me called today. I shouldn't have that problem--oh God (if there is one) I shouldn't have that problem. Oh, where did I lose myself? Where did I lose that self preservation instinct? How did I think, "Oh, Ok..." My mother stipulated I didn't get the house till I graduated from college. Seems like she should have said not until I was 40.

This life sucks. Sucks.

I'm tired all the time. All the time. I can only keep my head up about 4 hours. Can't get to a doctor.

Someone may help me clean my house but she kind of treated me like a hoarder and I'm not a hoarder.

And I hear these people talking to me, and I don't know who they are or where they are but they talk to me---Sometime it sounds like I'm being protected from things by what some of them say and then there's the Insane, Lunatic, Bad name something that threatens things and re-tells supposed happenings and conversations. I don't know where anyone is.

My car needs new tires and an oil change.

I'm so tired of this life.

So tired.

what's going on with me now

Hum---just in case anyone would be reading this---basically a diary---let's see, last time I did this was, I think, in 2008.

Crap, crap, crap of stuff going on since.

My aunt moved in, I got a job at Wal "something, an M after the l," couldn't work there, started substitute teaching, got denied an interview for a full time job, got my insurance license, still to this day, as of today, haven't been able to find a good company to work with, and am about to pull my Teachers Retirement money because I am so broke, I can't pay attention.

Lots of crap involving my aunt moving in, and she was helping me pay bills and a mortgage I shouldn't have, and I dropped her off at the Senior Citizens Center for lunch one day and the pesky, stupid, mean, nosey, manipulative, nasty, coniving Senior Center director took her to an Assisted Living place and lied a bunch---and supposedly my aunt died in December.

The mortgage to Chase hasn't been paid since July and I am still in my house.

Still looking for the right insurance company and may be going with one this week or next.

Good way to make a lot of money at one time.

And I have fatigue problem. My hair is falling out, I am tired ALL the TIME, could sleep 24 hours a day, and I can't get to a doctor to try to get disability for this Tired Problem. I think it is an underactive thyroid, but the doctors I went to ( about 3 of them) all said I didn't have a thyroid problem. I believe I do though because a doctor put me on Synthroid one time and I kept a normal weight (Oh, I hover at 205 all the time), and I had a normal period. Maybe too much info, but I only have about one period a year, if that---and when I was on the Synthroid, I had a period every month. EVERY MONTH. Well, no one in the medical field thinks I have a thyorid problem, and I BELIEVE this would count as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and I think I could get disability for it (through and only through the Teacher's Retirement System, not through Social Security because I have only really paid into the Teacher's Retirement, which means I'm screwed one day if I don't get something going here b/c I don't have a lot in Social Security and I'm about to pull out what I have in Teacher's Retirement).

I can't go to a doctor because my doctor fired me as a patient. Said I wasn't being cooperative as a patient. Long story but I hated, pretty much, all the time I spent there as a patient, and I need a $175 to go to, I think, a really good doctor. And I am trying not to spend out that much at one time, because I have about $1300 to my immediate name.

I also have another problem I never said anything about---thought I wouldn't say anything about it, but oh well, what the heck now---Back when I started this, "blog," I had come out of a thing that I wasn't sure what it was.

Terribly long story--terribly long and terrible story. What the best way to tell about it? I started hearing someone talk to me that wasn't in the room, after hearing someone through my telephone while I was talking to people and messages being left on my answering machine. Didn't know who exactly was leaving the messages but I thought it was a guy I think I talked about on this thing before---and I was told, through what emerged as a voice from nowhere or everywhere, that it WAS the guy and he had been in the CIA and had been in my house and put things in my house where I could hear him and he could hear me. Started in 2007. And, yet, today, something of it remains. I went to the hospital in the spring of 2008, shortly before I started this thing, because it was becoming too perplexing. Was supposed to sometime see the guy and then, something I can't quite go into, was preventing us from seeing each other, and I got really perplexed and frustrated and went to the hospital. Was told I had a "delusional disorder," which I really interpreted as schizophrenia.

What I began hearing became really scary, frightening, s***, and I went to a free county clinic I was supposed to go to. Got on some medicine, and called a guy that was a demonologist--he did a ritual on me and my house and the voice(s) went away. Until, August of 2008. The demonologist thought it was demons making me hear voices and had mimicked the voice of the guy I talked about--But I heard something in August that made me do something again, that you may not understand, but after I did that---all hell broke loose again, and I am still hearing people or someone talk to me, but isn't in the room and not on the phone.

I believe, now, though, that I understand what was and is happening. There's a thing that certain and only certain people know about, and it involves use of a satellite and something called V2K (Voice to Skull Technology). And if someone has been in a certain occupution and capacity, they will know how to use these things to torture someone and make them think, and others think, that they are schizophrenic. I have been told, in this way and have come to believe, that someone my mom had as a student, became a CIA agent, and found out about this stuff, and started doing this to me.

Life is hell. I have this problem and I am so broke, and I have like, no family now and about 3 friends. That is my life, and my house is disgusting. Absolutly disgusting. I am so tired I can't clean it and my aunt moving in and out caused my house to be altered. I took stuff to a storage place and had to bring it back but couldn't get it all back in my house. I brought in what I could, dumped it in a bedroom and my living room, and things are not at all as they should be.

Not at all.

So, everything is crappy. It could be worse but I am trying to keep it from getting that way.

I hope that I will have enough money when I get my Teacher's Retirement out, in 30 days, to maybe get a good trailer, so I don't have to worry anymore about anything hanging over my head, if I get threatened with being kicked out of my house (I shouldn't have a mortgage).

I hope I can sell some insurance. That's all I have wanted to do since 2009, when I got my license.

I work at Chinese restaurant and make about $7 an hour about 3 hours a day.

I get about $130 a week right now.

And I have to be there in an hour and a half. I could take a nap, but I really can't.

The guy that was my mom's student, I think, talked all night. He is a lunatic. I hear crazy, stupid, insane, aseful stuff from this guy, that I can't see. It's like a heavy whisper, and oh--I can't get disability for schizophrenia, because the doctors at the free clinic don't want to write anything on a piece of paper, and they want to Give Me Medicine, and a 500 count questionaire, and They Are Against People Getting Disability for whatever may mentally ill them. It's against their philosophy to help people get Disability. Now, if I was eligible for Social Security Disability, They Would Send Records, but That's All. I wish i could say what the name of the place is, but even though, I think I'm the only person reading this, I do'nt want to take a meager chance that I would get slapped with a slander suit or something. I HATE THE PLACE and the People There.

So, anyway---I have the sympotoms of schizophrenia but can't get disability for it.

Well, I'm tired and I think I will close this here today.