To have told him I loved him

I wish I would have told him I loved him. I wish I could say that now, "I loved you."

So, I got another job.  Not one to replace Dominos but in addition.  I am taking call surveys.  Taking calls for responder surveys.  It's in a town called Milford.  My cousin's ex/current/ex, I don't know boyfriend is going to work there too.  It's about a 40-minute drive.  

That should help with the bills but the gasoline cost.  I'm a little worried about the gasoline cost.

I had an opportunity to long-term sub for an Intervention Specialist (special education teacher) and I shadowed her, but I didn't feel comfortable in the role.  I also was offered the other job.

I worked at Fairfield High School last year, and I feel that was my last "Harah" in the Special Education arena.

I forgot I had to shadow the teacher yesterday, and thank goodness my alarm went off.  I worked late and went to sleep late, so I slept A LOT last night.  Went to sleep around 7 pm and slept till 11 am, when Joe got me up.  Joe's my dog, in case you don't know.

Looks like a lot of my sentences start with "I."

Looks like I lost an additional friend.  I emailed her about our lapse in communication and said I was sorry for whatever caused the lapse, or so, and I never heard from her.  I ran into her once A LONG TIME AGO and I couldn't go into all the stuff I had been through up to that point, but I have a feeling it was over the schizophrenia (whatever!) stuff.  I had told her about the hearing things, when it initially started, and she said it sounded like schizophrenia.  Something, I don't know what, happened after that.  I tried talking to her on the phone in 2009, and she sounded really despondent, if that's the word.  

She was the only person who commented on my initial blogs.

I"m just tired.  I want a new house or I want this house fixed up to where I feel it's a home.

I need like 3 storage units.  I don't get rid of stuff cause I know that one day I will get out of this situation and there will be a place for some stuff.

I think I said "stuff" 5 times already but oh, well.

Oh, General Hospital.

The lives the "people" lead.

Jason wasn't really Jason when "he" came back.  Sam had a baby by another man, thinking he was Jason.  I was hoping Steve Burton would come back as the current Jason, as they weren't showing his face for awhile.  Interesting twist, it would have been, although I like the guy playing the current Jason, known Jason.

As I said before, I watch the shows on HGTV, and I wonder how I will ever get to be able to have a new house, and I wonder how the people buying houses/and fixing up those houses, can have the ability to do so.  I wonder.  I wonder.  I wonder.  Why, when I started at AFLAC in 1998, didn't everyone I talked to on the phone, to set up appointments, say, "Hey, come on in. I'd love to meet with you next week."    Oh my God, Why?    Why, then, if I met with them, would they have not said, "Oh, yes.  I'd love to offer those benefits to the employees.  Let's do it next week."

Oh my God.

God.

My life has been a wreck.  I complete wreck.  A train wreck (why do we compare disasters to train wrecks?).

I don't get it.  I just don't get it.  I'm 43 now.   If a movie is made about my mom, I don't want it to be about me meeting a guy.  I don't want that included.  I don't want the rest of my life included.  I want it to be left when I was 19 and going to college in the early days, and that is all.  That's all.

Dreams about my mom---I dream about my mom.  Mostly, now, I dream that we are having money problems.  Sad.  Really sad. Horrible that I have to dream about that.  Used to dream she was insanely angry at me but thank goodnesss, I haven't had any of those dreams lately.  In good dreams I've had, we go out to eat, we do things that would be normal that we would do or had done.

I'm sick and I'm tired.  Probably said that a lot but I have to keep going.

Please Read. September 2017. Long Over Due Updates.

Oh, the naive person I was when I wrote all these things on this blog.  It's been 10 years since I started this blog, and I think 2 people read it.  All I have been through.  I can't believe all I have been through and that my life has gone the way it has---

Something I didn't say when I started this blog, is that I was hearing things.  I was hearing things as I started this blog. I started hearing people not in the room talking to me in the summer of 2007.  I could write a book about the start of this and up to now, and I wish someone would help me do that---It would be a big chore, but I think it needs to be done.  I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, but I walk around knowing it's not that disease, and I know I sound schizophrenic if I say I know it's not schizophrenia but here I go.  It's because of this guy I went out with one time in 1996.  I said "no" to a second date and he at some point found a way through something to do with a satellite, to make me hear things.  I know how that sounds.

I never met Oprah.  Her show ended.  Why did I want to be on Oprah, anyway????

I almost lost my house.

I lost friends.

I struggle today with severe fatigue and sleepiness while I TRY to work.  Got a job at Dominos Pizza in Franklin, where I live, delivering pizzas.  Dominos is the hardest job since trying to work at a factory.  The pizza bags are heavy, it's boring, and just exhausting.

Just wish some people would read this.

Oh, I was so full of hope when I started this blog.

I am trying to start a new blog, new re-creation but I'm having problems finding the correct space on the web---website, etc.

I lost two special aunts and pets.  Special pets passed away, and some with sad stories of how they passed.

I lost parts of myself and my life. Lost parts.

I am trying to get out of working two jobs.  Trying to substitute teach (In Case I Don't Mention it or Haven't Mentioned It).  I've only done it twice this month.  Only Twice.  Was supposed to 3 times a week to handle the new car, other needs, etc.

I am creative.

My house needs to be fixed up, badly.  I need help with my house---need to turn my family room into a dining room, my garage into a family room and need new cabinets in my kitchen.  I need flooring.  I need paint.  I need extra space.

My cousin and her boyfriend/ex-boyfriend moved in.

IF I EVER GET OUT OF THE HELL I'M LIVING IN, I WANT TO DO THESE THINGS:

Start a vet clinic for people who can't pay for their pets' medical care, perhaps be a charitable entity. People who just want to support it can come, too, and make donations for care.

Start an organization that fixes up people's houses, people who can't afford to because of lack of income or reasonable debts, hardships.

Start a foundation to pay people's mortgages or rent or pay off mortgages if hardship is shown.

This goes along with previous thought---start a movement and foundation for vets who have patient parents that can't pay.

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I've experienced a need in all the previous thoughts---had problems getting vets to care for my pets when I had very little income.  I finally found one vet who would let me pay on a monthly basis, and I will be forever grateful.

My house has fallen into disrepair, and I know the toll it takes on someone to live in a place that does not look like a home.

I wanted to start the Paying Off People's Mortgages at the start of this blog. Don't know if I talked about it.  I was going to do it through a product called VEMMA.

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I live in some physical and emotional pain.  I was supposed to start subbing (substitute teaching) this month (September of 2017) but I haven't.  I've only worked at Domino's.  (Subbed twice).

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My special education teaching license expired and I took 12 hours at Xavier University, in Cincinnati, last year to renew that license.  I don't want to do the teaching job full time, now.

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I bought a new car but if I don't start working more or something, I could be in danger of losing it or the house.  I needed a new car.  My other car has had many problems but I kept it because it's paid for and in case I lose this one.  It also is good to take my dog to the vet in it.  It fits the kennel I have to put him in--he doesn't travel well.  He is a Schi Zhu--Joe.

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I shouldn't have a mortgage.  It's a shameful thing in my life.  My mother passed in 1993 and left me a paid off house.  I made some financial mistakes and mortgaged my paid off house.
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I patched things up with my uncle.

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What do I like?  What are hobbies?

I like/love coffee.  I love the HGTV shows and I watch as I drink my coffee mid-morning and covet the home improvements and covet new houses people will buy.

I watch YouTube videos of people putting on make up.  It's relaxing and intriguing for me.  I have a big stash of it myself, and I've spent saved money on it.  Probably not very wise expenditures but I consider it a way to get some happiness in life.  I love makeup.

I come up with ideas that I wish I could execute, like above, but I can't do anything.  I feel blocked and silenced in a way---I feel helpless---totally, completely helpless.

I've been knocked down so many times and I get up.  Somehow, I get up.  But, I"m tired.  I'm tired.

I love Anne Lamott books.  One late summer, into fall, I read one of her books, while sitting on my back patio.  I was waiting on Save The Dream, which made my mortgage payments for a while, to come through.  The scenery was so serene--my little Rat Terrier would lie on the patio, I'd sit in a chair and I would drink coffee, reading her book.

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Maybe I will write more, later, but I feel this site is junked up.  Badly.

The Story of my Life, Chapter 2

My mom tried to stay on good terms with my dad's family.  I had an aunt Robin, aunt Rosie, aunt Jane, aunt Johanna, aunt Betty, and aunt Mary.  I also had an uncle Bob, uncle George, uncle Bill and uncle Donnie. Rosie, Jane and Johanna lived together at 618 Anderson Street in Franklin and Robin lived up the street, on Union Rd.  Robin had a special place in the family, often consulted on major and minor matters by Rosie, Johanna and Jane.  Robin was the next to oldest.  She had graduated from high school and held a job at the telephone company, from which she retired.

My three aunts (Rosie, Jane and Johanna) cared for me while my mother taught school and they lived right around the corner from the school.  Jane would come out to my house and talk to my mom in the mornings and pick up things around the house, minor house cleaning, after my mom would go to school, then I would get up and she'd take me "down to the house."   They were so good.  So good.  I had a charmed life.  I would sometimes walk to Robin's under the careful watch of my other aunts or sometimes walk to the grocery with Johanna or Donnie, who would visit, always being asked, "now, what do you want?"  My mother would pick me up, promptly after school and we would go home.

When I began kindergarten, my mother had me go to Anthony Wayne Elementary School, closest to my aunt's house.  I got on the bus at noon and she would pick me up after school.  I hated kindergarten.  Cried almost every day and begged by Rosie to stop crying.  "It hurt her ears and got on her nerves."

In first grade, I went to George H. Gerke Elementary, closer to my house and where my neighborhood friends went.  I went there in second grade, also.

But in third grade, my mother sent me to Middletown Christian, because something horrible happened at her school.  She was unjustifiably fired in the middle of the year, 1982-83 school year.  She was said to be "incompetent," but that was far from the truth.  I know I could be biased in my opinion, because I'm her daughter, but it was far, far from the truth.  I heard about her teaching, witnessed her persona which was reality, saw former students talk to her---I knew she wasn't incompetent.

The Story of my Life, Chapter 1

I want to write the story of my life, and I am thinking about starting Here, on this blog.

I want to be heard, and I want to talk.  I think my Talking is the only way I'm going survive the next 15 months (when the program, Save the Dream, stops making my mortgage payments). 

There's a Stuart Smalley quote, "I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me!" and this is how I feel, and it gives me inspiration to try to Get Myself Out There. 

This blog says a lot about me, but not my past, and not enough about my Present.  This is my attempt to get something out there, and if a lot of people could refer what they read to everyone they know, I'd appreciate it.  I want to be known.  (If Google's Blogger Statistics are true, it seems that 700 people have viewed my posts in Russia and Europe, but none in the US.  Pass this on, and don't pay much attention to my early posts.  They are really very stupid)

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My name is Cindy, although, on my birth certificate, it says, "Katherine Lucinda Taylor."  I went through school having to explain why I was called Cindy, when my first name is Katherine.  "My middle name is Lucinda, and that's how I get Cindy."   I was born on November 20th, 1974, at the Jewish Hospital in Cincinnati, Ohio.  I live in Franklin, Ohio and have my whole life.  And, I'm 39.

I was an only child, to a beautiful, incredibly smart and wise woman, Bernice Yvnonne Boggs Taylor.  She was from Harlan, Kentucky.  I spent many vacations in Harlan, and I have solid memories of it.  I feel as if it were a second home.  My mom knew people and people knew her.  She knew people well, and I loved seeing her meet some of them and talk to them.  I could tell there was a past, but somehow the past wasn't really past.  It was as if she was grounded there, and I know she was.  It was her grounding.  It was her home.  It was belonging.  Kind of like the "Cheers" theme song, "where everybody knows your name."

She almost didn't go to college.  Her self esteem was lacking and she felt tied to her family and the demands of being the oldest child and oldest sibling.  House chores were her job and always had been, as my grandmother was a school teacher, coming from Illinois on mission work to the hills of Kentucky to teach the Appalachian people.  My grandmother worked all the time and went to college to complete her own school work.  My mother cared for my aunt, who was nine years younger than her, My mother was two years older than her brother.  My grandmother left my mother in charge of everything, except discipline of my aunt.  She fought with my aunt over her taking a bath and would have to drag Cleta to Aunt Artie's house to take a bath, and Artie would have to bribe my aunt or prod her, to take a bath.  My grandfather was a work horse, who started out in the coal mines and then, later to a lumberyard and a bakery.  He was a very kind man, sweet and sincere.  I loved my grandfather and my grandmother.

My mother made excellent grades, and a college recruiter from Union College came to their house and sat on the front porch and persuaded my mom to go to college.  She excelled, too, at Union, majoring in biology.  She graduated and went straight to the University of Kentucky where she obtained her Masters degree in Education, in 1959.  Extraordinary woman.

She was a brunet and had such a unique color of brown eyes---I don't even know if brown was the color.  Light, light brown, with (a color I can't remember) hue around the pupil.  Voluptuous lips.  A small space between her two front teeth.  Hair worn as a shampoo and roller set most of her life.  Beautiful woman.

She became engaged to a professor from the University of Kentucky, but my grandmother and the family was kind of ignorant at the time (1950's, 60's) and had her break off the engagement to him, as he was from India, and said that if she did not, she would be disowned.  It was a painful decision, but she did so.  She sent his ring back to him from Franklin, Ohio, where he had helped her find a job, her first job.

She taught in Harlan and pursued extra courses in Science around the southern area of the country and Ohio State.  She made many friends, and kept in touch with them, until her death in 1994. She would also come back to teach in Franklin, and in 1972, decided to make Franklin her new home, her new grounding.

One day, she was having a meal at a restaurant called Jerry's, a restaurant across the street from where she rented a room, in a house owned by Bernie Culp, a long standing member of the Franklin community.  The waitress told her that a gentleman was asking about her.  My mom told the waitress she would be sitting across the street on the porch if he wanted to join her when she got done eating.  He joined her and she found he was divorced.  She said she wouldn't see him until he produced divorce papers, and he did.  They started to see each other.  He came from a large family in town and she had a difficult time keeping everyone's names straight, as everyone had nicknames.  He owned a lawn care business and had just moved back to Franklin from Washington state, where he had relocated with a family.  He left the family behind.

My mom and dad were married November 2, 1973.  He wanted to renovate houses and sell them for profit, and they moved into one of those houses after they were married.  It was not in good condition. and my mom was not happy with the conditions.  She had just gotten married and was living in this crappy house.  She found out in March of 1974 that she was pregnant with me, amidst ill affairs between my dad and his sisters.  The business was failing and he was having problems with men that worked for him (who also were co-workers of my mom's).  He didn't have the money to send to his children in Washington state and was no longer speaking to his sisters.

One July, Sunday evening, he and my mom were on their way to a second job of his, which he took over from my uncle who had passed, and he talked almost prophetically that he was going to die.  "If anything ever happens to me, don't go back to Kentucky to live.  That baby is going to be close to your heart."  He was a janitor for a bank in town and he went outside to trim the hedges around a pool of water and never returned inside.  My mom waited inside the bank and she decided to go check on him.  She found him lying down.  She called the police.  He was dead.  She stopped by my aunts' house to tell them the news.  "He's gone," she said.  "Oh, he's just blowing off steam.  He'll be back," they said.  "No, he's dead," she clarified.  He had the wallet on him and they were going to put gasoline in the car on the way back to the house, which was in Middletown, so one of my aunts went with her to the gas station and paid for the gasoline and went on with her to the hospital. 

I was born in November.

Here at McDonalds (again), but I can type, or at least I think.   Clipped my nails and filed them.  Yay.

So, I can type.

I'm out later than usual.  Tried to take a couple naps.  Let Janie the dog see the sun go down before putting her up in the bathroom, which I usually do before leaving the house.

Life, life, life.

It's got to get better.

So, I'm just sitting here, watching the Fox station that they have on here at McDonalds and listening to the music they have going---Serious XM???   Something like that.

Huckabee program on.


I miss the more than 3 channel tv, and I hate most of what is on it.  I'm a prude now, I guess.  Undercover Boss episode last night had no over-cover on the girls on it last night.   I can't believe it was on CBS.  I would classify it as minor porn.  But, there's a restaurant where women/girls walk around with their chests hanging out, or what is on their chests, and there's nothing wrong with it.  Wow.  The other night, on the Big Bang Theory, you could see almost down this girl's shirt.  Basically, what was on Undercover Boss.  Except they were just hanging.   More than I care to see, and I don't know why there's "nothing wrong with it."  Someone, tell me.

I love McDonalds food and that is so bad.  I love French fries.  I love their Grilled Chicken McWraps.  There must be a ton of salt in the Wraps because they are so good.

I only try to come to McD's once a week, but as you can tell from, "Just sitting here at McDonalds" all the time, I've been here more than once a week.  Trying to deal with it in the budget, too.

I had a coupon for "Buy a McWrap and get a free fry and drink."

Something very interesting happened last week but I'm afraid to write about it publicly.  I got propositioned by a married man and it had been ensuing for about 14 years.  There's more to say but I won't.

I could eat a couple more things.

Could talk about my best friend I lost.  I called her sister more than a month ago, and I pried into about Luann.  She told me that they were on a trip cause Luann and her husband were buying and selling cars.  On their way to buy a car.   Then, I had a friend call her sister and see what happened with me and Luann.  She said something about what I perceived as Luann not wanting her kids around me.  That Luann was homeschooling her kids and she herself had some problems Luann was helping with--that she didn't have time or something like that for me.

Hurts.  Hurt. 

Trying to be thankful for what and who I have.  So, here I sit.  I've got a coupon for "Buy and McCafe drink, get one free," and I'm thinking about that.  Maybe get them in the drive through and sit outside and drink them.  A Small one, I would get.

Well, later.

At the meeting place

Well, I'm at the meeting place now.   I think I'm just going to sit and relax for a few minutes.

How I need a manicure.  Need my nails trimmed/cut and filed.  I hate typing.

It's about 1:40 as I begin to write, or "relax."

Something that bugs me about the job program (is that the title I gave it, described it  a couple minutes ago?)  is that I don't know anything really specific, and this subject interrupts my "relaxing," but thought I'd say it.  I don't know how exactly---there's an agency that goes along with the agency and "helps" me find a job, I think.  Mark, my Case Worker, pulls up openings though on websites, sometimes, and tries to propel me to go out on my own and get a job.  I'm looking for things in the Human Services field, because I have a degree in Psychology and almost a Masters in Special Education.  The woman that is involved with the Job Program suggested MR/DD, which has been changed to just Developmental Disabilities.  It's nice those first two letters got dropped---the MR.

15 till 2:00.

Well, I am going to close and yes, try to relax.