At the meeting place

Well, I'm at the meeting place now.   I think I'm just going to sit and relax for a few minutes.

How I need a manicure.  Need my nails trimmed/cut and filed.  I hate typing.

It's about 1:40 as I begin to write, or "relax."

Something that bugs me about the job program (is that the title I gave it, described it  a couple minutes ago?)  is that I don't know anything really specific, and this subject interrupts my "relaxing," but thought I'd say it.  I don't know how exactly---there's an agency that goes along with the agency and "helps" me find a job, I think.  Mark, my Case Worker, pulls up openings though on websites, sometimes, and tries to propel me to go out on my own and get a job.  I'm looking for things in the Human Services field, because I have a degree in Psychology and almost a Masters in Special Education.  The woman that is involved with the Job Program suggested MR/DD, which has been changed to just Developmental Disabilities.  It's nice those first two letters got dropped---the MR.

15 till 2:00.

Well, I am going to close and yes, try to relax. 

Just sitting here at McDonalds.  Have a meeting with a friend at 2:00.  It's around 12:42 as I start to write this.  Got time on my hands, as is obvious.  Obvious in another way.  All I have now is Time.

Those two people who didn't email me back emailed me back.  Good.

I am accepting the "schizophrenia" diagnosis, because I need help, and it helps me get help.   I have a Case Worker who helps and I just met with him.  I'm trying to get involved with a program that will help me get a job.  It's frustrating.   It's a process--the program.   Mark, my Case Manager, thinks I can get a job easily and be gainfully employed.

I'm in counseling.

I feel life is hopeless but I have no choice but to keep going.

I need to clip my nails and file them, but I dread doing that.  A manicure would be nice, though I don't want to spend the money on it.  It's a little difficult to type.

Did I say anything yet about the stupid thing I did in mortgaging a paid off house?  Perhaps I don't feel like going into that right now.

I may sign this off now and be on my way and bring back it back up when I get to my meeting place.

So, I'm sitting at McDonalds at the moment.   Blank page, looking at the Blog Screen.   That Blank page makes it difficult to know what to say, in a way.

I miss my friend.  Did I mention I lost a friend?   Best friend.   Talked every day, almost.  When life was good.   I can't believe the things that have happened.   Can't believe it/them.

Not sure if anything I've said on this Blog, of Everything, makes any sense.

I am going to be on a very fixed income soon.   Very fixed.

I've been reading a great book by an author named Anne Lamott.  Grace Eventually is the title of the book.   I love how she writes.   I hope to be able to write that way some day.  I could go on in volumes of how I love how she writes.  I bought the book, lost the book and found the book.  I was greatly perplexed when I lost the book and very grateful when I found it.   She writes so honestly.  Honestly.  I love that!  The book is separated in sections and incidents in her life with her perspective or is it perspectives---Her thoughts.  So great to read.

I need to meet with someone who's going to look at my budget with me in a few minutes.  I left my cell phone at home, as I've been doing, and I'd like to call and let her know I'm on my way, but, oh well.

Yep, miss my friend.   I think about things we'd talk about, things that confuse me and maybe her.  It was that the things that confused me, confused her, and the things that confused her, confused me.  How I miss that, being able to talk about those things.   Maybe this is going to be an " I Miss Luann blog" now.   Luann.

I wish I had internet connection at the place I live, because to me, blogging is something you do when it "hits" you to do it, not making time for it, or "I have the time now," kind of thing.

I don't get "hash-tags," number/pound signs before titles of things on TV.  I think she'd have the same confusion or answer to it.  She sometimes had answers for my confusions.

Did I say she was my Best Friend?   She was.  She was my Best Friend.

Two people I've emailed haven't emailed me back.  Hope I didn't make a fool of myself in any way.

I miss Luann. 

I sent her a letter, inspired by something Anne Lamott did, when Anne lost a friend.  

I need to meet people.  

Miss Luann.

May not seem like it, as I've said, "I miss Luann," several times, but I think my anti-depressant is starting to work.  I feel differently when I say, "I miss Luann."  Sort of not as sad, although that doesn't make sense.  It's like I'm just "saying it."

But I'll say it again, I miss Luann.    I remember one time I had kind of lost touch with her and called when things in my life had gone bad.  She welcomed me.   I wish it were the same this time.

Well, I should, now, go meet with that friend--I might postpone the meeting for tomorrow.

If you pray, pray for me, whoever would read this.

Well, Now

This is the most depressing blog.    I am not any better in life, kind of worse.   I am on SSI, $710 a month, because of my problem with hearing someone not in the room talk to me.   I hear someone not in the room talking to me.    I have a college degree, almost a Masters in Special Education, and I hear someone not in the room talking to me.   It started in 2007.  Not sure if I ever divulged that.  I think I did, once.

I am the stupidest person in the world.  I mortgaged a paid off house.  Mortgaged a house that was Mine. 

I have been lucky not to lose it up till now and a program called Save the Dream is going to help me stay in it for the next 18 months but Social Security is going to take $257 from my $710 a month.

I have lost a friend.  A very good friend.  My best friend.

I would like this whole blog to start over as I type this, Now.  Start from here.

Going to go through a state program that can help me get a job.

I am all confused on this blog thing anyway. I had one that was something like, www.going to be on Oprah someday. 

Things have got to get better.  Got to.  Just got to.

Will go now.  Wonder where this will show up.

The Cat's Meow, the Cat and...

I was wrong about my cat, Lucky's meow. It's actually like, "uh mre-ah" or "uh-m-reh" and he raises his upper lip and kind of puckers it when he does that.

He's extremely special and he's still here. Skin and bones still, but still eating. Burnt orange and white colored. Used to be fat, but now skinny. Very skinny, and if I ever get out of this hell, I'm going to try to do something to where vets will treat those with parents that have gone broke or maybe started out broke---it's just not fair and not right.

More to say on that topic but not enough time.

I leave myriads of things out here---

But got to go, wash clothes and be ready for tomorrow. Got about 7 appointments this week for the insurance thing.

For Whoever is reading this, or to me and myself----

---C

WAITING FOR CLOTHES TO DRY

Well, I'm waiting for clothes to dry. I wash the clothes I'm going to wear and that's about it.

Did I say someone was going to help me clean the house? What did I say about that? Did I say I felt like a hoarder? She's really nice but everything went wrong when I had to go back and get my stuff out of storage---Did I say anything about that? (Me, dropping my aunt off at the town Senior Center for lunch and she didn't come back, after the woman that runs the place started acting very strange, I had to go and get my stuff out of storage.) Everything was fine until I had to go get my stuff back (and everything was really fine until I had to move my aunt in with me to help make ends meet). Everything was FINE. F. I. N. E.----FINE. I had an empty room, and I had things in a good place, but everything went to hell. Everything went to hell. (oh, my aunt was paying for the storage places---if I just hadn't had to do that, go back and get everything)

The plan is to get everything in what was the empty room, as much as possible.

The people that helped me get the stuff out of storage are really nice. Really nice, and I'm glad they helped me get the stuff out, but they left it on my patio, and I think they may have wanted to get it all situated for me, but I didn't ask and they didn't offer. And, I brought some stuff in the house to try to get it in and after I did that, it got the place looking like crap and it has progressively gotten crappy and more crappy and more crappy.

And I am so tired. So, So, So tired, I can hardly stand it but I have to---my hair is falling out (I have enough hair to make a small ugly sweater), I have dead skin and I can't keep my eyes open for a long period of time, a normal period of time. Terrible, terrible, terrible thing. I think I talked about the tiredness. I don't know what is wrong with me---I think it's thyroid although every doctor since 2004 has said it's not. I was on thyroid medicine b/c a doctor said I was hypo, and things were pretty good, a lot better. I was taken off the medicine b/c the new doctor said I didn't need it, and everything started going slowly down hill.

The doctor that gave me the med. went out of business and when I went to the new doctor, I said I thought I needed a boost in dosage and she said, then, after bloodwork, that it was fine, and I really didn't need to be on the medicine. The thyroid regulates periods, doing something to tell the cycle to begin, and when I went off it, that started getting off---and I have suffered from fatigue since I was in my teens, and I've had problems with the period being normal since then---

oh well---not to confuse with me saying I'M WELL--no, I'm not

And I have another problem to two that's tearing me up---

Well, I think the clothes are dry.

Well---I have a sick cat and he is very, very special. Very, very special cat. I know when he looks at me, he thinks, "I love you. I love you. Oh, I love you." He tries to talk and knows when you are talking. You say something, and he looks at you and does this meow that's not a meow. He raises his lips, opens his mouth and a "mer-wow" comes out but in a quick burst.

There's not a vet's office I've talked to that has said, "Bring him on in." No--they all have a price on them. Each one office I've talked to, and that's about 10, the stupid receptionist says, "Well, it's $$$ for the office call and then..." This is life and death, suffering and peace---not an option. Lucky has lost about 80% of his weight and he used to be a fat cat. And he throws up. Before he throws up, he makes this sound---it's an awful, awful sound. God ! (if there is one)

I have about $50 at the moment and will probably get about $100 or less on Monday. I've sold about $646 worth of insurance with the help of someone but that money hasn't come in and I don't know for sure when it will. It takes awhile with this company for it to be processed and unerwrited and approved. A long while.

I'm afraid I'm going to get thrown out of my house. That just hit me today. Someone from one of the companies I was hoping permanantly forgot about me called today. I shouldn't have that problem--oh God (if there is one) I shouldn't have that problem. Oh, where did I lose myself? Where did I lose that self preservation instinct? How did I think, "Oh, Ok..." My mother stipulated I didn't get the house till I graduated from college. Seems like she should have said not until I was 40.

This life sucks. Sucks.

I'm tired all the time. All the time. I can only keep my head up about 4 hours. Can't get to a doctor.

Someone may help me clean my house but she kind of treated me like a hoarder and I'm not a hoarder.

And I hear these people talking to me, and I don't know who they are or where they are but they talk to me---Sometime it sounds like I'm being protected from things by what some of them say and then there's the Insane, Lunatic, Bad name something that threatens things and re-tells supposed happenings and conversations. I don't know where anyone is.

My car needs new tires and an oil change.

I'm so tired of this life.

So tired.