Here at McDonalds (again), but I can type, or at least I think.   Clipped my nails and filed them.  Yay.

So, I can type.

I'm out later than usual.  Tried to take a couple naps.  Let Janie the dog see the sun go down before putting her up in the bathroom, which I usually do before leaving the house.

Life, life, life.

It's got to get better.

So, I'm just sitting here, watching the Fox station that they have on here at McDonalds and listening to the music they have going---Serious XM???   Something like that.

Huckabee program on.


I miss the more than 3 channel tv, and I hate most of what is on it.  I'm a prude now, I guess.  Undercover Boss episode last night had no over-cover on the girls on it last night.   I can't believe it was on CBS.  I would classify it as minor porn.  But, there's a restaurant where women/girls walk around with their chests hanging out, or what is on their chests, and there's nothing wrong with it.  Wow.  The other night, on the Big Bang Theory, you could see almost down this girl's shirt.  Basically, what was on Undercover Boss.  Except they were just hanging.   More than I care to see, and I don't know why there's "nothing wrong with it."  Someone, tell me.

I love McDonalds food and that is so bad.  I love French fries.  I love their Grilled Chicken McWraps.  There must be a ton of salt in the Wraps because they are so good.

I only try to come to McD's once a week, but as you can tell from, "Just sitting here at McDonalds" all the time, I've been here more than once a week.  Trying to deal with it in the budget, too.

I had a coupon for "Buy a McWrap and get a free fry and drink."

Something very interesting happened last week but I'm afraid to write about it publicly.  I got propositioned by a married man and it had been ensuing for about 14 years.  There's more to say but I won't.

I could eat a couple more things.

Could talk about my best friend I lost.  I called her sister more than a month ago, and I pried into about Luann.  She told me that they were on a trip cause Luann and her husband were buying and selling cars.  On their way to buy a car.   Then, I had a friend call her sister and see what happened with me and Luann.  She said something about what I perceived as Luann not wanting her kids around me.  That Luann was homeschooling her kids and she herself had some problems Luann was helping with--that she didn't have time or something like that for me.

Hurts.  Hurt. 

Trying to be thankful for what and who I have.  So, here I sit.  I've got a coupon for "Buy and McCafe drink, get one free," and I'm thinking about that.  Maybe get them in the drive through and sit outside and drink them.  A Small one, I would get.

Well, later.

At the meeting place

Well, I'm at the meeting place now.   I think I'm just going to sit and relax for a few minutes.

How I need a manicure.  Need my nails trimmed/cut and filed.  I hate typing.

It's about 1:40 as I begin to write, or "relax."

Something that bugs me about the job program (is that the title I gave it, described it  a couple minutes ago?)  is that I don't know anything really specific, and this subject interrupts my "relaxing," but thought I'd say it.  I don't know how exactly---there's an agency that goes along with the agency and "helps" me find a job, I think.  Mark, my Case Worker, pulls up openings though on websites, sometimes, and tries to propel me to go out on my own and get a job.  I'm looking for things in the Human Services field, because I have a degree in Psychology and almost a Masters in Special Education.  The woman that is involved with the Job Program suggested MR/DD, which has been changed to just Developmental Disabilities.  It's nice those first two letters got dropped---the MR.

15 till 2:00.

Well, I am going to close and yes, try to relax. 

Just sitting here at McDonalds.  Have a meeting with a friend at 2:00.  It's around 12:42 as I start to write this.  Got time on my hands, as is obvious.  Obvious in another way.  All I have now is Time.

Those two people who didn't email me back emailed me back.  Good.

I am accepting the "schizophrenia" diagnosis, because I need help, and it helps me get help.   I have a Case Worker who helps and I just met with him.  I'm trying to get involved with a program that will help me get a job.  It's frustrating.   It's a process--the program.   Mark, my Case Manager, thinks I can get a job easily and be gainfully employed.

I'm in counseling.

I feel life is hopeless but I have no choice but to keep going.

I need to clip my nails and file them, but I dread doing that.  A manicure would be nice, though I don't want to spend the money on it.  It's a little difficult to type.

Did I say anything yet about the stupid thing I did in mortgaging a paid off house?  Perhaps I don't feel like going into that right now.

I may sign this off now and be on my way and bring back it back up when I get to my meeting place.

So, I'm sitting at McDonalds at the moment.   Blank page, looking at the Blog Screen.   That Blank page makes it difficult to know what to say, in a way.

I miss my friend.  Did I mention I lost a friend?   Best friend.   Talked every day, almost.  When life was good.   I can't believe the things that have happened.   Can't believe it/them.

Not sure if anything I've said on this Blog, of Everything, makes any sense.

I am going to be on a very fixed income soon.   Very fixed.

I've been reading a great book by an author named Anne Lamott.  Grace Eventually is the title of the book.   I love how she writes.   I hope to be able to write that way some day.  I could go on in volumes of how I love how she writes.  I bought the book, lost the book and found the book.  I was greatly perplexed when I lost the book and very grateful when I found it.   She writes so honestly.  Honestly.  I love that!  The book is separated in sections and incidents in her life with her perspective or is it perspectives---Her thoughts.  So great to read.

I need to meet with someone who's going to look at my budget with me in a few minutes.  I left my cell phone at home, as I've been doing, and I'd like to call and let her know I'm on my way, but, oh well.

Yep, miss my friend.   I think about things we'd talk about, things that confuse me and maybe her.  It was that the things that confused me, confused her, and the things that confused her, confused me.  How I miss that, being able to talk about those things.   Maybe this is going to be an " I Miss Luann blog" now.   Luann.

I wish I had internet connection at the place I live, because to me, blogging is something you do when it "hits" you to do it, not making time for it, or "I have the time now," kind of thing.

I don't get "hash-tags," number/pound signs before titles of things on TV.  I think she'd have the same confusion or answer to it.  She sometimes had answers for my confusions.

Did I say she was my Best Friend?   She was.  She was my Best Friend.

Two people I've emailed haven't emailed me back.  Hope I didn't make a fool of myself in any way.

I miss Luann. 

I sent her a letter, inspired by something Anne Lamott did, when Anne lost a friend.  

I need to meet people.  

Miss Luann.

May not seem like it, as I've said, "I miss Luann," several times, but I think my anti-depressant is starting to work.  I feel differently when I say, "I miss Luann."  Sort of not as sad, although that doesn't make sense.  It's like I'm just "saying it."

But I'll say it again, I miss Luann.    I remember one time I had kind of lost touch with her and called when things in my life had gone bad.  She welcomed me.   I wish it were the same this time.

Well, I should, now, go meet with that friend--I might postpone the meeting for tomorrow.

If you pray, pray for me, whoever would read this.

Well, Now

This is the most depressing blog.    I am not any better in life, kind of worse.   I am on SSI, $710 a month, because of my problem with hearing someone not in the room talk to me.   I hear someone not in the room talking to me.    I have a college degree, almost a Masters in Special Education, and I hear someone not in the room talking to me.   It started in 2007.  Not sure if I ever divulged that.  I think I did, once.

I am the stupidest person in the world.  I mortgaged a paid off house.  Mortgaged a house that was Mine. 

I have been lucky not to lose it up till now and a program called Save the Dream is going to help me stay in it for the next 18 months but Social Security is going to take $257 from my $710 a month.

I have lost a friend.  A very good friend.  My best friend.

I would like this whole blog to start over as I type this, Now.  Start from here.

Going to go through a state program that can help me get a job.

I am all confused on this blog thing anyway. I had one that was something like, www.going to be on Oprah someday. 

Things have got to get better.  Got to.  Just got to.

Will go now.  Wonder where this will show up.