So, I got another job.  Not one to replace Dominos but in addition.  I am taking call surveys.  Taking calls for responder surveys.  It's in a town called Milford.  My cousin's ex/current/ex, I don't know boyfriend is going to work there too.  It's about a 40-minute drive.  

That should help with the bills but the gasoline cost.  I'm a little worried about the gasoline cost.

I had an opportunity to long-term sub for an Intervention Specialist (special education teacher) and I shadowed her, but I didn't feel comfortable in the role.  I also was offered the other job.

I worked at Fairfield High School last year, and I feel that was my last "Harah" in the Special Education arena.

I forgot I had to shadow the teacher yesterday, and thank goodness my alarm went off.  I worked late and went to sleep late, so I slept A LOT last night.  Went to sleep around 7 pm and slept till 11 am, when Joe got me up.  Joe's my dog, in case you don't know.

Looks like a lot of my sentences start with "I."

Looks like I lost an additional friend.  I emailed her about our lapse in communication and said I was sorry for whatever caused the lapse, or so, and I never heard from her.  I ran into her once A LONG TIME AGO and I couldn't go into all the stuff I had been through up to that point, but I have a feeling it was over the schizophrenia (whatever!) stuff.  I had told her about the hearing things, when it initially started, and she said it sounded like schizophrenia.  Something, I don't know what, happened after that.  I tried talking to her on the phone in 2009, and she sounded really despondent, if that's the word.  

She was the only person who commented on my initial blogs.

I"m just tired.  I want a new house or I want this house fixed up to where I feel it's a home.

I need like 3 storage units.  I don't get rid of stuff cause I know that one day I will get out of this situation and there will be a place for some stuff.

I think I said "stuff" 5 times already but oh, well.

Oh, General Hospital.

The lives the "people" lead.

Jason wasn't really Jason when "he" came back.  Sam had a baby by another man, thinking he was Jason.  I was hoping Steve Burton would come back as the current Jason, as they weren't showing his face for awhile.  Interesting twist, it would have been, although I like the guy playing the current Jason, known Jason.

As I said before, I watch the shows on HGTV, and I wonder how I will ever get to be able to have a new house, and I wonder how the people buying houses/and fixing up those houses, can have the ability to do so.  I wonder.  I wonder.  I wonder.  Why, when I started at AFLAC in 1998, didn't everyone I talked to on the phone, to set up appointments, say, "Hey, come on in. I'd love to meet with you next week."    Oh my God, Why?    Why, then, if I met with them, would they have not said, "Oh, yes.  I'd love to offer those benefits to the employees.  Let's do it next week."

Oh my God.

God.

My life has been a wreck.  I complete wreck.  A train wreck (why do we compare disasters to train wrecks?).

I don't get it.  I just don't get it.  I'm 43 now.   If a movie is made about my mom, I don't want it to be about me meeting a guy.  I don't want that included.  I don't want the rest of my life included.  I want it to be left when I was 19 and going to college in the early days, and that is all.  That's all.

Dreams about my mom---I dream about my mom.  Mostly, now, I dream that we are having money problems.  Sad.  Really sad. Horrible that I have to dream about that.  Used to dream she was insanely angry at me but thank goodnesss, I haven't had any of those dreams lately.  In good dreams I've had, we go out to eat, we do things that would be normal that we would do or had done.

I'm sick and I'm tired.  Probably said that a lot but I have to keep going.

Please Read. September 2017. Long Over Due Updates.

Oh, the naive person I was when I wrote all these things on this blog.  It's been 10 years since I started this blog, and I think 2 people read it.  All I have been through.  I can't believe all I have been through and that my life has gone the way it has---

Something I didn't say when I started this blog, is that I was hearing things.  I was hearing things as I started this blog. I started hearing people not in the room talking to me in the summer of 2007.  I could write a book about the start of this and up to now, and I wish someone would help me do that---It would be a big chore, but I think it needs to be done.  I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, but I walk around knowing it's not that disease, and I know I sound schizophrenic if I say I know it's not schizophrenia but here I go.  It's because of this guy I went out with one time in 1996.  I said "no" to a second date and he at some point found a way through something to do with a satellite, to make me hear things.  I know how that sounds.

I never met Oprah.  Her show ended.  Why did I want to be on Oprah, anyway????

I almost lost my house.

I lost friends.

I struggle today with severe fatigue and sleepiness while I TRY to work.  Got a job at Dominos Pizza in Franklin, where I live, delivering pizzas.  Dominos is the hardest job since trying to work at a factory.  The pizza bags are heavy, it's boring, and just exhausting.

Just wish some people would read this.

Oh, I was so full of hope when I started this blog.

I am trying to start a new blog, new re-creation but I'm having problems finding the correct space on the web---website, etc.

I lost two special aunts and pets.  Special pets passed away, and some with sad stories of how they passed.

I lost parts of myself and my life. Lost parts.

I am trying to get out of working two jobs.  Trying to substitute teach (In Case I Don't Mention it or Haven't Mentioned It).  I've only done it twice this month.  Only Twice.  Was supposed to 3 times a week to handle the new car, other needs, etc.

I am creative.

My house needs to be fixed up, badly.  I need help with my house---need to turn my family room into a dining room, my garage into a family room and need new cabinets in my kitchen.  I need flooring.  I need paint.  I need extra space.

My cousin and her boyfriend/ex-boyfriend moved in.

IF I EVER GET OUT OF THE HELL I'M LIVING IN, I WANT TO DO THESE THINGS:

Start a vet clinic for people who can't pay for their pets' medical care, perhaps be a charitable entity. People who just want to support it can come, too, and make donations for care.

Start an organization that fixes up people's houses, people who can't afford to because of lack of income or reasonable debts, hardships.

Start a foundation to pay people's mortgages or rent or pay off mortgages if hardship is shown.

This goes along with previous thought---start a movement and foundation for vets who have patient parents that can't pay.

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I've experienced a need in all the previous thoughts---had problems getting vets to care for my pets when I had very little income.  I finally found one vet who would let me pay on a monthly basis, and I will be forever grateful.

My house has fallen into disrepair, and I know the toll it takes on someone to live in a place that does not look like a home.

I wanted to start the Paying Off People's Mortgages at the start of this blog. Don't know if I talked about it.  I was going to do it through a product called VEMMA.

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I live in some physical and emotional pain.  I was supposed to start subbing (substitute teaching) this month (September of 2017) but I haven't.  I've only worked at Domino's.  (Subbed twice).

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My special education teaching license expired and I took 12 hours at Xavier University, in Cincinnati, last year to renew that license.  I don't want to do the teaching job full time, now.

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I bought a new car but if I don't start working more or something, I could be in danger of losing it or the house.  I needed a new car.  My other car has had many problems but I kept it because it's paid for and in case I lose this one.  It also is good to take my dog to the vet in it.  It fits the kennel I have to put him in--he doesn't travel well.  He is a Schi Zhu--Joe.

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I shouldn't have a mortgage.  It's a shameful thing in my life.  My mother passed in 1993 and left me a paid off house.  I made some financial mistakes and mortgaged my paid off house.
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I patched things up with my uncle.

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What do I like?  What are hobbies?

I like/love coffee.  I love the HGTV shows and I watch as I drink my coffee mid-morning and covet the home improvements and covet new houses people will buy.

I watch YouTube videos of people putting on make up.  It's relaxing and intriguing for me.  I have a big stash of it myself, and I've spent saved money on it.  Probably not very wise expenditures but I consider it a way to get some happiness in life.  I love makeup.

I come up with ideas that I wish I could execute, like above, but I can't do anything.  I feel blocked and silenced in a way---I feel helpless---totally, completely helpless.

I've been knocked down so many times and I get up.  Somehow, I get up.  But, I"m tired.  I'm tired.

I love Anne Lamott books.  One late summer, into fall, I read one of her books, while sitting on my back patio.  I was waiting on Save The Dream, which made my mortgage payments for a while, to come through.  The scenery was so serene--my little Rat Terrier would lie on the patio, I'd sit in a chair and I would drink coffee, reading her book.

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Maybe I will write more, later, but I feel this site is junked up.  Badly.